it was a bad idea, seeing what they had to perform and how she had to... move her body. it would be dancing for other people, but charlie knows she had no right to call what she was and will be doing as dancing. still, she liked to think that she had done a pretty decent job. she figured she was an okay vocal so most of the time, she was fixated on being able to dance and sing at the same time. during practices, when she gets frustrated, she starts reconsidering her decisions on becoming an idol. a total performance is what's expected, and despite the length of her training, it doesn't feel like she's anywhere ready compared to the other girls in the company.

'don't psych yourself out now, charlotte leong.' was the motto of the day. she repeated the words to herself whenever she'd feel her hands shaking. the performances before were different than today's. the crowds were bigger and there were many things to take the attention off of her. she wasn't being conceited that someone would actually look at her specifically, the girls in her team are amazing after all and all eyes will be on them, but one wrong move from her and she will be an eye sore. the stage is too small to make a mistake.

charlie also had to make sure she only thought about happy thoughts because her face could be an open book when she's overwhelmed or nervous -- like today. the song is... fun and bubbly, and not the kind of music she really saw herself doing... but this is an opportunity nevertheless. she will perform this song like she's born to do this concept. some of her friends in the hospital did say she looked like she would thrive in doing 'cute idol concepts', so she's drawing strength from that. (at the back of her mind, that was just them being nice about her being short and easy to squish... like a bug).

the pep talk -- if you can even call it that, worked because the nerves evaded her as soon as the music started. 'always wear that pretty smile, charlie.' was something her dad told her often, and wear it today, she did. she was mindful of her movements, where she had to move to, the lines they had to sing, and the expressions on her face. if she didn't know any better, she'd think that she's actually enjoying doing the song... if not for the fact that she was imagining singing it to someone. it was not intentional at all, but after having done it so many times lately, one person pops into mind at the mention of love.

she wanted to be more adventurous this year, not in the impulsive, don’t-think-about-it way, but more of stepping out of her comfort zone. and what better way to do that than this? a modelling workshop. it’s the perfect opportunity that presented itself, and charlie was more than willing to do it -- shoving all her inhibitions and doubts at the back of her mind. It’s… an eye-opener, and it’s actually quite interesting the more she thought about it. she didn’t think she’d be enjoying it even if she felt like she was making a fool of herself. it wasn’t like that one episode of america’s top model that she saw in passing -- her dad dated a model, or so she says, and she vaguely remembered confused about it all.

the people were surprisingly… nicer than she anticipated -- which just says a lot about how much she knows about the modelling industry. where she grew up, girls as tall as her don’t have a chance at this. charlie liked to believe that she isn’t unfortunate looking, maybe even borderline… okay looking, so the anxiety of having a bad angle didn’t bother her so much. she was never scared of being in front of the camera in the first place, she just chose not to be there until this moment. they guided and instructed her well. and not tripping over her feet while doing one pose after another was a good thing. this isn’t really as awful as she initially thought it would be. and she heard that the pay isn’t bad either.

charlie had expectations of how the dinner was supposed to go. she thought about not going in the first place, but she figured it wouldn’t hurt to attend company socials. she can’t keep skipping these things and make excuses because someone will eventually notice. things started to go wrong when (thanks to one good friend!) she finds herself sitting in that table, surrounded by the most unlikely of people. peaceful and quiet was far from what she had to deal with, and breathing was not an option either because one of the few people who scares her was sitting in that very table. then, it was followed by a series of interactions, laughter, small talks, and having to actually engage in conversations and respond sensibly, enthusiastically. to make things worse, she actually hears someone call out her name, out loud from somewhere at the far end of the table. she was laughing along with when she realizes it, and she lets out a rather loud, “yes?” in english, eyes scanning across the table before it lands on choi daehyun.

tonight was, perhaps, taking a toll on the young girl because she keeps hearing and not hearing things. but before their small (confusing) conversation could catch any more attention, someone comes to her aid. ”here you go, sunbae!” someone hands an empty glass over to daehyun, saving charlie from the possible wrath of one choi daehyun. her heart starts to calm, and she was slowly coming to her senses -- even her hearing, perfect timing! she’d roll her eyes if she could. and she keeps going, if she suddenly excused herself it may elicit unwanted attention, no matter how minute.

charlie sat there just as disinterested looking as the rest as they went over the rules, reminders, and introduced who would be watching them closely. there was very little preparation needed for her really, she does this often, even without the label of a competition. as soon as she got to the dorm, she'd sit at the foot of her bed and just... let her mind wonder. honestly, she preferred sleeping but lately it comes by with great difficulty so she'd just sit there, doing absolutely nothing but staring a the void. it's not exactly meditating, but once she realizes what she was doing, it was already midnight and way past the time she ought herself to sleep.

