#caryl meta

First off, season 9 was so much better than s8! As in: the story actually held my attention. I'm coming to this cold so I did not know that Andrew Lincoln was exiting, but I'm okay with it. I feel like they did everything with that character that they possibly could and the emotional beats were starting to get repetitive. That may be an unpopular opinion. When you have a leading man like Norman Reedus just waiting in the wings to take over tho, I think you're good. They did such a great job of his final ep, the scene with Shane probs being the best bit. I did wonder why we were getting so many happy Richonne scenes and, when disaster struck, I was like: oh that's why. Applying the same logic to the fair tho, I was like OMG WHY would you put on a FAIR, you dummies? That is just an invitation for trouble! Do they not know what genre they are inhabiting??

That was my major gripe with s9. Cos Rick had this super dramatic, metaphysically rich send-off. Maggie was coming into her own as a leader. Michonne had a surprise pregnancy and tragic backstory that had her acting contrary to her usual self and to Rick/Carl's wishes. Daryl was mentoring kids and being the dirtbag hero we all know and love. The new characters that came in were great. We got deaf representation. We got a female baddie. We got a new and v different antagonist. We got new landscapes and old-timey vibes. The bastards even managed to humanise Negan (and I HATE THEM FOR THAT). Even Tara (TARA!!!) was out-bad-assing Carol. The love square with Rosita was kinda weird but had it's moments. Meanwhile: Carol helped put on a fair. Carol helped host a movie night. HELPED. She wasn't even the main instigator. Her main role was just being a supportive wifey, a worried mommy. The Carol who took down a hoard of hungry cannibals at Terminus. The same Carol who single-handedly assassinated a gang of Saviors. TWICE. THAT Carol...got in some much-needed gardening. And if there is anything we got from the opening of s4, it's that gardening is a symbol for shutting out the reality of the dead and the threat they pose. Cos yeah, you gotta grow stuff. But you also gotta stay alert and alive if you wanna see it come to fruition. Anytime she actually used a weapon, I was like: oh, I'm surprised she still knows how to do that. Then when four of them were taken hostage at the end, I waited expectantly and Carol……did nothing. It was frustrating enough to binge. If I'd been watching in real time, I would have assumed that Carol was a different character, one that the show had all but retired.

The contrast between Carol's idyllic life and an increasingly ominous reality was most obvious in the ep where Daryl was dealing with Alpha while Carol was throwing whatever was left of her bad ass self behind her husband's dream of showing kids a movie. And hey, I am all for whimsy and art and preserving childhood innocence but jeez, they should've separated those two plotlines! And yes, I get that Carol's kingdom arc was supposed to be healing for her but, I gotta say, despite the sad circumstances, I was cheering when the Kingdom finally fell apart and she left it behind. Cos Carol is my fave. And my girl basically went on a yoga retreat for like 6+ years. SIX!?! YEEAAARRSS!?! Hey, I went thru my new age, toxic positivity phase too, girl. But as anyone with trauma knows, the world doesn't actually let you just stop and get off and heal and breathe deep into your fucking chakras. Not for any extended period of time. Whether it's capitalism or the zombie apocalypse, you just gotta keep going. You snatch moments in between living life and fighting to survive. You smell the roses, plant some seeds, sing a song, talk to a friend, take a deep breath. But then you pick yourself up and drag yourself onwards. Because you have no other choice but to. There may be moments here and there where you need to escape reality (wtf do you think we're all doing here on tumblr, talking about shows and ships???). Escapism is a very real trauma response but escaping into a marriage in which she is only partly present, only superficially loved? Escaping into a man who isn’t half as powerful as she is? I’ve already posted about Carol being a Shiva substitute, a caged tiger, a declawed warrior. That isn't what I want for this character. If it had lasted a season, maybe. But this journey of Carol's started back in s7 (4 arguably) AND spanned the time jump. And I straight-up hate it for her. Not just as a Caryler but as a viewer invested in a bad-ass female character of a certain age and with a complex psychology. I don't think Carol's whole kingdom arc is realistic for the world WE live in, let alone the world THEY live in. Reality always catches up with you eventually. 

Speaking of: what I do love is the circular structure of this season, how we start and end at the bridge and at the Sanctuary. The action sequence in the museum of Ezekiel falling thru the glass echoes the ice they have to cross to get home. The bridge symbolises Rick’s lost dream of community harmony and cooperation. In terms of Caryl’s trajectory, the location of the scenes above are the same, yet different. Same place but so much has changed. Not just the weather. Not just Carol’s hair. In the first scene Carol and Daryl, sit on solid concrete, a seemingly firm foundation. They have won. They are victors. They are creators of the new world order. In the next, everything solid has fallen away and nothing is left but bare scaffolding. Everything is up in the air. In the first scene, they're shot from above (expansive), in the second, from below (constrictive). In the first, Carol approaches Daryl, takes his cigarette but doesn’t share it. In the second, Daryl joins Carol, offers her his canteen but still, she refuses to share this second-hand kiss. In the first, they talk about the start of Carol’s marriage, the cracks and red flags already apparent. In the second, they talk about its inevitable disintegration. In the first, Carol has the fix for Daryl's discontent. In the second, Daryl attempts to fix the unfixable for Carol. In the first, it is Daryl who is not feeling his place at the Sanctuary, losing who he is in a role in which he doesn’t belong. In the second, Carol has lost her home at the Kingdom and herself in her Queen Carol mask (and hair). She confesses to Daryl that she feels like she’s losing herself again (though it seems to me more like she’s returning to herself).

