#cffaf

He was in a field of flowers. That was the first thing he noticed when he sat up. They came in bright, psychedelic colors that felt like they should’ve hurt his eyes.

Barry glanced around and noted a forest, some mountains and a lake. They too seemed to be made of impossible colors. He wondered where he was.

He stood up and went to brush off his pants only to realize he wasn’t wearing pants. He was wearing a deep red dress with golden checkers on it.

“What the hell?” Barry muttered. He played with the skirt of the dress watching it fall and fluff with the lace underneath it. It was long sleeved and had lace at the cuffs, collar and hem as well as a lace petticoat. The checkers were all over the dress in the most tacky color arrangement possible for a dress and Barry felt rather like a Christmas tree ornament. He noticed he also was wearing red tights of some kind but just plain black flats. Thank goodness for that, Barry thought, I’d be dead in the water if I had to walk in heels.

Speaking of which, where did Barry need to go? He felt like he was waiting for something but he didn’t know what.

He looked around again and noticed a small green trail through the wildflowers. Seeing no other option, Barry shrugged to himself and started to walk down the little green path. The path seemed to be made of what felt like gravel underfoot but the pebbles sparkled like gems. Barry racked his brain to try and remember if there was any sort of mineral was this kind of bright neon green.

After a few minutes of walking, Barry ended up at the edge of the forest. The trees towered above him in sickeningly loud purples and magentas. Each leaf looked to be made in a different shape than every other leaf. The trunks were covered in some sort of orange moss that looked incredibly soft.

Barry had just tentatively reached his hand out when a voice stopped him.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” It was silky and smug, like the voice knew something Barry didn’t.

Barry looked around at the ground for the voice’s body.

“Little higher.” The voice sing songed and Barry looked up to catch a slight movement in the trees. As he continued to peer, he noticed the outline of a cat. The cat was the exact same colors as the trees in alternating stripes. It settled on the branch, it’s tail curling up around it’s paws.

“And why’s that?” Barry asked, a frown furrowing his brow. The cat snickered and grinned the largest grin Barry had ever seen. It was almost unnerving how wide it stretched across it’s face.

“Why, it would make you sane. You wouldn’t want that, we’re all mad here, you’d be all alone if you were sane.” The cat licked it’s paw and began grooming behind it’s ears.

Barry crossed his arms over his chest. “What are you talking about? I’m not crazy!” The cat simply looked at Barry.

“Oh, Alice,” It purred, “You’re just as mad as we are, trust me.” The cat slowly began to disappear before Barry’s eyes.

“Wait!” Barry cried and stretched out a hand but all that remained of the cat was it’s great big grin. Barry huffed in annoyance.

“Well that’s just great.” He muttered. “How the hell am I supposed to figure out where I am now? Or how to get back to where I need to be?” Barry frowned and propped his fists on his hips. He surveyed the tree trunks covered in moss that wove through the electric blue underbrush. The small branches reminded Barry of the flower Baby’s Breath.

As he continued to look around, he caught sight of a pair of white ears extending above the bushes. They moved along jerkily and twitched every which way. Barry felt his gut tug at the sight of the ears and suddenly his legs were sprinting towards whatever was attached to those ears.

When Barry drew closer he heard the owner of the ears muttering. He finally burst through the last of the blue brush. He had several scrapes on his hands and tears in his dress. Sufficed to say, while the undergrowth looked like Baby’s Breath it was a lot more thorny.

When Barry looked down past the pair of white ears, he found a miniature version of Captain Cold wearing a three piece suit. He was barely taller that Barry’s knee and had a fluffy white tail to go with his tall bunny ears.

“I’m late.” He drawled, “I’m late for a very important date.” Captain Cold the bunny hopped right past Barry as if he weren’t even there.

Barry gaped. “What the fuck?” He gasped out after a few minutes of staring at the receding tail of Captain Cold through the trees. Barry began to feel that tug in his gut again as Captain Cold was at the top of a hill and nearly out of sight. Somehow, Barry knew that Captain Cold was somehow linked to his way out of this nuthouse.

