#chaidrum

Miles: Man, traffic's a pain in the assssss.

Hobie: Daddy's home!

Gwen: Just call him Bayer, or Bear or something, Daddy is reserves for your mother to use.

Pav: I'm about to have one less girlfriend in a minute.

Miles: This food is too hot… I cant eat it.

Hobie: You’re very hot, and I still eat you.

Everyone at the table: silence

Gwen: YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING!

Pav: One dinner… I just want ONE DINNER!

[The group is a prison cell that was just hit by an earthquake]

Miles: Uh, I'm gonna roll a perception check of… 4, and see if our cell is, uh, in any way damaged by this quake

Hobie: You're in a prison cell :)

Gwen: You did great. Well, I got a 10-

Hobie: You're in a prison cell with bars on it

Pav: I got a 1!

Hobie: You're in… a cube-shaped place.

Miles: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?

Hobie: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Gwen?

Gwen: Probably “road work ahead”.

Pav: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.

Miles: Dammit, Hobie!

Hobie: What?! It wasn’t me!

Miles: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Gwen!

Gwen: Not me either.

Miles: Oh…Then who set the house on fire?

Pav: whistles

Miles: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-

Miles and Hobie, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!

Gwen: Our turn, Pav! One, two, three- vanilla!

Pav, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

Gwen, about Miles: Apparently we’re getting someone new in the group.

Hobie: Are we stealing them?

Pav: New or used?

Gwen: Wonderful responses, both of you.

Gwen: Just be yourself.

Hobie: 'Be myself'? Gwen, I have one day to win Miles over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Pav: Couple weeks.

Peter: Six months.

Miguel: Jury’s still out.

Hobie: See, Gwen?

Hobie: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Miles: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.

Hobie: What if it bites me and it dies?

Gwen: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Hobie, learn to listen.

Pav: What if it bites itself and I die?

Peter: That’s voodoo.

Pav: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Hobie: That’s correlation, not causation.

Miguel: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Peter: That’s kinky.

Miles: Oh my God.

Miles: Bye Hobie! Bye Gwen! Bye Pav! Bye Peter! Bye Hobie!

Gwen: You said ‘bye Hobie’ twice.

Miles: I like Hobie~

Miles: That's it, we're gonna go out and find what we need!

Pav: To the city?

Miles: Yeah, no matter what!

Peter: Well- How exactly do you propose we do that, exactly?

Miles: I… I don't know!

Hobie: Oh come off it, be serious!

Miles: I am serious!

Hobie: You're insane!

Gwen: Why, if only we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved!

Everyone:

Miles: What???

Gwen: Or maybe it was a basset hound!

Hobie, panicked: YOU'RE ALL INSANE!

Miles: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Gwen: 'Prettiest Smile'

Pav: 'Nicest Personality'

Miguel: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Peter: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

Miles: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Hobie: Nope, absolutely not.

Gwen: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Pav: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Peter: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Miguel: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’

Miles: Thanks fam!

Hobie: oh no

Gwen: cries I love you too

Pav: Sounds fake but okay

Peter: A flustered mess