#cherry milkshake

I used to hate how I’m expected to leave things behind in order to move forward. I was afraid of growing up—afraid of leaving the things I loved behind just to grow. Just to bloom.

By now, it must be obvious how easily I get attached to things I shouldn’t be attached to. I find it hard to move on when I feel safe and comfortable. I can't leave certain places and people who make me feel emotions I had never gotten the chance to feel before. He became my comfort zone, a space where I knew I wouldn’t get hurt. For the first time, I could be myself beyond what was expected of me—the polite smile, the careful words, and the version that cannot afford a mistake. I often felt like a flower wilting faster than it was supposed to, but with him, I could let go and reveal the things I usually hold  back.  For the first time, I could feel.

My life with him felt like basking under the sun in a field full of begonias—light and full of sweetness; I could let my guard down as long as we were together.

With him, I was the happiest in this world. Was. Lately, I feel like things between us are changing—things just aren't the same anymore. We barely talk, and it feels like we’re drifting apart faster than I could have ever expected. I’m afraid.

 I can’t lose him, not when I've loved him for half of my life.

Lotuses mean transformation. 11/04/25  It’s been a while since I last wrote in this journal.  We don’t talk anymore. I stopped reaching out. 

You know, things did change. Begonias didn’t look the same anymore;  I used to think they were as sweet and delicate as we were, but beauty can deceive. They are actually considered a warning sign—I realized that the more time I would spend with him, the less authentic I would feel. It was as though I was molding myself to fit into his life. That inauthenticity was a sign for me to stop and think, "Is this still what I want? To float along the current of a life that isn’t mine?”

I admit that I still think about the time we spent together, but I needed to stop and move on in order to feel more like myself again.

I got too comfortable in the space I created with him that I forgot there was a whole world waiting for me to explore and see.

I knew I could be better.

Tulips symbolize new beginnings.   01/08/26

It’ll be my birthday in a few hours. Something we were both looking forward to. Something we should’ve celebrated together.

When my parents and I were picking out the flowers for my coming-of-age ceremony, I couldn't help but think about the bouquet of tulips I'd be holding. I'll be entering a new chapter of my life, one in which I must be more mature and responsible with my decisions.

At this point, I'm starting to bloom into a better version of myself, someone who is no longer afraid to push themself outside their comfort zone.  I’ve tried taking risks, going on adventures, and exploring the things I used to be afraid of throughout the months we were apart.  I don’t regret deciding to part ways, and I hope that he’s proud of the growth I’ve achieved—the version of him I knew would have been. He was my biggest supporter ever. I just wanted to focus on my own life and growth as I stepped into this new chapter.