#chipper chums

Alice: Look guys, I need help. Sam: Love help? Algy: Financial help? Col: Emotional help? Ginger: Help moving a body? Everybody looks at Ginger Ginger: What?

Ginger: What do you do when someone offers you drugs? Col: Take them! Algy: Punch them in the neck! Alice: Say thank you! Sam: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance! Ginger: … Ginger: No.

Ginger: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Algy: Several traffic violations. Alice: Three counts of resisting arrest. Sam: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Col: Also, that’s not our car.

Col: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Sam will and will not eat. Algy: Grass? Yes! Col: Moss? Yes!! Algy: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Col: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Algy: Worms? Sometimes! Col: Rocks? Usually nah. Algy: Twigs? Usually! Col: Alice's cooking? Inconclusive! Ginger: How did you… test this? Col: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it. Ginger: … I don’t know how to feel about this. Alice: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Sam: Hey, how did my phone break? Algy: You were drunk yesterday. Sam: And? Col: You threw it. Sam: Why? Alice: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming “FLY DAMN YOU!” Sam: And why didn’t you stop me?! Ginger: We were busy laughing our asses off.

Sam: Algy's refusing to wear their glasses! Algy: Sam, look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch. Algy: points to Col Col. Algy: points to Ginger Ginger. Algy: points to Alice Sasquatch.

Sam: Guys… the principal just called— Col: It was Alice! Alice: It was Algy! Algy: It was Ginger! Ginger: It was me!

(Now For Some Other Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids Characters To Join)

Peregrine: Oh, to be a bored heir to the throne who keeps rejecting marriage proposals due to being secretly in love with the cute gardener. Sam: Oh, to be a cute gardener who secretly places roses in the heir’s room because they are in love with them. Ginger: Oh, to be the palace guard who discreetly helps to boost the cute gardener up the wall for their secret deliveries in the middle of the night. Alice: Oh, to be the heir’s best friend witnessing the two fools dance around each other while knowing damn well that the two like each other. Algy: Oh, to be the noble suitor from another royal family who comes to know of their love instantly and plans an entire plan to get them their happy ending. Col: Oh, to be a medieval peasant who knows nothing about the heir’s personal life and who dies of dysentery at age 23.

Col: Are you trying to give me a fucking aneurysm? Ginger: Pretty sure we all are. Alice: I wasn't. Sam: I was. Algy: I was trying to stop them, for your consideration. Jack Frost: I just cause aneurysms naturally.

Thomas Ratchet: Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat Ginger: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents. Thomas Ratchet: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you. Col: Actually I did the math, Ginger would have $225, not $0.15. Ginger: Fam I’m right here…. Alice: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :) Thomas Ratchet: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please? Alice: Sorry I only have a dollar. Thomas Ratchet: :( Algy: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Ginger would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent. Alice: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice. Col: You can buy anything you want with $22,500. Sam: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice. Col: Apply juice to what. Sam: Directly to the forehead. Ginger: Great chat everyone.

Bill: We have a problem. Ginger: Let me guess, you caused it? Alice: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet. Algy: And it's another Tuesday, your point? Sam: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up. Col: If you're mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Truffle: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything? Truffle: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies. Sam: Socks are Feetie Heaties. Alice: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties. Algy: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies. Ginger: Stamps are Lickie Stickies. Col: I hate you guys so much.

Alexander: Today, Algy took my phone, and in five minutes, they sent high resolution close-up photos of Sam to the following people: Col, Alice, Ginger, the neighbors, the bank, my accountant, San Diego Blood Bank, and Shake Shack's text bot.

The Chipper Chums And Hannibal are at Col’s house Ginger: Ohhhh we each get our own oven? Col: …N-No… Col, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have??? Ginger, motioning to the kitchen: Three, I thought! Alice: I see a- Col, motioning to one device: This is a microwave. Ginger: Oh, well I- Col: Hey, wait wait, actually- hang on- fiddles with the buttons on the microwave Col, amazed: Its got a bake setting! Hannibal: Ohoho, you learn something new every day! Sam: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first? Col: Now I’ve discovered more ovens than I thought, we don’t have to roshambo nothin’! Col: I am someone who owns four ovens… Col, louder and way too happy: I am someone… who owns FOUR OVENS… Algy, pointing to another appliance: Also, the toaster oven! Col: Ginger: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens! Col: I Just Call That Toaster Two But Okay Col, ecstatic: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS.