“Wait!” He yelled for the second time that day and raced after the bunny.

When he reached the top of the hill, he didn’t see Captain Cold anywhere. Barry let out a breath and rubbed his temple. Where the hell could he have gone? Barry wondered as he stared out over the plant life. There didn’t seem to be any wildlife about at all actually. Barry frowned at that. That’s odd, he thought before mentally shrugging. Well, he couldn’t have gotten far, Barry mused and began to walk again.

The trees seemed to fly by as Barry walked. The colors mixing in a dizzying blur. He paused for a moment and noticed that the trees had actually changed colors to a pale yellow and tangerine. It wasn’t quite as jarring as the edge of the forest Barry had encountered but it was still incredibly strange to see something other than brown and green for trees.

There were also mushrooms in place of the thorny Baby’s Breath. They were short and squat. They came in a variety of dazzling colors and sickening patterns that Barry could barely look at before his eyes began to water.

Barry took a deep breath to try and stave off a headache from the brightly colored mushrooms. He coughed on something sickly sweet and glanced up sharply. He started when he saw the gigantic caterpillar sitting on more mushrooms. The caterpillar was holding a hookah and blowing out long breath of smoke. It had the most pleased expression Barry had ever seen on a caterpillar, although Barry had to admit he’d never seen a caterpillar large enough to study the facial expressions.

“Hello?” He called. The caterpillar took another draw from the hookah. Barry called again, a little louder. The caterpillar simply breathed out. Barry coughed at the smoke blown in his direction.

“Hello!” He yelled and the caterpillar slowly turned to face him. It blinked twice before responding.

“Salutations.” The word was drawn out extensively and Barry was almost worried he’d never hear the end of it.

“I don’t suppose you say a rabbit come by here?” He asked. The caterpillar sighed out more smoke and closed its eyes.

“Yes.” It murmured vacantly. Barry grit his teeth.

“Great,” He bit out, “Where did he go?”

The caterpillar took another draw and leaned back against the mushroom. “I don’t know.”

Barry closed his eyes and counted to ten. “You saw the rabbit but you don’t know where he went?” He repeated. The caterpillar nodded absently.

“Great.” Barry muttered.”What am I supposed to do then?”

“Mushrooms.” The caterpillar sighed out. Barry frowned in confusion at the caterpillar.

“What?”

“The mushrooms,” the caterpillar pointed vaguely at the fungi next to Barry, “They can make you bigger or smaller.”

“If I were bigger I could see Cold over the trees.” Barry mused. He turned to look at the mushrooms. “Which ones make me bigger?”

The caterpillar hummed before he shook his head slowly. “I don’t know.”

Barry huffed out a breath and bit his lip as he studied the mushrooms.

“Well, here goes nothing.” He plucked a burgundy fungus with blue paisley designs on it and took a bite. Almost immediately, Barry began to grow. He crested the tops of the trees in mere seconds and soon he was too tall to see anything within the forest.

Barry leaned over the trees and squinted. “Dammit,” he said, “I’m too tall. I can’t see anything.” He continued to look anyway in some vain hope that he might catch a glimpse of white ears. All he came across was a clearing.

The clearing appeared to have some sort of event set up as there was a table and chairs in the middle. The table was perfectly set with black lace upon a burnt orange table cloth and porcelain dishes. There was even a teapot.

Barry yawned audibly and he heard a small pop. He had the most peculiar sensation as he began to shrink again. He tumbled forward into the clearing and landed flat on his ass with an oof.

He sat there for a little bit, winded. When he did start to look around, he noticed three people had come to sit at the table. Or rather, three creatures. One looked human enough and was chattering away as he lifted his teacup. The other two looked like a mouse and a rabbit. Barry perked up immediately only to realize it wasn’t Captain Cold.

He got up and walked over to the table.

“Hello.” He said and smiled at the three of them. The man turned and gasped.

