So I was soldiering my way through the Jurassic Park movies to get to World, and I liveblogged the entirety of 3 to my friend Ian. Join my insanity.
Danni: i’m going to try and make it through jurassic park 3 in my half delusional haze, wish me luck
Ian: Alright! Have fun!
Danni: wait so after all the shit in 1 about not having kids the two didn't hook up are you serious?
Ian: Yep, I guess something between them couldn't get worked out. *shrug*
Danni: WHY DIDN’T SHE HOOK UP WITH GOLDBLUM
THEY HAD CHEMISTRY
Ian: I think Ellie was more amused by Ian than attracted to him.
Danni: “no force on earth or heaven could get me on that island”
have fun going on that island
Ian:"Alan Grant Returns to the Island"
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Danni: pffff
oh this contrived romance in archaeology, hot?
jfc“let’s use the toothbrush” is not something i should ever go “oh boy here’s the forced romance scene” and not only that, but be correct about
don’t say you want to go to the jesus fuck
you should see the face i’m making
Ian: LMAO
Danni: “we want to go somewhere special for our honeymoon"“endangering our lives sounds fun"
THERE WERE PTERODACTLYS
I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG BUT I DON’T CARE
THIS SHIT IS SO STUPID
oh of course the money
grant your greed is what got you into this in the first place you fucking moron
can we please go back to malcolm
he was smart
he was so fucking smart
“an hour and a half, not too bad” i told myself
“how do you know the kirbys” “through my church” yeah you look like a churchgoing fellow
HAHAHAH WHAT WAS THAT SHIT
NO NO GO BACK TO THE TALKING RAPTOR
HOLY FUCK
I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON THIS GREENSCREEN I’M JUST LAUGHING TOO FUCKING HARD
Ian: The Kirby's are like your dim-witted next-door neighbors you can't help but love.
Danni: THE TALKING
RAPTOR
TALKING RAPTOR
Ian:"ALAN!" LOL
Totally forgot about that part.
Danni: HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT
THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE
oh god let everyone get eaten
there’s one down
you’re all stupid
Ian: You even want Grant to die?
Danni: this is the kind of stupid shit i expected from 2
GRANT WAS SO BORING
HE DIDN’T EVEN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES
MALCOLM WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SAY “FUCK THIS” TO EVERYTHING
Ian: So true.
Danni: but seriously what is this cgi
what is this dinosaur doing, hugging his food
yeah you can outrun that thing sure
is this movie TRYING to be a comedy
Ian: Kind of. It's not meant to be taken as seriously as the others.
Danni: i want a “wah wah” button for this movie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk
this
i want a button with this
i’m going to sad trombone the fuck out of this movie
Ian: Keep that button handy.
Danni: oh trust me i just hit it again
“maybe we should split up” are you shitting me
Ian: Which was better? Alan's dream or this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1aRB_ETfJk
Danni: Grant’s dream hands down
a talking fucking raptor
SAD TROMBONE
he took the eggs
he took the fucking eggs
grant you idiot
Ian: Tsk tsk tsk.
Danni: THERE’S NO WAY HE DIDN'THE TOOK THE EGGS
the phone is not going to work
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THE PHONE WOULD WORK
THERE’S SHIT GROWING ON IT
that raptor is alive
that’s not a display
that’s
SAD TROMBONE
OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING IN THE LAST MOVIE WHEN I SAID THEY LEARNED TO CLIMB
EVEN MY CAT IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE “MOM THE FUCK IS THIS"
Ian: Super raptors!
Danni: i mean okay this is actually a somewhat intelligent move
if you go into a stampede raptors aren’t going to want to follow
oh hey that’s number 3
they don’t waste time in just murdering everyone
Ian: Sad trombone.
Danni: “i’m sure he’s just lying on the ground for fun"
WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED THE RAPTORS SET A TRAP, YOU’RE THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAN WHO JUST CLAIMED EARLIER THAT RAPTORS WOULD HAVE BEEN DOMINANT SPECIES
ANOTHER SAD TROMBONE
oh no… raptors.. don’t like smoke????
jumanji child to the rescue
Bisco just sent me thishttp://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jeff-goldblum-joins-jurassic-world-sequel-997569Jeff Goldblum Joins 'Jurassic World' Sequel (Exclusive)Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are returning for the follow-up, which will be directed by J.A. Bayona.hollywoodreporter.com
Ian: Perfect Jumanji reference.
Danni: oh good you mention malcolm in this movie just to shit on him when he's the ONLY REASONABLE CHARACTER FUCK YOU MOVIE
I’M GLAD THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A DIVORCED COUPLE REALIZING THEY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT DINOSAURS
“i’m the assistant and i’m suddenly the villain"i’m going to just make a dubstep remix of sad trombone and put it over this entire movie
Ian: Why do I get the feeling Malcolm is coming back purely because the fans demanded it?
Danni: I’M OKAY WITH THAT TBH
it cannot possibly be worse than what i’m watching right now
Ian: Goldblum: "Fine, I'll do another one! Now shut up already!"