time usually moves faster like this, unlike with the rest of the activities that needed her to exert far more energy than she usually does. she's already exhausted more than usual the last few days, she'd end up injuring herself needlessly. first of all, who was she kidding if she participated in hurdles and the relay? her legs aren't built for dancing, running or jumping even more so. basketball, penalty shootout, pitching, bowling, and korean wrestling were out of the question -- she does not have a death wish, and too many people. archery just seems dangerous, rhythmic gymnastics... how does she even begin to elaborate her inability to contort her body in a way that would look beautiful and elegant?

charlie had been thinking about plans for her birthday – for a while now really. but something always comes up and the thought falls away as if she had not worried greatly about it. a day out sounded nice, to an amusement park or an arcade, but that would be tedious, having to make arrangements and check if everyone would be free at the same time. it’s impossible, not to mention inconvenient, and she didn’t want to be the only one having fun that day. then she thought of maybe cooking or baking something, what exactly it would be… she has yet to figure out.

but then the day came closer and closer, and she got busier, and there was not a single plan made. she was fine with it though, stressing over a day that she promised to make good memories of was not going to help. every day is special, that’s what she tells herself instead when she goes to training that day. and it wasn’t so bad, waking up earlier than usual, grabbing something from the nearby cafe and taking her time walking to the building. her mind was clear, attention focused on the most random of things. today was going to be peaceful and quiet, the perfect day.

charlie reminded herself that this is not an official debut, made it very clear to herself not to get her hopes up. and yet, there's still that momentary feeling of victory. this is what she had aimed to do, what she hoped to do for the rest of her life. none of it felt real, but she supposed that's what it's supposed to feel like when your dreams start to come true. the first song was always nerve wracking, always made her feel just a little anxious. it's what sets the tone for the entire show, and even when they've done this one too many times by now, she still feels weirdly worried about messing up.

although she had been getting more and more confident with her korean and her relatively improving japanese, charlie was still the most comfortable singing in english. or perhaps, these past few weeks had just been really stressful that she finds herself regressing. she had no problem singing the songs in their setlist, after all, all of the members had a say in what would be on it. she enjoyed practicing them, even enjoyed performing them live. not all of them were songs she saw herself performing, but that was the beauty of it, it challenged her to be more open and adventurous. the setlist made her step out of her comfort zone.

there was a confusing mix of emotion clawing at her insides. it seemed like a trick question, the kind that was not there for a mere teaching moment alone, but just to shake her. she wants to desperately hold his hands and be comforted until all her worries disappeared. a part of her wanted to drop everything and join him, forget all of this and live the wonderful life she knows they could build together. but perhaps she is not evolved, images of a happy family she never had all but remained that, images. no words dared escape her, even as she urged her hand to lift and tap one of her friends' shoulders, charlie couldn't move. she stood at the corner letting herself be pulled into her own little bubble once again.

she had to trace her steps back to the restroom, slow, careful steps bringing her to a short and somewhat emptied out hallway that stretched ahead of her like a never ending tunnel. the sound of the festivities falls behind her, and she feels the ground swaying from beneath her feet. charlie is relieved everyone's busy enjoying themselves, otherwise she would be dealing with whispers, weird looks, or worse, questions asked out of concern. charlie is fine, there is nothing to worry about. perhaps if she tells herself that a few more times, she'd actually believe it, and she wouldn't be walking on eggshells around her friends.

it was a full tour, and this time around, she wasn't mindlessly walking around with some group or some designated trainee to show her around. but she's actually soaking the whole thing in. it became even more meaningful, like a fresh start amidst all the preparations for the performances and the worries that she carries around with her. had she gone on this tour before, she wouldn't remember a single thing. but being there now, she was letting herself get used to the place. she doubts she'd spend any time anywhere else but the training room or hopefully the recording studio and the stage in the near future, but it was a nice feeling that she didn't feel like an outsider anymore.

charlie was hoping for a feast, or a snack bar at least really. (maybe she shouldn't have skipped breakfast but she was feeling nauseous and can't keep anything but the orange juice down.) instead of food though, she finds herself locked in a room and they wouldn't be able to leave until they solved the clues. it's a giant legacy escape room from the set-up and looks of it. her competitive side was triggered -- that and she was getting really hungry and wanted to get out of the room as soon as possible. she ended up finding the first number, and the others finding the remaining ones. she knew it wouldn't be so easy, even more so when they're met with the words 'she can only be seen when i'm asleep'.