I was in so much pain though and I still am...this is so damn difficult and to sit in the final concert for this season was alskdjf tough. I keep thinking about myself as a composer, and how, ultimately, I am a cellist first. And it really pained me to watch the excellent cello work tonight. It pains me to sit in those uncomfortable chairs with my legs and hands hurting, wanting desperately to practice when I get back to my apartment, and to think about how Iāve had nearly no cello instruction this school year. How Iām leaving without getting to play on that stage - how I had a chance to, but had to miss the concert due to illness.
It is thisĀ that is exacerbated when people donāt take me seriously as a composer. I understand that Iām not a fantastic composer. But composition lets me operate - even if I cannot practically execute - on the purely intellectual level, where I know my theory and my music history and my literature. And it doesnāt leave me in nearly as much physical pain as cello. I suppose I naturally assume that I will get the respect for the way I knowĀ music far more in composition, but this has not been quite the case (perhaps somewhat, but).
