#cbatrk

and maybe it's becuase i was also a fat kid with frizzy hair who was always sort of generally liked but no one's bestest best friend when i was first reading the books but good god i think about dorcus loom a lot

because, sure, yeah, she's one of the 'evil' endowed children... by why wouldn't she be? think about it!

you're dorcus, you are described by the narrative as perpetually smiling and cheerful and unoffensive and fat. you don't really have any close friends, because none of the boys talk to you, and zelda is mean, and maybe you think, a little bit, that you and emilia moon are friends because you are both in art and you are both quiet but you don't actually hang out.

you're endowment is scary, if you even know what it is, so you don't tell anyone about it. poisioning clothing is mean and bad and no one will be your friend if they know so you don't tell them about it. you live in a house with over protective brothers who love you but aren't your friends and big dogs you're scared of. and maybe those big dogs are why you don't like animals. who knows? they're your brothers dogs and there isn't much you can do about it.

then, charlie bone shows up, and emilia becomes this cool, bright, beautiful thing named emma who certainly isn't your friend now. she barely was before. and there becomes this big divide between the children of the red king: the mean ones and the good ones.

no one seems to care where you go. the good ones don't try to get you on their side, even when they wish the scales were balanced more to their ends. no one talks to you, even when they're allowed to.

and then... belle. belle, who is pretty and blonde and maybe she promises to teach you how to take care of your hair and maybe she tells you that she knows what your endowment is. that it's not something scary and awful, it's beautiful. it's useful. and maybe you're tired of being a pleasent thing that no one bothers to get to know.

she takes you to a person whose just like you, who can help, who we've been taught by the narrative is a lovely, beautiful manipulator and who is telling you that she likes you.

sure, listening to venetia and belle gets people hurt, but those people don't like you much anyway.

and then, even after belle leaves, you have friends! the twins! and joshua tilpin who makes you feel so good about yourself. this magnetic boy who makes you feel so, so, so happy all the time. friends!!!

venetia still teaches you, and the adults think you're capable, and you have friends and that's all you ever wanted.

and also you're ten.

you are ten years old at the start of this.