Ginger: Is it still visible? Where Sam slapped me? Alice: Your face looks like a don't walk signal. Terry Blotch: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box. Col: A palm reader could tell Sam's future by looking at your face. Algy: The phrase 'talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face. Ginger: …A simple 'yes' would've sufficed.

Alice: Hey, I was wondering, have any of you guys ever seen Ginger’s bedroom? Timothy King: No, they refuse to let any of us visit. You know what that means. Sam, nodding: Dungeon. Algy, nodding: Rich. Col, nodding: Homeless. Alice, nodding: Secretly in the mafia. Timothy King: What? No, I meant they’re messy. What the hell is wrong with all of you?

Sam: Throw lamps at people who need to lighten up, and throw handles at someone who needs to get a grip! Arthur: Throw a refrigerator at someone who needs to chill! Ginger: Throw scissors at someone who needs to cut it out! Col: Throw a clock at someone who needs to get with the times! Alice: Throw matches at someone who needs to get fired up! Algy: Throw a brick at someone to kill them.

Col: Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing. Alice: Two of you take Algy, the other two take Augustus Filch. Ginger: Right. Bad cop, good cop. Sam: You know, it's interesting that they say "bad cop, good cop," because policing in this country is so broken it's really just "bad cop, bad cop". Alice: Ginger, you're with them. Ginger: Got it.

Algy: Dumbest scar stories, go! Alice: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. Simon: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned. Col: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. Sam: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn. Ginger: I have emotional scars.

Algy: A mouse! Alice, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll stab you. Willard, pulling out a frying pan: It'll make a nice meal! Sam, giving the mouse cheese: You deserve a treat, little guy. Ginger, gasping: It's Ratatouille! Col: His name is Remi, dummy. Algy: …I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window… what is wrong with you people.

Nigel: The word “gay” is actually an acronym. Nigel: God Actually doesn’t mind if You’re gay. Algy: God Accepts You. Sam: God Always Yugoslavia. Ginger: Gandalf Ate Yoda. Alice: Stop adding random acronyms to this, it was beautiful at first and now it’s not. Col: God Actually doesn’t mind if we add acronyms because YOLO! Alice: I’m going to vomit on you.

Col: Christmas lights? Ginger: Check. Alice: Thermos of hot cocoa? Ginger: Check. Algy: Santa suits? Ginger: Check. Sam: Shovel? Ginger: Check. Tristram: Alibi and bail money? Ginger: Check- wait, WHAT?!

Sam: What did you get Alice for her birthday? Col: I got her a kitten. Sam: Really? Me too! Algy: I also got her a cat. Jack: Looks like we had the same idea. Col: Ginger, please tell me you didn't get Alice a cat as well! Ginger: …I got her a kitten. later Alice, in their apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!

Herbert Hinckley: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Sam and Algy's convo? Ginger: Me. I'm in the laundry basket. Alice: I'm in the washing machine. Col: I'm in the closet. Ginger: We accept you Col. <3 Col: No I'm literally in the closet. Ginger: Love is love. <3

The chipper chums and donald’s reaction to being told they have to save the world Col: I will not let you down. Alice: Sounds fun. Sam: K. Algy: No, I'm fucking not. Ginger: Do I have to be? Donald: (While Sucking His Thumb) Please god, I am so tired.

Algy: Wait. Where's Col? They love Dungeons and Dragons. Alice: I thought you invited them. Ginger: Uh, I thought Sam invited them. Sam: I thought Bertie Bath invited them. Bertie Bath: I never invite them.

Sam: Where is everyone? Oliver Littlebody: Col had a nervous collapse, Ginger is looking after them, Algy is trying to kill Alice, so I’m in charge. Sam: Oh my god! Oliver Littlebody: I know, right?

Col: Many people are mildly dehydrated and don’t realize it. You should drink at least six glasses of water per day. Alice: No, eight glasses! Algy: I heard ten. Sam: You need to drink at least five glasses of water per minute. later… Antony Syngon-Smythe: Okay, I just read through every study I could find to try to figure out whether low-grade dehydration is even a real thing. Col: What did you learn? Antony Syngon-Smythe: If you spend all day doing research and forget to eat or drink, you start to feel pretty bad. Alice: I’ll get some water. Antony Syngon-Smythe: But how many glas–whoa, feeling dizzy. Ginger: Maybe you should just drink straight from the tap.