The first scene ends with them cuddling and gazing up at the stars, eyes lit with hope for a brighter future despite some teething issues. In the second, they wear layers that constrict and protect them. They can’t see the way ahead, it’s a white, amorphous blank. Carol’s face is barely visible. Daryl’s head hangs forward, face partially hidden by his hair. In the years spent apart, what’s remained unexpressed or misunderstood has built up layers around and between them. There is love, but there is also resentment, hurt, defense, distance, complication. They are the same. But different. What doesn’t change is Daryl’s willingness to do whatever is best for Carol. If she wants him there, he’ll stay. If she wants him gone, he’ll go. If she can’t stand to see Lydia, he’ll make sure she never has to. If she wants to work on her marriage to Ezekiel, then he will give her the space to do so. This is in contrast to Ezekiel who speaks her needs for her, folds them into his own. When Ezekiel is reeling emotionally, he clings to his strong-willed wife. When Daryl is reeling emotionally, he sets her free, continuing to respect her needs, boundaries and autonomy. Even if they run counter to his own happiness.

In the scene prior, he tells Rick:

That "us" applies as much to him and Carol as it does to their community. That’s what Daryl wants. He wants what was. He wants their tight knit group back, yes. But he also wants him and Carol to be a unit again. Only she’s part of a different community now. She’s partnering up with someone else. Without this emotional anchor, he drifts between the communities, never really settling. Without it, he regresses for a while. When Carol visits him in the woods mid-season-ish, she tells him he needs to let go: of the past, of the people and communities they’ve loved and lost. Of Rick. Of her. He doesn’t try to convince her otherwise. At no point does he try to change her mind or pressure her into a direction that suits him. When the circular narrative of this season, FINALLY has Carol return to Alexandria with Daryl and Michonne (YAY!), she isn’t there out of obligation. She didn’t need to be pressured or guilted. She’s there because it’s where she belongs. Carol tells us and Ezekiel what she wants right at the beginning of the season:

So I made it thru the wasteland that was s8 and holy hell wasn't that boring as all fuck. Literally a whole season of machine guns shooting at metal and dramatic dudes rambling ad-fucking-nauseum, with the exact same beats repeated over and over again. I am SO glad Morgan and his fucking endless will-I-wont-I-kill internal battle is OVER (I was so mad at Jesus when he triggered it again I mean WTF dude???!!!). Couldn't enjoy Carol cos she looked like a policeman in the Kingdom uniform and was surrounded by insufferable men (minus Jerry). Couldn't enjoy Daryl cos his s8 foil was Tara (??!), who I'm sorry, I like her but she is not a strong enough actor to work as a convincing foil to Norman. Didn't buy her as a badass or their shared quest for revenge. (Has Daryl ever been the vengeful type...? I'm not sure that tracks. He responds mercilessly to direct threats in the moment but I'm not sure he's the type to go back for another whack after the fact). Regarding Caryl, I have passed my initial, elated omg-they-are-so-perfect era, and then my confused, frustrated wait-wtf-happened-where-are-they era. And now I'm in my this-is-making-me-sad-now, why-Carol-WHHHYYY era. Initially, yes, I was onboard with her heading off on her own and into isolation. That totally tracks with the wound Rick inflicted on her back in s4 when he shunned her for being a liability, a threat, as well as with a bunch of different trauma responses. You could even call it a dissociative fugue, that initial instinct to retreat and lick her wounds. But dissociation is something that happens TO YOU, not something you choose. Dissociation is a short-term coping response, not a sustainable state of being. Yet 2 seasons later, Carol is actively choosing to live in a dream reality that she KNOWS isn't true. For me, that doesn't ring true to what we know of her. Carol is a realist, not an idealist. Her brutally relaying to small children the horrific realities of the world they live in? THAT is Carol. She tells them as a kindness. Because she thinks they have a right to know and she wants them to survive. One way or another. She wants to prepare them the way she didn't prepare Sophia. I enjoyed her initial interactions with Ezekiel, him recognising the mask she was putting on. But where his mask comes from amateur theatrics, hers came from actual, life-altering, heart-shattering trauma. They are NOT the same. And this little flight of fancy is lasting wwaaaayyy too long for me now. I can't imagine watching this is real time. Jfc, must have been absolutely interminable for Caryl shippers at the time. How did y'all cope? The other night I googled "when does King Ezekiel die?" cos I can't wait to get rid of this verbose mf. No such luck unfortch. But maybe it's better if Carol willingly falls out of love with him/out from under his spell than that she lose and mourn him...? Because yes, he is a hunk. And yes, he is a good dad. But if that's what she wants then so is Daryl, we established that back in s2 (his fitness as a father, not his hunkiness, his hunkiness was self-evident from the get). It was even repeated at the top of this season with Daryl being asked about being a dad and then a blatant cut to Henry! So why is she choosing the dude who fakes it and not the dude who keeps it as real as it gets?

