#caspers journal

So basically, my partner has quite a past. But so does everyone. The only issue is, my partner, or should I say my husband, seems to allow this past to arise back into our lives. We have been together 10 years, married for almost 3 months and honestly, I love him more than anything in this world and I know he loves me too, in some way. He takes good care of me when we are together and is always looking out for me if I need it. I'm not even sure I know how to explain this all properly, but he has a cheating history of exchanging messages, photos/videos, calls etc with some others and has also physical cheated sexually in the past. The majority of these are with people he has a past with (the past being before us). There have been so many incidents over the years, that I feel has completely fucked me up. I always chose to forgive but never forgot.

I know, it's a toxic kind of situation. We did separate in the new year of 2017 after I found out that he had physically cheated on me whilst back on his home island for his father's birthday, and the separation lasted for almost 3 full years, but we somehow found our way back. He wasn't constantly trying to find hook ups or chats with other guys anymore and he seemed a lot more content whenever we spent time together and so I felt this was a good sign. When I asked what the hell was going on with us, we mutually felt that it was a great time to try again. Now I understand that he had some personal issues within his childhood but surely these issues cannot be the reason he keeps bringing this shit back up into our relationship/lives. I don't want all of it to be a cause for us severing ties between us in any point of the future.

Due to all of this past, I have found it difficult to keep any kind of positive mind set. Since we rekindled just before Christmas 2019, there hasn't been any finds of physical cheating or anything too serious, but I won't say that we have been going strong without any issue because that would be a lie. I find it so difficult to deal with because the love I have for him is so bloody strong. There's no doubt that we have a connection, and we are DEFINATELY meant to be but fuck! My head is constantly in a spin. Thoughts running me into overdrive. Constantly wondering, panicking. Overthinking? Not knowing I can even feel trust anymore. All the times he's been up to no good, i've always trusted my gut. I've had that literal gut feeling. My stomach turns. I was always able to pick up on his actions if they seemed unusual, if something he did or said seemed out of the ordinary. Never once do I ever remember being wrong. Of course I had to do my research and always found the facts to back it up. I could just tell when he was being suss that he was up to something. Although, I heard a phrase today which I feel makes so much sense, and so I will quote it.

"No one knows someone better than the person they live with"

This is ABSOLUTELY spot on!

More so, I am exhausted and tired of battling the struggles in my head and my heart everyday. I have no one to talk to about all of this. My husband is genuinely a lovely guy. He will always help others whenever he feels he can and he is somewhat caring and sweet too. I never want others to hate on him or think bad of him, so therefore I keep everything to myself and attempt daily to battle the struggles I am faced with. I'm not posting here to look for sympathy. That is NOT my intention at all, I promise that. It is merely to release my worries, stresses, any anger I feel building up, which in all honesty, can sometimes be A LOT of all of those. I need to do this for the sake of my own mental health before I spin out of control.

So basically, to short list my issues, I constantly feel insecure, like i'm never going to be enough for him. Even though he's not been acting out of line for a while now. I feel like my trust is all out of wack. I don't allow it to rule my days, but it will be every now and then, thoughts will pop into my head like "Is he with someone else at the house whilst i'm at work?" or "He's working out and about today, or is he with someone else doing fuck knows what?" and i'm having to brush these thoughts over just to get through work to get through my day.

Every day is a damn struggle and worry. Am I being stupid and an absolute moron for this? Or for even feeling that just maybe I cannot fully trust him alone? I feel I sound stupid and crazy for this, but after so many incidents and stunts he's pulled off, and tried to pull off over the last 9 years is madness.

Another quote I heard last week which I will also quote.

"When someone you love deceives you, you're will always find yourself willing, or even thinking about forgiveness. But a time will come when that someone deceives you too many times, and eventually that love and forgiveness will turn into hate and resentment"

So, it's the 10th November 2022. I have decided that I have too much of a cluster fuck in my mind and I NEED a way to get some release. I had the idea to maybe start an online blog to help with this. I originally tried some online journal/diary/blog sites and apps and they want to charge to use them. Can you believe that? So here it is. I resorted to Tumblr. An anonymous tumblr journal blog I guess.