“Oh Alice! You’re just in time for tea! Come sit, come sit!” His hat tipped dangerously as he gestured wildly to Barry. Barry moved to sit next to the man.

“My name’s not Alice.” He disputed.

“Isn’t it?” The man looked terribly confused at his statement. “Then what is it?”

Barry floundered. “I-I don’t know.” The man nodded sagely.

“Then we shall call you Alice!” He grinned delightedly as the mouse and rabbit raised their glasses and cheered.

Barry looked askance at his three table mates. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen a white rabbit go past?”

The man giggled. “Oh Alice! You’re so funny. Won’t you have some tea and cakes? I’m the Mad Hatter by the way.” The tea in his cup sloshed over the edge and landed on the black lace. It shrivelled up like a dead plant.

“No thank you.” He replied. The Mad Hatter gasped as the mouse dropped his own cup and the rabbit fainted dead away.

“No no no no no no. That won’t do, Alice. You have to leave if you’re not going to have tea.” The Mad Hatter began pushing at Barry. Barry fell out of his chair.

“Hey!” He yelled. The Mad Hatter continued to push him until he reached the fringe of the trees.

“If you’re not going to have tea, you can’t be with us. It’s tea time and we must have tea!” With that, the Mad Hatter turned and strode back to the table. Barry stood, dumbfounded.

“Oh dear. Wouldn’t to keep your mouth open like that, bugs will get in.” Barry turned to find the purple and pink cat sitting in the tree just in front of him.

“You.” He said intelligently.

“Yes, me. Have you found your rabbit yet, Alice?” The cat stretched leisurely out on the branch.

Barry shook his head. “My name’s not Alice.”

“Perhaps you should try the white road.” The cat gestured with one paw towards the forest, ignoring him.

“What path?” Barry asked as he peered into the darkness. As soon as he said something, the path appeared, glowing brighter than the sun.

Barry decided to just go with it this time and began to walk down the glowing white path. The trees had changed color again to luminescent green and white. They seemed to pulse softly as he walked along. Barry wondered at what sort of forest had such strange trees that changed so frequently. He imagined without the paths he’d encountered it would be difficult to find your way out if the trees continued to change so much.

Eventually Barry reached another clearing. He heard shouting as he broke through the last of the branches. Three men in red ran after a ball as it skipped over the grass and barely made it under a small red arch.

A shrill voice broke through the clearing and a woman with an impossibly high starched collar appeared. She berated the men for running after the ball, yelling obscenities that made Barry raise his eyebrows disbelievingly.

The three red men cowered in front of the slight woman until she turned away and marched to her ball. She swung the mallet Barry hadn’t noticed earlier and hit the ball with incredible force. None of the men ran after it this time. The woman fumed again and yelled at them to go after it. The three men scrambled to comply, tripping over each other in their haste.

Barry stepped farther into the clearing and noticed the large amount of red men running around in a flurry fetching things only to be yelled at by the woman. They all seemed to be horribly afraid of her.

“Off with his head!” Barry whipped his head around at the screech. There was a solitary red man cowering in front of the woman. He was whimpering out pleas but she refused to listen as two of his comrades dragged him to a stump.

Just as the executioner raised his axe, Barry cried out. “Wait!”

The woman looked up at him sharply. “Who are you to question my orders? I am the Queen of Hearts!” She shrilled out.

“Why are you going to kill him? He only did what he was asked.” Barry queried. The Queen of Hearts turned purple.

“Impudence!” She screeched and pointed accusingly at Barry. “Off with his head!”

Several red men marched towards Barry with determined expressions. Barry backed away slowly. As he glanced between all the red men he noticed a white figure behind them. He focused on it and noticed it was the rabbit. Barry made a split decision to go after the rabbit. He ducked under the waiting arms of the red men and raced over to where Captain Cold was checking his pocket watch.

“Hey!” He called and raised a hand to wave at the rabbit. Captain Cold looked up briefly before he began to hop away.

“I’m late. I’m late for a very important date.” He said as he disappeared through the trees again.