Bruce: Every time I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke. Col: Okay, but what is updog? Ginger: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish. Algy: No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released. Sam: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden. Alice: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter. Bruce: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs. Algy: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current. Ginger: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway. Col: What’s a henway?? Bruce: Oh, about five pounds.

Ginger: The floor is lava! Alice: helps Stefan onto the counter Algy: kicks Sam off the sofa Sam: lays on the floor and makes ginger trip Col: …Are you okay? Sam: No.

In response to receiving a gift Alice: Wow! That’s awesome! I’ll pay you back! Ginger: You didn’t have to get this for me… Col: S-stupid! Now I HAVE to get you something! Chico: Th-thanks, but why? Algy: Oh my! I can’t accept a gift like this! Sam: Did you keep the receipt?

Ginger: A butterfly! Hey, little guy, gal or nonbinary pal! Sam: Can a butterfly be nonbinary? Ginger: I mean, maybe? I don't judge. Benjamin, staring dreamily out of the window: Ah, have you ever imagine having butterfly wings? Then- Col: Then it would be inconvenient as fuck. Your wings would smack every doorframe and your clothes would have to have holes in the back. Alice: Also, your wing's paper thin, so even a six year old aimed a NERF gun at it would… Yeah… Algy: sips coffee According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a- Benjamin: No, nononono. You fuckers have already shattered my dream, you don't get the fucking privilege to make that reference. Sam: Also, it's about a butterfly, not a bee… Why would you make that reference? Ginger: You clearly have not lived with them long enough.

Algy: So, did everyone learn their lesson? Sam: No. Col: I did not. Fick: I may have actually forgotten one. Ginger: Also no. Algy: Oh good, neither did I. Alice: Exhausted sigh

Ginger: So what color are the walls of your room? Sam: My walls are white I think. Finn: They’re lying, I’ve been to their room, it’s pale yellow. Sam: No, it’s white. It just looks yellow because of the ceiling light. Finn: Your wall looks like someone rubbed butter on them. Algy: Your walls look like someone threw dandelions at them. Col: Your walls look like someone put post-it notes on them for 3 hours. Alice: Your walls look like you bought a can of yellow paint, and instead of opening it, you just sat there thinking about the possibilities. Finn: The color of your walls is the La Croix of yellow.

Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker Ginger: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. Everyone: Col: …I did. I broke it. Ginger: No. No you didn't. Algy? Algy: Don't look at me. Look at Alice. Alice: What?! I didn't break it. Algy: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken? Alice: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken. Algy: Suspicious. Alice: No, it's not! Sam: If it matters, probably not, but Joe Alexander was the last one to use it. Joe Alexander: Liar! I don't even drink that crap! Sam: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier? Joe Alexander: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Sam! Col: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Ginger. Ginger: No! Who broke it!? Everyone: Sam: Ginger… Algy's been awfully quiet. Algy: rEALLY?! Everyone starts arguing Ginger, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. Ginger: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Ginger: And Yes That Was A Lord Of The Flies Reference. Ginger: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here even for the chipper chums.

Gilbert Patrick: I CAN'T DO IT! Col, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER! Gilbert Patrick: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE Ginger: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US. Gilbert Patrick: Gilbert Patrick: I appreciate it, Gilbert Patrick: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH- Sam: Gilbert Patrick- Gilbert Patrick: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! Alice: Gilbert Patrick we gotta- Gilbert Patrick: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT. Gilbert Patrick: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?' Gilbert Patrick, motioning to Algy: NOT FUCKING THIS!

Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’ Col: Thanks fam! Sam: Oh no. Monty: cries I love you too. Alice: Sounds fake, but okay. Algy: A flustered mess Ginger: Can I get a refund?

Sam: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? Col: >:O language Alice: Yeah watch your fucking language Garth Macqueen: Okay, who taught Alice the fuck word?! Algy: 'The fuck word'. Ginger: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time Alice: Oh my god they censored it Algy: Say fuck, Ginger. Alice: Do it, Ginger. Say fuck.

when the Squad drops food Alice: Eh, oh well. William: FIVE-SECOND RULE! Sam: FUCK! Ginger: just gets more food Algy: drops to their knees and mourns the food Col: eats the food off the ground

The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one Alice: I will not let you down. Sam: Sounds fun. Algy: K. Calloway: No, I'm fucking not. Ginger: Do I have to be? Col: Please god, I am so tired.

the Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups Jamie, Alice, and Algy: spinning a little and talking Ginger, Sam, and Col: flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming

Ginger: Doctor = $140,000 a year, Furry artist on patreon = $160,000 a year. Eric: I think you’re lowballing the furry art amount tbh. Ginger: Sorry for the inaccuracies Doctor Yiff. Eric: No matter how I respond I don’t look well, well played. I walked into that. Col: Well, furry artists are typically more competent and courteous than your average doctor, so I can see that. Ginger: Did you legitimately just tell me that a person who draws wolf ass is more competent than a dude who spent 8+ years in an university to give you a lung transplant? Sam: Doctors are bullshit and furry artists perform an infinitely more valuable service to society compared to them. Ginger: You will die in 7 days. Alice: It took doctors 10 years to diagnose what was wrong with me, some insisting I was faking it for attention while a furry artist I knew said “Sounds like Crohn’s” after hearing me complain once and ended up being right. Alice: Besides I can’t go to a doctor and ask them to draw Rouge the Bat wider than she is tall with tits to match, now can I? Sam: You could if you weren’t a fucking coward. Algy: This was like 50 consecutive punches to the face, what the fuck went on here.

Sam: Alright, who’s hogging the Netflix account? I’ve been locked out all week! Nobby: Sucks to suck! I’m already on the 8th season of Friends! Col: Not me. Sam: Don’t lie. I know it’s not Ginger or Alice. Col: It’s not me, really! Sam: … Col: …But it might be Algy… Sam: You gave Algy access to our Netflix account!?!? Col: They wanted to watch Orange is the New Black! Sam: I’m going to kill you.

Algy: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? Col: >:O language Alice: Yeah watch your fucking language Sam: Okay, who taught Alice the fuck word?! Ginger: 'The fuck word'. Albert Klutz: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time Alice: Oh my god they censored it Ginger: Say fuck, Albert Klutz. Alice: Do it, Albert Klutz. Say fuck.

Sammy Slitherall to Alice, who’s about to get married: Today, two families are becoming one. Col, in an ominous voice: Two families enter, one family leaves. Sam: That sounds so threatening… Algy: The Wedding Games… Ginger: May the bouquet toss be ever in your favor. Alice: Beautiful. Sammy Slitherall: Fuck all of you!

Algy: dies Alice: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months! Col: Bullshit. One month. Ginger: Nah, half a month. Jumbo Ferrari, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ALGY JUST DIED! Sam, scratching chin in thought: One week.

Sam: Nothing in life is free. Tom: Love is free. Alice: Knowledge is free. Algy: Friendship is free. Col: Self-respect is free. Ginger: Everything's free if you don't pay for it. The Chipper Chums And Tom: … Alice: Ginger, that's illegal- Sam: No, let them finish!

Alice: Sam is so… Algy: Annoying? Brian: Cute? Col: Funny? Ginger: Angry? Alice: I don't know, maybe if y'all let me FINISH for ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'd tell you!

Sam: “I miss you” is the nicest text you can receive. Damien: “I bought a monster truck.” Col: You’re both wrong, it’s “I have too much money, you can have some.” Ginger: “I got you pizza.” Alice: Fools! I present to you this: “Algy is driving to your house right now.” Damien: “Algy had too much money so they’re driving to your house in a monster truck with a pizza that they got for you.” Sam: “…Because they missed you.”

At a dinner party, the guests converse while the host is away Ginger: So how do you know the host? Algy: They were a former vegan, and they bought milk. Sam: That BITCH! Alice: I pulled them over for money laundering. Ginger Pie: I'm chaperoning their dinner party. Col: They stole a baconator! Sam: That BITCH! Ginger: I tanked the store they were managing and they convinced me to quit from one of the only jobs I've ever had. Now I'm living off of unemployment checks and fear!

Mad Milo: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them? Algy, watching Sam screaming, Ginger trying to set a sleeping Col on fire, and Alice choking on air: I don't know either.

Ginger: What's with the new hat? Col: Oh, this? It's nothing. Alice: It's the loudest nothing I ever saw. Nick: Col, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing a brand-new hat. Col: Look, I'm trying something new, okay? Just take it easy. Algy: He's right, guys. Come on, let's not go down this path. It's ugly… Kinda like that hat– Col: I got this from a nice store! Ginger: What store? The one before you exit the Al Capone Museum? Sam, entering the room: What's up, Col? Did you just finish Bling Ring-ing Bruno Mars' closet? Col: I'm being brave, okay? You guys are sheep. You may want to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Sam: Better us than you. You look like a park ranger from a cartoon. Col: Ginger, do you think the hat looks bad? Ginger: Oh, uh, me? Um, I… I wouldn't say it was bad. Like, I think it's just different, like something you would wear in Indiana… Jones and the Temple of Bad Hats.

