cont. gojo x reader, angst. satoru’s tired of being the strongest. (he did not do anything irrational.) established relationship!au, gojo is alive, specific timeline unclear but it’s after the meguna incident, intentional lowercase.

a/n. you cannot tell me that gojo is not tired. he’s gone through so much, too much.

the way the official translation did if being read without context is more like Suguru getting jealous cuz Satoru just kept talking about Sukuna lol...and then when the other said he wasn't satisfied cuz Suguru wasn't there it just made him instantly tear up...

(years later, on the same day he killed suguru. and in his last moments, he got to see suguru again.)

*sigh* i,,, don't,, love him,,, to be honest 😅

just... a warning. do skip this one if you like og!lloyd. cause i'm not gonna be very nice to him akjshdka

i have very little patience for characters who are mean for no reason and have no other qualities to redeem them. which is what og!lloyd is.

Lloyd Frontera, the hooligan, was a mess. His personality. Behavior. Attitude. Not a single attribute of his was worthy of praise. He destroyed himself and those around him, slacking off and behaving recklessly at any given chance. He was always preoccupied with his thoughts about the Frontera fiefdom, a boring and hideous province. He pitied his fate of being born and rotting away in such a place. And so, he was always angry. He was enraged by the lack of his family's status and his unfulfilled greed. The anger, disappointment and frustration inside the young master were taken out on everyone around him. He hurled insults at maids and physically assaulted servants. He mistreated his parents and the rest of the family. -Chapter 236

like. man a piece of shit lmao. he was born in such a favorable position considering the setting he lived in, he was a noble, he had parents that loved and supported him, he was healthy and able bodied, he had so many opportunities of making something for himself. and he didn't.

"[...] You said I will really pull myself together and study hard this time. So please believe me and make an investment. I was happy. That was why I readily gave you the money that came from selling the villa for the academy tuition. But you completely wasted every single cent with the scoundrels you used to get along with. All the while, you shamelessly played around with women and threw grimy parties in drunken stupor" -Chapter 7

it clearly wasn't that he didn't have chances to be better. he had plenty of them. imagine having a dad that loves you so much that even after years of being an arrogant, rude, violent piece of crap still has the hope that you'll get better and gives you the resources that you need to achieve that. and then you waste them in drinking and messing around. like. god.

now let's talk about julian. his younger brother.

my god.

if anyone had any right to never ever forgive or trust lloyd again in his entire life it was julian.

"[...] Each day, he threw his drunken tantrum at all people. Breaking stuff in the house was commonplace. Sometimes, he hit people and Julian wasn't an exception. Arguably, Lloyd whacked Julian the most. When Julian was young, Lloyd beat him for not doing his errands. When Julian grew older, Lloyd beat him for hovering around when he was drinking. His violence grew worse to the point that Lloyd whacked, punched, and kicked Julian for always living an upright life." -Chapter 85

Three years ago, Julian prepared to leave the Frontera fiefdom to enroll in the academy and wanted to greet his brother before leaving. After all, he was still his brother despite how much Julian hated him. But the moment he opened the door, the pungent and acrid smell of alcohol assaulted hi nose, and then came a shout, yelling at him to get out since he's sleeping. Then, a bottle of alcohol was tossed in the air and hit the wall right beside Julian's face. The smell of liquor, the rough yelling and the shattered bottle. That marked his last interaction with Lloyd three years ago before Julian left for school. Julian stroked the corner of his left eyes by habit with his hand. There was a small scar on his skin, a burrow that looked like a mole. He had gotten it that very day three years ago from the shards of the glass bottle Lloyd threw. -Chapter 89

like. let's be clear here. lloyd isn't a child. he's not even an adolescent or a teenager. he's a grown ass man. he was 25 at the start of the novel. he's 5 years older than julian. the narration tells us that lloyd physically abused julian when he was young and then as he grew older. but julian left his home when he was 18. there was no point in their relationship where julian wasn't a minor being physically and verbally harassed by his five years older brother.