“Oh!” Barry stamped his foot in frustration. He was going to have to go after the rabbit back into the forest.

He glanced behind him to see the red men running as fast as their stubby legs could carry them. Barry dove into the trees and hoped this time he’d be able to find that stupid rabbit for longer than a few moments.

There was no sign of the actual rabbit under the deep canopy but there were small imprints in the soft earth. Barry jogged along after them. The prints led him over rocky terrain which suddenly turned into a desert and then again into a lake with lily pads that somehow kept the shape of the rabbit’s footprints. Barry jumped from lily pad to lily pad, wobbling slightly as they sloshed around on the surface of the lake. On the other side of the lake, Barry saw a small cottage. He sped up to reach the cottage and nearly fell into the water.

He jumped to the ground with a satisfying crunch before padding to the door of the small cottage. It looked to be about the right size for a rabbit. There was a carrot garden out back and that was what clinched it for Barry. He knocked on the door. Barry waited as he heard shuffling.

The door swung open and there stood the white rabbit.

“Hello!” Barry couldn’t help the immense amount of relief in his voice.

“What do you need, Alice?” Captain Cold asked, quirking an eyebrow. Barry sat back on his heels.

“Oh. Um, I don’t know. I just knew I had to look for you.” Barry mumbled. The rabbit sighed.

“I can’t help you if you don’t know what you want, Alice.” He began to close the door.

“Wait!” Barry cried and stuck his hand in the doorjamb. Captain Cold glared at him, his ears twitching.

“Go away now, Alice. I have an important engagement.” He said and pushed Barry’s hand out of the way. The door shut with a slam.

Barry sat stunned. He felt tears begin to well in his eyes and he sniffed. Tears leaked out and streamed down his cheeks. He couldn’t believe after all he did to try and find the rabbit, he had been turned out before he so much as got to ask why he had to follow the rabbit.

Barry’s tears splashed on the ground and didn’t dissolve. Instead, they began to grow and grow until Barry was sitting in a puddle. As he cried, he began to shrink and soon the puddle of tears was an ocean. Barry tried to swim in it but he couldn’t. There was some sort of current that was pulling him and slipped under. His breath bubbled out and Barry panicked. He felt himself begin to lose consciousness and his eyes closed of their own volition.

Barry woke with a start, breathing heavily from his dream. He looked blearily around and realized that he was in STAR Labs.

“Barry! You’re awake!” Cisco was just coming into the cortex and he ran over.

Barry sat up and blinked as Cisco checked the equipment hooked up to him.

“What happened?” He asked. He tried to sit up but Cisco stopped him.

“We dunno, man. You were fighting this meta and then suddenly you passed out. We had to come get you. You’ve been in a state of fitful REM. Or at least, that’s what Caitlin says.”

Barry nodded slightly. He remembered that. “Did we catch the meta?”

Cisco shook his head. “Nah, man, sorry. We kinda wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“It’s fine.” He started pulling at the IV in his arm. “I had the weirdest dream though.”

Cisco snorted. “If your brain waves were any indication it was certainly something.” He helped unhook Barry from the rest of the machines.

“I dreamed that I was Alice in Wonderland. It was nuts.” He stood up slowly and walked over to grab his STAR Labs sweatshirt. “I met the Chesire cat and the Queen of Hearts and Captain Cold was there. He was the white rabbit.”

Cisco raised his eyebrows. “That does sound nuts. You should probably stay here until Caitlin gives you the green light. You know how worried she gets.” The two shared a smile.

When Barry was officially discharged by Caitlin, he went straight home. He spent the evening watching a movie and eating several pizzas. He was hesitant to fall asleep again lest he have another dream reminiscent of LSD. He really didn’t need to have anymore dreams of Captain Cold as a rabbit.

It’s been three months, six days, and twelve hours. Barry’s moved out of the apartment and into another, smaller one with a view of a brick wall. He cooks for himself and goes out shopping like normal. He spends time at the library and park. He’s even been going to work.