(And Now The Chipper Chums With IDK)Ginger: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life. Col: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back… Sam: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this. John Lester: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years. Alice: I knew I lost that potential somewhere. Algy: Mental stability, my old friend! Ginger: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?

after the Chipper Chums And Paul Michaels has been separated for a few years Ginger: So what have you been up to recently? Alice: Leading a revolution with Sam. Ginger: Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob. Alice: nods Oh, how cool! That's awesome! Ginger: I know! Anyway, have you heard from the others? Algy? Alice: Happily living as a hermit in the woods. Paul Michaels? Ginger: Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break them out later. Col? Alice: Cult leader. Ginger: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Algy: What do you all intend on majoring in? Sam: Respecting other women. George Hudson: Minecraft. Ginger: Criminal justice and psychology. Col: I'm terrified that I’ll lock myself into an interest that I’ll no longer be passionate about in a few years like all the other areas of study I’ve pursued over my life! Alice: Jesus Col I’m Doing Band. Algy: Uhhhh I’m Doing Art

Algy: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier. Algy: Violently practices. Col: Violently studies. Ginger: Violently sleeps. Alice: Violently shoots pictures. Sam: Violently boxes. Richie Stewart: Violently murders people. Ginger: Violently worries about the previous statement.

Stuart Smith: Alice… How do I begin to explain Alice? Sam: Alice is flawless. Algy: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000. Ginger: I hear they do car commercials… in Japan. Col: One time they punched me in the face… it was awesome.

Ginger: There are three chairs and five kids. What do you do? Pete Beck: Get two more chairs. Algy: Cut each chair in half to make six. Sam: Make them FIGHT for their seats! Col: I am one of the kids so I would fight them either way. Alice: Get rid of two kids.

Sam: She was poetry, but he couldn't read. Alice: His name was Jared he's 19. Algy: When his parents built a very strange machine. Ginger, singing: Watch that scene, digging the dancing queen. Col, singing: Eyyyy, Macarena! Eric Tenold: Horrible job everyone.

Algy: Rules were made to be broken. Ginger: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. Alice: Uh, piñatas. Jackson Newman: Glow sticks. Sam: Karate boards. Col: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. Algy: Rules. Ginger: Not Again

Ginger: Time for plan G. Alice: Don’t you mean plan B? Ginger: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. Fred Wheeler: What about plan D? Ginger: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Sam: What about plan E? Ginger: I’m hoping not to use it. Algy dies in plan E. Col: I don’t like plan E either ginger.

Alice: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life. Clifford Marshall: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back… Sam: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this. Ginger: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years. Col: I knew I lost that potential somewhere. Algy: Mental stability, my old friend! Alice: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?

Max Williams: What's worse than a heartbreak? Sam: Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging. Col: Waking up in the morning. Algy: Waking up. Alice: Waking up in the morning… Alice: And seeing Ginger. Ginger: Hey! That Was Rude!!

Alice: We have a problem. Algy: Let me guess, you caused it? Sam: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet. Col: And it's another Tuesday, your point? Ginger: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up. Ted Benson: If you're mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Ginger: standing at the top of the stairs What are y'all doing at the bottom of the staircase? Algy: I accidentally fell down. Alice: COL PUSHED ME down the stairs because I refuse to pay THEIR part of our rent! Sam: Algy bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than they did falling down it, so I slide down the banister to get my money. Brandon Matthews: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by Sam.

Ginger, to the Squad: I’d die for you. Sam: Then perish. Ivan Dervon: You will. Col: Please don’t. Algy: Cool. Alice: I’d die for you first.

Algy, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here. Col: Hey. Sam: Hi. Alice: Hello. Ginger: Hey! Algy: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only! Seth Pinkman: We were out of Doritos.

Clyde Johnson: Between Col, Ginger, Alice, and Sam -- if you had to -- who would you punch? Algy: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them. Clyde Johnson: Col? Algy: Yeah, but I don't know why.

Alice: Where is everyone? Dustin Tregowan: Col had a nervous collapse, Ginger is looking after them, Algy is trying to kill Sam, so I’m in charge. Alice: Oh my god! Dustin Tregowan: I know, right?

The Squad with cigarettes Sam: I smoke regularly. Col: I smoke sparingly. James Porter: I smoked once, but I didn't care for it. Alice: I've never smoked, but the idea intrigues me. Algy: I've never smoked, and I refuse to do so. Ginger: What's a cigarette?

