Alright, I guess there's no real gentle way to put this but I've been doing poorly lately. I don't think I've ever publicly mentioned having bi-polar on here before, but lately it's taking a drastic downturn. Controlling it has always been an issue for me, as of now I've treid 30 different meds and even got a ketamine nasal spray when they were doing clinical trials.

I was okay for a long time after I did ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) back when I was 18. But as I said, I've gone down hill. I feel like I have to cosntantly watch my back for the next thing to send me into a meltdown. For example, the DVD player didn't work yesterday and I snapped in an instant. Just the smallest things, it's like a hair trigger. And the hardest part is that I know during these meltdowns that it's fine, I'll be okay later but I can't stop the way I'm reacting and feeling in the moment.

So, it seems now that it's back to ECT for me, I'll probably be out for a month at least. I'm not afraid to got back to it, it helped me last time so I'm willing to go back. I feel awful for my mother. I see the pain in her eyes, this is the last thing she wants for me. I see guilt too, I know she's said that she wishes she'd left my father a lot sooner than she did. She's an amazing woman and I'm grateful I'll have her by my side for this second round.