The cops all look at him like he’s porcelain, even Captain Singh hasn’t been yelling as much.

Barry hates it. He wishes they would just treat him like they did before, he’s not some glass figurine.

Outside of work, Barry doesn’t do much. Sure, he’s started going out again, but he never does anything with friends. Cisco’s called a few times, so has Iris and Caitlin, even Felicity and Oliver, but he just can’t bring himself to do anything. People disgust him and he doubts he could stand being in a restaurant or club too long before throwing up.

They’re starting to really grow worried, the last time he was this distant was years ago, after that damn singularity. They’ve tried dropping by his new apartment but Barry never lets them stay long, if they stay then they ask stupid questions and Barry really can’t stand stupidity right now.

The park’s become his new favorite place. There are plenty of people to watch, all laughing in a way that almost seems disjointed to Barry. Although, maybe laughter’s always been that way and Barry just never noticed until he stopped.

It’s spring now and everything is blooming in big bursts. Barry notes it all, watching as the daffodils spring up brightly and then recede like a tide. The way the trees turn from bleak outlines to full branches.

It seems too fast to him, which is hilarious. Something too fast for the man who could run around the world in mere minutes? Barry laughs about it late at night until the tears catch in his throat and make it impossible to do anything but breathe. It sounds harsh and awful, just like that disjointed laughter in the park. When he’s trying not to choke on his own silence, he realizes that’s the first time he’s laughed in over three months. Somehow, that’s funny too and Barry breaks into another peal of warped laughter that feels like a knife in his lung.

Three months, eight days, and two hours. Barry’s up at one in the morning, an itch to do something. He decides to spend some time running. After all, it’s one of the few things he’s good at and isn’t there something about how depressed people are supposed to do things they’re good at? Barry’s sure it had been in that packet Caitlin gave him along with a list of psychiatrists. After what feels like an hour, Barry stops and finds himself in London. It’s early morning there, people just waking up and getting on with their day.

Stereotypically, the sky is overcast and looks like Degas got bored with just a canvas and took the sky with his strokes of grey. The clouds swirl with the paintbrush and Barry likes to imagine maybe Degas took grey and painted over the people too because they certainly looked just as washed out as the clouds do.

Three months, twelve days, and sixteen hours. Barry’s standing in front of a lake. He’s right on the edge, the water lapping at the toes of his boots. The surface reminds him of a slab of stone, smooth and dark.

He’s contemplating the mathematical ramifications of skipping a stone across the surface of the lake while he twists a small silver band between his fingers. The band weaves in and out rhythmically between his fingers and he can feel the grooves of engraving in it.

He stands a few minutes more before his arm stretches backwards as if to throw. He holds the pose, shaking before he drops his arm and falls to his knees.

“Dammit.” Barry whispers, his voice like shattered glass. He sits back on his heels and bites his lip as he stares at the little band. His eyes close briefly and his chest heaves in heavy breaths.

It takes a while but Barry does get up. He shoves the ring in his pocket and walks away, jaw clenched and brow furrowed.

Three months seventeen days, and five hours. Barry’s back at the park this time. It’s another sunny afternoon in Central but Barry hasn’t seen much in color these days so it doesn’t seem to make a difference to him.

There are two girls playing with a set of figurines in the grass. From what he can tell, it’s the whole original League plus a few notables. Barry watches impassively as the girls squabble over a pair of the action figures. It’s the Green Arrow and Captain Cold figurines. Barry snorts softly at that. Oliver and Len got under each other’s skin like it was their personal job assigned to them. They hated each other to Oa and back and it had been Barry’s job to keep them from killing each other.

Barry looks at the grass after that. It moves slowly in the cool breeze, swaying mesmerizingly. When he looks back up, the girls are gone and the sun is wondering about dipping below the horizon.

Three months, twenty four days, and 12 hours. Barry finally decides to go to a club. When he asks his friends to join him, their relief is palatable. Iris looks so happy, Cisco’s got that gigantic grin, and Caitlin just looks at him with eyes that are entirely too perceptive.