Danni: more like “Ah ah ah alright"
A L L H A I L
Ian: Seriously though, he's probably excited. I get the impression he's fond of those films.
Danni: considering he quoted them in independence day reliving his glory days i would say yes XD
the cell phone in the stomach
the dinosaur is like “buddy can you help me here"
“shit’s annoying i don’t want phone bills"
YEAH JUST INSIST ON GETTING THE BAG BACK
OH WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE TOOK THE RAPTOR EGGS
IT WAS OBVIOUS AS SHIT
THIS MOVIE IS AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK TO THE FACE
Ian: He took the fucking eggs.
Danni: OF COURSE HE DID
BECAUSE WE NEED SOMETHING POOR AND CONTRIVED TO DRIVE THIS CONSIDERING ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FLATTER THAN A PIECE OF PAPER
grant COULD have something to him
that’s what frustrates me
but like nope he gotta be dumb and do it for the money
he can’t be like malcolm and be like FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS and the only reason he went back is to rescue someone he cares about OH LOOK BILLY’S LEAVING EITHER TO TRY AND REDEEM HIMSELF OR BE A DICK, EITHER ONE
MAYBE BOTH
Ian: And Grant isn't even getting money. HA!
Danni: and still finds the time to shit on malcolm
likeeee a prick
okay grant kick the pterodactyl i’m sure it loves that
i’m sure it lOVES that
you fucking maroon
Ian: I know he and Malcolm had different personalities and had an awkward relationship, but I always wondered what Grant had against him. Malcolm stuck up for all the victims while the suits covered everything up.
Danni: exactly
and grant calls him preachy and stuck up even now
you think they would’ve bonded over that shit
DID THE PTERODACTYL JUST LOOK AT US, THE VIEWERS
LIKE “IT’S A LIVING"
“MURDERING PEOPLE"
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS RAPTOR EGG STEALING FUCK
NO, HE DESERVED IT, HE WAS JUST LIKE JOHN HAMMOND, YOU WEREN’T WRONG
DON’T ACT LIKE YOU WERE
THAT WAS HIS DIMENSION
Ian: YES THEY ARE!
Danni: IAN I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING STUPIDER
omg the cell phone again
i love that this fucking thing is a fucking plot device
Ian: They went from ripples in the water to cell phone ringtones.
Danni: oh hey, it’s literally the movie, people digging in shit
Ian: OMG, so many Internet forums made that same observation.
I was waiting for you to react to that and I wasn't disappointed.
Danni: so glad you entrusted your fucking life to a child who is going to get distracted by barney
didn’t kirby say it could only make one call. and you used it without his permission to call your old girlfriend in an emergency
you deserve to get eaten
oh and somehow she’s going to put this shit together
Ian: Barney steals the show.
Danni: HOW DID YOU SET THE WATER ON FIRE
Ian: Impressive, right?
Danni: OH GOOD, YOU KILLED THE DAD
A FUCKING PLUS, GRANT
OH NO WAIT HE’S THE LOVE INTEREST
HE’S FINE
I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPRESSED IF HE HAD DIED
IT WOUDL HAVE SHOWN SACRIFICE AND GROWTH
NOPE
GOTTA HAVE THAT WHIMSY
oh good MORE FORCED FUCKING DIALOGUE BETWEEN A DIVORCED COUPLE
Ian: Are we sure Spielberg didn't direct this one?
Danni: he did not
but. yeah i see your point XD
the whimsy is just as forced
the raptors are back ey
you guys look like shit in this movie
Ian:The ol' *Spielberg dysfunctional family* (TM)
Danni: barking raptors
what the fuck is grant doing
what the fuck was that shit
WHAT IS THE ARMY DOING HERE
Ian: "Summon the eagles! I mean the Marines!" - Gandalf
Danni: OH SOMEHOW BILLY IS ALIVE
FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF THIS
YEAH THEY’RE LEAVING THE GODDAMN ISLAND
THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAD AT THE END OF TWO
Ian: The pterodactyls?
Danni: MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING AS THEY’RE UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD AGAIN
HOW FUCKING MAJESTIC
I AM TEN TIMES DUMBER THAN WHEN I STARTED THIS MOVIE
Ian: YAYYYY!!!
Danni: CHRIS PRATT YOUR RAPTOR PACK BETTER BE WORTH THIS
Ian: Oh come on, it was at least somewhat fun, right?
Danni: thiiiiis was awful
i feel like my iq dropped
Ian: I remember leaving the theater after my first time watching it and I remember overhearing someone say "That was good, but not enough people died in it."
Danni: PFFFFF
10/10
(but no seriously what the fuck even was this movie)
Ian: Most fans consider JP3 as the "cash-in" sequel.
Danni: i would agree
Ian: For what it's worth though, the same fans agree that Jurassic World redeems it back.
As do I.
~~~~
And then I watched Jurassic World and fucking adored the movie more than the first three. FINALLY.
