One year recap
You would be so damn proud of Steven, Grammy. He worked so hard and he is doing so well at boot with all his new ranger friends kicking ass and never calling home enough. He still yells at the TV like you did. Still doesnt know how the dishwasher works… Thomas is taking time off from flipping burgers to sew clothes and make his dreams come true ha-ha. He’s as stubborn and crazy as always so please backhand him from where you are because he listens to nobody but you apparently. Mom got a promotion. She has been doing well and learning alot in a factory ironically enough, always reminding me of Lucy Ricardo . She has her own little family she’s nesting with and it’s hard for her without you. I know she never acted like it, but god damn did she love you and respect everything you did for her and her sister growing up. She still whines about the cooking, but she most assuredly got HER skills in the kitchen from you.
Jane has been weary. She went up to the house today to be alone with her memories I think. She has been working so hard as her way of working through it I think. She is so proud of her work and these playgrounds. But I feel like the job is wearing on her all the same. I see it in her eyes, this profound space she now has. When we talk about life over a glass of wine and pasta there is always this lonely tone we can’t help but get when we think about the people on our journey that aren’t adventuring forth with us… She lost so much of herself when you went.
I don’t know what to tell you about my life. I could tell you about Josh and the cars .I could tell you about slinging pizza and fighting every day just to be a girl who doesnt get noticed in the wrong way.. I could tell you about almost becoming aunt cake to Mars and the pregnancy scare that wasn’t so scary, or the godmother ive become to Ash and baby Rem, the crazy furry lil wookie… I could cry to you about that man finally breaking my heart. I could tell you about mom breaking my spirit. I could tell you about how close I came to seeing you again. How much this world changed for me without you holding my family together. How I don’t know what to do on holidays without knowing that I can come to your place for pie and listening to records and watching Dick Van dyke… How being with you last year changed everything about what I relate to and relay as important… I could tell you about how lost I feel. I could confess my abuse of alcohol to avoid feeling real in any sense of the word,just to avoid it all. I could tell you about the bar crawl cat calls and how mild attention from strangers is a thrill because the ones who don’t know me can’t hurt me… I can’t tell you how disappointed I got in myself. I can’t tell you how much I miss you and your guidance. I can’t tell you how much I love you because you’re probably not listening as much as rolling your eyes and hoping it gets to the good part of the movie. But I swear to you I am fighting harder to see the sunshine you walked on every damn day... . And I see you over that rainbow. Or your cat yells back. Or Steven agrees to put his phone down to listen to jazz on the streets with me. Or my sneeze scares the dog next door....
my smile is a bit brighter for you.
