#caveh

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It wasn't love...we didn't know each other long enough for that.  But his leaving highlighted an emptiness I hadn't realized was there.  He had filled a void in my heart, maybe even my soul that I had casually gone about China without acknowledging...to do so would be to admit that I am lonely, and I can't let that be because I'm likely to fall apart.  For a month...the first month I was here, I was able to curl up safely in someone's arms at night, to have someone to make me smile, to speak my language, to tell me I'm beautiful...I didn't realize how much I'd come to rely on that...how much I anticipated catching mere glances of him as he would walk by.  The realization that he is going to be gone finally sunk in, and I can't seem to cover the hole that has suddenly made itself known.

Now that I have to sit here in my apartment, filled with things that he so kindly gave me, I realize how much I will miss having that.  I remember how great being with someone who cares about you can be, and how being single can be so incredibly lonely... especially when you are in a country where you don't know anyone, don't speak the language, and can hardly find things that are somewhat familiar.  

This movie is a wellspring of mind-fucks. Over the last five years, since I first watched this movie, I have learned over, and over again from it. One time I had a really bad marijuana experience and I cried and I almost got a tattoo as a result. I still want that tattoo, but i'm glad i didn't get it then. I want a "holy moment" tattoo. The concept that Bazin discusses about film and how it is "holy" because it captures the "holy moment" that is the present. Why is the present moment  "holy"? Because, as Caveh explains: "[Bazin] believes that, you know, God obviously ended up like, everything ... he believes, for him reality and God are the same. You know, like ... and so what film is actually capturing is like God incarnate, creating. And this very moment, God is manifesting as this. And what the film would capture if it was filming us right now would be like God as this table, and God as you, and God as me, and God looking the way we look right now, and saying and thinking what we're thinking right now, because we are all God manifest in that sense. So film is actually like a record of God, or of the face of God, or of the ever-changing face of God."