the text tells us lloyd physically assaulted the servents and it also tells us that arguably the person he hit the most was julian so. we can draw conclusions on how bad the abuse got.

so... all of that it's kind of what makes me feel so uncharitable towards og!lloyd.

he was such a,,, a shitty person. he had everything going for him and instead of making the most of it he decided it wasn't enough and grew bitter and angry that he didn't have more and decided to take it out on everyone around him. people who loved him, who worked for him, who would one day depend on him, people who simply didn't deserve the way he treated them.

and for what? because he thought his family wasn't prominent enough? cause he lived in a quiet and boring place? cause he didn't have more status? he was a noble for god sake, he was born in an aristocratic family, he wouldn't have to work a single day of his life if he so wanted! he could've gone to the capital city and studied hard like his brother and made something of himself if he wanted more prominence! he could've traveled and seen other places if he didn't want to be stuck in a small barony!

but he didn't want to work hard. he wanted everything to be handed to him from birth and not move a single finger to get what he wished for.

and y'know me, i love shitty characters, i love pathetic men, i love absolute bastards who want and take and hoard but the one thing i can't stand is spoiled, lazy and entitled brats who not only refuse to work for what they want but also dare to blame and hurt others for what they lack.

add to it that he was abusive ass to his little brother and employees and you have the perfect mix for a character that i would fight in a dennys parking lot at 3 am lmao

he eventually does come to regret the way he acted, but to me it's too little too late y'know? the damage was done and he had no way to fix it. and the thing is if he hadn't been forced out of his body and made to watch as someone else took over his life he never would've changed. he would've go on to die as the same rude, violent and incompetent person he lived as.

but, for the sake of being fair, i will acknowledge that he did come to genuinely regret his actions. to realize that he had no excuse. and it is genuinely sad to see him come to terms with the fact that the person who replaced him was a better son, a better brother, a better heir and better person than he ever was. that there was a reason his parents worried and cared for the person walking around in his body now. that the person who took over his body changed completely the reputation he'd made for himself by being a hooligan.

and he did ask after his parents before going into the reincarnation gate so i guess he did care for them even if he didn't show it when he was alive. also him not asking after julian because he knows his brother is smart and he's sure he's fine on his own is kinda sweet (even if i don't think it's nearly enough to make up for all the years of abuse lol)

speaking of the reincarnation gate! at first i thought og!lloyd being reborn as suho would make me like him more but?? actually it did the contrary??? it was so weird!! i thought my feelings of "💜💖💕💞<333💗💖<<3💞💜💕💜<33" for lloyd would bleed through and soften me up to og!lloyd but nope! kinda made me even more mad at him asjkhdka because like,,, it just kinda showed that he never had any reason to act like that?? and i already knew that but making a direct comparison to lloyd in canon just made it all the more clear.

suho had so many reasons to become a terrible person. he had so many reasons to stop caring for other people and become a total asshole. to stop trying so hard and give up and just take up the vice of his choice to drown out his bitterness. and he never did. he never stopped trying, he never stopped caring, he never could bring himself to not love the people around him.

and you could argue that this is because of og!lloyds resolution to be a better person in his next life but i think that ascribing everything that suho did to that would be a disservice to suho's character. he has none of og!lloyd's memories, he has no idea that was his past life, he's his own person, formed by his own experiences and feelings and environment and to act like all he is and does is because of the regrets of his previous life is taking away the strength it took for him to take all of his pain and hurt and tragedy and decide that he wanted something better, both for himself and for his new family.

so does og!lloyd's resolution for his next play a part on suho's character? yeah, almost definitely. but i don't think it's all there is to it and it certainly does not make up for all the hurt he caused in his own life.

i'm a nurture over nature kind of person, so i tend to think of suho and og!lloyd as different characters despite the whole reincarnation thing. i fully believe it is our experiences and decisions who make us, well, us, who we are as persons, so suho having his own memories and not remembering life as og!lloyd is enough to make him his own person, shared soul or not. but ymmv and all that