#casper rants

Romance being pushed onto you at a young age. In kindergarten, saying you have a ‘boyfriend’ because you have a friend who happens to be a boy and this being normal. Fourth grade people asking who you have a crush on, refusing to believe you don’t, and then getting offended when you say your best friend (you don’t know what love is, who else could you have picked?) Fifth grade you think you finally have a crush, you’re finally normal (it’s just gender envy, but how would you have known different?) Sixth grade watching everyone in your school couple up and date (how do they know they like each other? why don’t you?) Seventh and eighth grade spent thinking you’re too young for love, to date, everything before you didn’t know but you will when you’re older (you have to, right? Never mind other people in your grade dating. You want to date, too). Ninth grade, entering highschool and realizing you’re cupioromantic. You don’t feel romantic attraction, but you want it, and that’s ok! You’ll have it someday! (When you’re older. At the next event, you will meet your person. Or the one after that. Or the one after that). Tenth grade you will mention this to someone online, who will confess to having a crush on you. They will ask to date you. You will feel obligated to say yes. (They’ve dated more people than you can count. Every week, a new name listed, then a day in mourning, then another name.) You will feel sick thinking about them. You will break up, say it isn’t the right person. A few months later one of your closest friends will confess. You will say yes. You do like them (right?) You will be a good partner and talk and ignore the sickness in your stomach, the impostor syndrome, how when you think of them you feel the clashing of a thousand discordant instruments in your head. You will wreck them. You will feel terrible. But you keep yearning for something. You will dream of your person who you love, because they must be out there (they must, they must, they must) as you cope with the fact you can’t. The sickness will infect your fantasies.

You cannot feel romantic attraction. You cannot feel romantic love, just sickness. You will always want it.

That summer you will meet a nice guy. He will be funny and charming and entirely not interested in you (you’ve never talked) and you will avoid him from fear. You don’t want to get closer. Because if you do, you’ll hope he asks you out (you could never ask first) and you know you’d ruin it. Tear everything limb from limb until your relationship lies bloody in the street. You are scared.

You always will be.

louis: yeah theres like this hivemind for vampires-

daniel: did you eat the baby.

louis: ..and this one guy in the hivemind is kinda crazy lmao!!

daniel: did you eat the baby.

louis: anyway heres this russian guy. im gonna drink his blood in front of you!