Algy: We’re kind of missing something guys. Ginger: Cohesion? Alice: Teamwork? Sam: A general sense of what we’re doing? Gordon Andrews: And Col is not here. Ginger: Oh, and that, yeah.

Algy: Bye Alice! Bye Sam! Bye Col! Bye Ginger! Bye Alice! Douglas Macintosh: You said ‘bye Alice’ twice. Algy: I like Alice.

Squad reactions to being called straight: Alice: The fuck, no I'm not. Sam: Excuse the hell out of you? Col: Ding dong, you are wrong! Robert Brooks: Who told you that? And why did they lie? Ginger: Rude. Algy: punches the person

Col: If you got arrested what would be the charges? Ginger: Theft. Sam: Disturbing the peace. Alice: Aggravated assault. Timothy: Arson. Algy: All of the above. In that order, probably.

Ginger: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them? Algy, watching Liam Morgan screaming, Col trying to set a sleeping Sam on fire, and Alice choking on air: I don't know either.

Algy: You know, when Col comes over, Sam can get a little… Jamie Rix: Psycho? Alice: Scary? Ginger: Drunk? Algy: All three.

Algy: Sam's first detention, I'm so proud. Ginger: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention? Col: Because they're an idiot. Alice, terrified: They can do that??

Alice: You three, explain right now! Algy: It was Ginger. Sam: It was Ginger. Col: It was Ginger. Ginger: Ginger: …fuck.

Col: What do rainbows mean to you? Alice: Gay rights. Sam: There's money. Algy: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. Ginger: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

Alice: Mice are having sex in my walls. Col: Tattletale! Algy: You're just being ungrateful. Ginger: It's their home too, you know. Sam: So what? Don't slutshame them. Alice: The mice are fucking AND now I'm getting heckled.

Ginger: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight? Alice: Why? Ginger: Col fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours. Sam: Algy doesn't know how to banish spirits, so they just throw salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

Algy: Uh, Ginger? Col is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof. Ginger: What? Sam: I think they meant, Col is drowning. Ginger: WHAT?! Meanwhile Col: is drowning Alice: OH MY GOD, COL! KEEP SWIMMING! Col: I can't swim, dumbass— sinks Alice: COL!

Alice: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses. Col: This knife is actually a magic wand. Ginger: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel. Sam: cocks gun Magic missile. Algy: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Col: What’s something you guys are better than Sam at? Algy: Mario Kart. Alice: Yeah, video games. Ginger: Emotional vulnerability.

the chipper chums is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered Algy: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone whose life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer? Sam: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine. Ginger: What about Alice? Nobody ever suspects Alice! Alice: Well what about Col? They have a gun! Col: Algy has a knife. Algy: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! stabs Ginger in the arm

Alice: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to? Sam: Schrödinger's boys. Algy: FUCK! Ginger: What about cracking open a cold milkshake? Col: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do. Col: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison. Alice: … Sam: … Algy: … Ginger: … Col: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

The Chipper Chums: walking at the mall Algy: Hey, have any of you guys seen Ginger? They’ve been gone for a while.. Alice: Eh, nope. Col: No, I haven’t… Sam: Probably ran off to McDonald’s or something. Ginger: Hey. Algy: Ooh, there you are- Alice: What the fu- Sam: I- where were you?! Ginger: Walking right behind you guys.

Alice: Problem, I can't tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked. Algy: Solution, just pop it back in the oven for another 10 minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right? Ginger: Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time. Sam: No better time than this to pull out my favorite word! Slunchy! Col: …put it away.

Sam: What’s something you guys are better than Alice at? Col: Mario Kart. Ginger: Yeah, video games. Algy: Emotional vulnerability.

The chipper chum's thoughts on stabbing Algy: Would never stab anyone. Alice: Would stab someone in retaliation. Col: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first. Ginger: Would stab without warning. Sam: Would stab as a warning.

Sam: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?? Alice: Y- you were putting it in cold water?? Ginger: Sam. Answer the question, Sam. Sam: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason. Sam: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water? Alice: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes?? Ginger: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it? Alice: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove? Ginger: It takes less than a minute. Alice: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun??? Ginger: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove? Alice: Like seven minutes?? Col: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes… less than that if you use a saucepan! Ginger: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Col? Your stove is enchanted! Sam: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic. Algy: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?!