#changes coming

Hello everyone!

I am here to remind you that Tuesday, is when my blog will be fully operational and up and running again. I plan to clear out my inbox tomorrow! so please fill it with tons of things <3 But also; There will be a new update schedule; smau’s will be updated depending on what I pull out of a hat; fair randomization. 

Written works will come out when they come out. I’m trying to start an etsy shop so I can help my husband since we’re a family of 5. *SO that’s in the planning stages. And im learning how to draw so I can start my webtoon. I will be starting up a ko-fi! You are not obligated to donate or anything; but there will be commissions for writings and canvas paintings of anime characters; or really anything idk. 

But yeah, that’s what the next number of months look like. I thank each and every one of you for the patience and support you’ve shown and I appreciate your continued support.

OKAY HOLY SHIT OKAY

SO for the last...uhhhhh four months or so, I’ve been wanting to take Roman in a different direction. Destiny has kinda been...losing me, sadly. I very much love Destiny but I haven’t really played it much lately and I’ve fallen out of the lore. With that, I recognize that Roman wasn’t really well placed in the Destiny world, and I’ve been wanting to make him more of an open OC.

Basically, I want to make this blog more open as a free OC where he isn’t tied to one universe. I want to branch him into different fandoms like the MCU, Red Dead, John Wick, etc. I will still have a Destiny verse though because I enjoy it and there are some amazing Destiny rpers in here.

With that said, I’m going to be changing this blog soon. I figure I’d make this post and reblog it every so often so that if anyone doesn’t like it, feel free to unfollow me. I get that multiverse blogs aren’t everybody’s cup of tea and that’s okay. No hard feelings at all!

So I love doing votes, posting summaries and giving y’all heads up on what’s coming next. But that’s going to stop. I’m really fed up with my ideas, summaries and such being stolen from me. So the vote for Accidental Marriage and Brothers Best Friend is void now.

As someone else took my votes and ideas and used them for themselves. So I’m going to decide on something else. I will not be posting my summaries before hand anymore. When the stories up, you can ask to be tagged that way. No more before hand posts.

It’ll be this way till I feel comfortable enough that my stuff won’t be stolen and used. I put a lot of work into giving y’all really good, original ideas. I’m really crushed and upset that someone has taken (again) my idea. This isn’t the first time this person has done this, and I’m fed up.

I don’t post till my whole story is written, I always post the summaries just before I finish it. So now I’m just going to post the first part when the whole series is done, without doing a summary before. I hope you will understand and still be reading. Sorry peaches, I just don’t think it’s fair to me and all my work I put in.

Hey Everyone! Over the weekend I will be converting this blog into an OOC post whatever I feel like blog as it’s what people see when I give follows and the like. If you wish to see any of my writing I will be working on @baezen-stilmyst still as where most of my focus is. I will be making a new blog for Senladis, well new as in ‘location’ not really changing much about it, and putting posts from here over there. I”ll link it once it’s created.

Yesterday, I saw my mother for the first time since her stroke. On Monday, I flew from Halifax to Toronto and took the train to Trenton. I had to take compassionate days from school to see her.  Both my brother and sister had warned me about her decline. I prepared myself and went to see her. It wasn’t a real surprise that she was quite frail and that she talked a lot less than she had the last time that I saw her in the summer of 2021.

As I write this, I am in Stirling, Ontario, Canada staying with my brother and his wife. They have both been amazing hosts and have been very supportive about discussing my mother. We are all in agreement that she is being well taken care of and that all that needs to be done is being done. She is in good hands.

So, what am I writing about today? It was about my reaction to being in the home where my mother lives. There is no doubt that everyone is well taken care of. They are fed, clothed, and have activities based on their current abilities. For example, my mother sort of reads the newspaper. It is unclear how much she absorbs. She used to be an avid reader, finishing at least a book a week. She also used to colour a lot to help with her coordination. Now she does very little and I wonder if she is mentally stimulated or not.

As I sat there with my mother and tried to say things to her that were meaningful, I was struck at how hard it was to communicate with her.  I’ve been told that I can be hard to talk to as I often listen a lot more than I talk when in group settings. The difference is that I do not have dementia as my mother does. I can be a little inept at talking in group settings. I have a lot to say, but always struggle to find a balance between what others want to talk about and what I do… I’ve always struggled with the thought that people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I know that this is not true, but a vestige of the old me that I am currently working to cast out of my life.

Anyway, I told her about my vacation, showed her some pictures of the trip, talked to her about the recent hurricane that went through Nova Scotia and about the family. In between that, there was a lot of silence. Again, it made me wonder if I do that when I am in a group setting. I struggled to find things to talk about. I talked about the weather, the decorations the home had put up for fall, the flowers she got for her birthday and how well my four nieces are doing in their lives. All the while, my mother just sat there and didn’t engage. I would put my hand on her arm as I spoke, so she knew that I was there. An attendant gave me a bottle of Ensure to help my mother drink. It was the first time that I had helped my mother do something that she had a problem doing herself. It made me think of how I’ve come full circle. She used to help me with a lot of things like drinking out of a straw for the first time, learning to tie my shoe and much more. Now, I see my mother in her current state, it is very hard to bear.

I lost my father in 2017. When he passed, he was 85 pounds. In his prime, he looked like I do. It was hard to see his decline. He also passed away before I had a chance to visit him. I took time off to go to the funeral and was glad to be there to see the entire family as we celebrated his life. We spread his ashes a year later with my brother, my nieces and my sister. Mother couldn’t be there as she was in the rest home. I remember showing my family my Viking tattoo that I had made in my father’s honour. He was part Norwegian and I am also part Viking as he was.

Then, in 2020 the same week that my beloved dog, Parker died, my older brother did too. He was out on a service call and had a massive heart attack and died on the spot. He was a heavy smoker and drinker. As a result, he didn’t take care of himself. As well, it didn’t help that I was estranged from him due to family issues years ago around his drinking addiction. So, I never go to say goodbye to him either. 

So here I am with looking at my mother’s health and it makes me think about my mortality. The thing that struck me as I watched the people in the home was how they sit around in their wheelchairs and just sleep. It makes me wonder if they sleep because they are bored. I spoke to a man today because he sat there smiling while I was visiting my mother. So, I said hello and spent a bit of time chatting with him. I know that he enjoyed it.

So here is where my thoughts went as a result of my trip to my mother’s care home: How would I handle that situation if I were that man in the wheelchair? I am fairly certain that anyone reading this has already considered the thought of what it would be like. The thought that instantly came to mind is that I wouldn’t want to be in that situation. It brings up all sorts of questions about the right to life or death, of not being able to make your own decisions and also how potentially lonely and devastating it might be to live that way. It also brings up the issue of mobility too, which has recently come up for me due to past injuries.

As I close, the question that comes to mind is whether I have lived my life to its fullest. I think that my favourite saying of “Carpe Diem” fits well here. I need to seize the day and do the things that are important to me. I still have time left on this earth and I should start allowing myself the right to think about what I want to do as I consider my retirement. So, carpe diem, everyone! Next time, I’ll share some of the things that I want to accomplish in the next few years.