They go to the new club in Central City. It only opened a month ago and the music berates Barry’s ears like nails on a chalkboard. There’s too much movement, too many people, and the heat is slowly squeezing all the air out of Barry’s lungs.

He escapes to the bathroom but it isn’t much better. His nose is assaulted with lemon cleaning product and the lights are blinding compared to the relative darkness of the club. They pulse behind his eyelids in time to the bass that moves through the walls like they aren’t even there.

It’s too much, everyone is too much and Barry can feel the bile rise in his throat. He braces himself against the sink and presses his lips into a thin line. A shuddering breath turns into twenty before he can finally brave the club again.

He summons a smile for his friends and points to a seat at the bar when they beckon him to the floor. Caitlin breaks away and joins Barry. She rummages around in her purse until she extracts a small vial.

“Pour it into any alcoholic drink, it’ll increase the proof and slow your metabolism to let it take.” She presses the vial into his hands and looks at him with those ever observant eyes. “I figured you might need it.”

Barry stares at the vial for a moment before he looks back up at Caitlin.

“Thanks.” He whispers, a small smile in place. Caitlin just nods before slipping back to the dance floor.

Barry orders several shots of tequila. Each one gets a dash of the concoction and Barry feels it all fade away in a completely different way than the way everything had faded three months, twenty four days, and thirteen hours ago because this time there isn’t anything left, not even that hollow ache.

Three months, twenty nine days, and seven hours. The League saves the world again. Another hostile invasion of aliens or something. Barry wouldn’t know, he didn’t go.

The Flash hasn’t been seen on League business for months, the news networks say. Three, to be precise, the snobbish ones correct and then speculate on why. Their theories are incredible and nothing quite so mundane as what Barry is experiencing. It’s ridiculously hysterical how far off they are that Barry can’t help but laugh until his face hurts and his lungs burn and even then his laugh sounds distorted and broken. It’s like it ceased to work when the rest of him started to shut down. He’s just a robot on the edge of collapse with no creator to come along and oil his rusty joints.

Four months, two days, and nineteen hours. Barry’s standing at the small unassuming grave far out of the city. He’s holding bluebells, Len’s favorite, if only for the cliche blue theme.

He glares at the granite stone in front of him. The words inscribed are personal and straight from Lisa. The public statue in Central City has all the hero worship and ridiculous sentiment for the public to eat up.

A beloved brother who never stopped doing what was right, no matter how tough.

“You’re an asshole, you know that, right?” Barry drops the flowers on the ground in front of the grave. “You couldn’t have been less of the hero you claimed you weren’t?”

He crosses his arms and presses his lips together.

“Dammit, two days. Two days, Len. That’s all I needed.” Barry squeezed his eyes shut. “You couldn’t have waited for me?”

“I was going to propose!” He yells at the tombstone, bitter tears starting to streak down his face. “Dammit, Len! Two fucking days.”

He collapses to his knees. “I was going to propose, you ass. Why couldn’t you have waited for Bruce to get there? He would’ve been able to stop it, you didn’t have to.” He whispers, hands clasping his elbows. He sniffs and rubs at his eyes.

“I loved you. Still do, and I don’t know how I can do this.” He gave a wet laugh. “I was never any good at managing things without you. I honestly don’t know how I survived without you.”

Barry closed his eyes again as tears began to leak out. “I don’t how I’m going to survive.” He sniffed again and opened his eyes to stare at the epitaph again.

He gently traced the engraved letters. His other hand moved to his pocket and began to fiddle with the silver band.

“I’m going to try, though. I know you’d want that.” Barry sat for a few more minutes before getting up. He stared wistfully at the grave before walking away.

Four months, three days, and two hours. Barry walks into work with a small smile and a silver ring strung on necklace placed front and center just below his collarbone. He’s not over it, but he’s getting there. He knows it’ll take time and for once he thinks slowing things down might just be the best approach.