It's almost morning. and I can't stop thinking that if I had just made better choices once upon a time, I wouldn't be about to die. And this time it's not even from sadness, or a break up, or my mom fucking up, or my best friend ditching me, or anything to do with anyone else. I fucked up my life. To the point where I dont think I can change it. - Because I have no money. Because I have no job. Because I have no health insurance. Because I am not a grown up. Because I wasn't allowed to be a grown up. Because that meant her letting go of my life. Because that meant dealing with her own. So now, I have to scramble for insulin. try and get my friends to come to grips with the fact that im an asshole anyways, that they shouldnt miss me. because they can all do better. they all should do better. once im gone. because my mom can't even afford to keep me alive, I doubt there will be a funeral. I doubt my friends would take time out of their day to go if there was, because they all need money from their jobs more than they need to cry in front of a bunch of strangers that wont miss me for too long.
The only person I ever cared about that died, was my grand father, while i was about 8. People have left me by choice so much though, it hurts almost as bad. There is just so much bulshit I wanna do before I die. And the fact that I dont get any say in the manor, and it's because im pathetic and weak and sick. I fucking hate it. I dont fucking wanna go out like this you guys. And i would like to pretend that someone somewhere is gonna read this and be really sad for my life, but there probably wont be. and it sucks.