#chad lore

(Template by @nllick)

Last night I got held at gunpoint by a monkey.

Like a real one. Talking. Wearing a jacket. Girl monkey. Gun. Snow.

Everybody keeps telling me it was a woman in a mask but that’s a LIE.

I know what I saw.

Anyway the monkey was like “do a heist with me” and I said yes because

1) she had a gun and

2) I respect strong women / monkeys.

So we robbed a place together and honestly?? Team bonding. She helped me get money for new clothes too. Very supportive criminal primate energy.

Then I went to the strip club because I thought it would be festive.

It was NOT.

I saw boobs.

One of the strippers is named Fufu and she said I’m “sweet but confusing” which is basically a friendship offer. Now we’re friends and she’s allowed to come over to Uncle Ray’s apartment whenever because she deserves warmth and maybe soup.

Current status: – Still not sure if the monkey was real

– Got pants now

– Fufu is my best friend

– Christmas carols sound threatening

10/10 weirdest holiday of my life

— Chad “Seasonal Victim of Events” Bangs