#chemra

parks and rec!! it is just. the best.

I will!! Thanks for the rec. ahh and my friend and I are also watching the corresponding untucked after we watch each rpdr episode. So much drama, I love it.

Really tho, I can’t handle Chad’s perfection. The makeup! The outfits! Holy shit, she defines elegance. I was so happy for Sharon but Chad is season 4 bae

I finished that season just a bit ago! I’m a little bit (very much) in love with Chad

yeah, romantic attraction (whatever the fuck it is) is separate from sexual attraction I know.  I’m definitely asexual.  The confusing part is that I have been in romantic relationships in the past and done romantic things, but lately I don’t seem to be feeling any kind of romantic attraction or whatever to anyone.  I mean like, I love my friends and family, but that’s different.

I’m kind of second-guessing some of the “crushes” I had in high school too, thinking maybe they were just squishes, maybe I just wanted to be really good friends with those people, not necessarily romantic with them.  idk.

it’s confusing because there’s not that much education about aromantic things, society just tells you “oh, you have feelings? feelings for person?? it’s ROMANCE!!!” when that might not necessarily be the case.  you might just want their friendship and that’s it.  society is also bad at distinguishing romantic attraction from sexual attraction too, so there’s extra confusion there.  I am definitely ace, but that doesn’t say anything about romantic attraction, it just says I don’t desire people sexually.  so… I’m kind of just trying to figure out what I want on that front.

I'm sorry I've been absent these last few months.  Things have been really hectic with work and volunteering, I've barely had time for myself, and when I have had time for myself, I've been nearly too tired to tumblr.  And now that I'm back, I want to post all the things, but have no idea where to start.  My social anxiety issues naturally don't make it any easier.

I don't know how many times I've tried to write even this because I know it's absolutely ridiculous but I feel like I've let you guys down.  I figured at least I could get Trickster Tuesdays started up again, but I seem to have fucked that up even.  I know logically I have nothing to apologize for, because shit happens, and sometimes you'll have those days where nothing goes right, and that's okay.  But logic doesn't factor into social anxiety issues.

And so here I am, making this somewhat pointless and yet somewhat necessary post.  Necessary not that I need to apologize or justify my sporadic appearances or erratic behavior, but necessary that I get this off my chest.  I should be back to posting regularly this week, but if I can't or don't, this is why.

And for those who were looking forward to Trickster Tuesday tonight, things were obviously just not in the cards this evening, but I look forward to seeing you guys next week.  Hopefully I'll get the invite right this time. :)

and you don’t know you’re playing until everyone starts sitting down

but the chair you try to sit on is a person

and instead of holding you up

it pushes you to the ground

and calls you a fag

I don’t tell him

the man I live with now

that since he changed brands

when I smell his new shampoo I feel old

older than I could ever imagine when I first smelled it

Because to a nineteen-year-old, forty is dead

the man I live with 

he should stop buying the shampoo 

or I should stop smelling it 

But when I smell it

I am nineteen 

and so in love that I can’t breath and I feel sick

standing outside my dorm room

lurking in the hall

waiting for him, but not waiting for him, the way you do 

when you’re trying too hard

to be nonchalant 

and he says, “do you have a girlfriend” 

and I give a little laugh and say, “no”

and he looks surprised and I feel gratified

and tell him I’m in love, but it’s just me

and he slaps me on the back and nods 

we are one bleeding heart in lost love

I feel his fingers burning through my shirt 

and smell his shampoo

I want to know if he kept his hair

has it thinned?

Does he still wear it long?

Did he marry the blonde girl

are they all blonde?

his kids

their golden retriever 

in college

I wanted to be her

to climb inside her skin

to be able to laugh at his jokes, high and breathy

and clutch his arm

and wind my fingers with his, so tightly I could feel his pulse

but I don’t think I would've fit

I was tall and lanky 

and a boy 

I love him 

but I am old 

and nothing will ever be as sharp