The only thing I can think of is that when Carol looks at Daryl she sees herself and everything she is trying to avoid. She sees trauma. She sees pain. She sees loss. They have always kept it uber real with each other (except when it comes to being total simps for e/o). They have always been almost complete mirrors of each other, worst bits included. And maybe she'd rather look at a mask of a (non)person than see herself (im)perfectly reflected in Daryl's all-knowing eyes? Cos this juxtaposition of the realist/idealist is at the heart of the show, fundamental to it's themes, right? When disaster strikes, who are we gonna be, the best or worst of ourselves, individually and collectively? When a power vacuum occurs, who steps up and how do they decide to wield this newfound authority? Neither Carol nor Daryl has ever entirely taken on a leadership role, but they have had to chose sides in the realist/idealist battle and, for the most part, they choose realist, not idealist. I think they would like to be idealists, they want to believe the best of people and in the possibility of a better world, but life has beaten any such inclination out of them, even before the zombie apocalypse. Which is why they don't lead (we don't see either of them actually lead the Saviors...?), they serve. They are realists in service to idealists.

This is why Carol got in hot water with Rick in s4. Her realism overrode his idealism (while he was completely checked out from reality). And we all know who was proved right in the end. Time and again, this battle wages and sure, sometimes the underdog snatches a victory from the jaws of death. But those wins are rare and don't last long before realism inevitably kicks idealism's ass. Yet here we are again, with Daryl as Rick's 2IC and Carol as 2IC to King Ezekiel, both serving their romantic visions of the future. After the death of Shiva, you could say that Carol becomes Shiva's substitute. I already wrote a post here about how the visual storytelling of s7 compares Shiva to Carol, a caged tiger who has deliberately withdrawn her claws in order to protect loved ones. In one of their first interactions, Ezekiel talks about rescuing Shiva and he says that after that, she never hurt him, she devoted herself to him. This story is reflected in how Carol initially swipes at KE, warning him off, but warms to him after he "rescues" her from her wounded isolation. In gratitude, Carol takes up residence at his side, becoming a symbol of KE's might and power. He himself is a mere figurehead. A straw man whose mystique comes from a far finer, far more powerful creature. When that creature dies, he totally disintegrates. He is revealed to be the Wizard behind the curtain. Nothing more than smoke and mirrors, with no roar or power or beauty of his own. That's where I figured that storyline was headed the whole time, and it would have been a fitting conclusion to the Kingdom arc. Idealism - 0 , Realism - 1. Ultimately, myths can only get you so far. Shiva's death, which emphasised KE's true powerlessness, would've been a great symbol of the death of fairytale, of nobility, of worldly beauty. Or at least its long-term unsustainability. But instead, for reasons passing understanding, Carol comes along and takes Shiva's place. She props him up, talks him up, buys into the unreality and provides all the strength and cunning the Kingdom needs to sustain them through the ensuing battle. (At first, I thought this was a tactic, but now she seems to have bought in for reals).

So yeah, I get why he loves her. I get what he gets out of the relationship. She enables him to hold onto his kingdom, his dignity, his (un)reality. She makes him something he isn't, she makes him better, magical, competent, mighty. Even when he's actually none of those things. Even when everything he pretends to be actually comes from her. She builds him up in front of his son and community. But...what about her? I don't love that use of Carol, either within the show or within the relationship. Reducing her to the role of an animal? A symbol? An enslaved, devoted accessory? A useful source of power for a man who has to fake his heroism, fashion pretty speeches expounding his love for her? No, it isn't as dehumanising and destructive as her marriage to Ed, but that's a low bar. She's not being abused in her Kingdom cage. Just used. And there's still a dehumanising element in that she is used for her labour (as a mother, as a fighter), her brightness dulled in the service of a weak, puffed-up man. Ezekiel isn't dangerous, his propagandic and strategic use of Carol is self-serving but not malicious. His motivations are good, he's thinking of his community, even if he isn't thinking of her. Although he probably thinks he is. He probably thinks he's glimpsed behind the mask. He probably thinks he knows her, completely, knows what she wants. But again, her mask is more than just an illusion. With Carol, you can never be quite sure when the pretending ends (I say she was still pretending with Tobin, even on his deathbed). Are we supposed to think that she's disappeared so far into her mask that it isn't just a convenient act anymore? Are we supposed to think that Carol doesn't clock her slight suppression under Ezekiel because it isn't as obvious as the full oppression she experienced under Ed?

Personally, I'm not sure I buy the idea that Carol can't tell the difference between a real man of honour and a fake one. Because that's one of her super powers. Daryl's too. One of the few gifts of trauma is that you learn to read people. Ingrained hypervigilance means you're always on the look out for the next blow, the incoming threat. That way, you can anticipate it, avoid it, stay safe. That's why she was able to see Merle for exactly what he was and Daryl for what he wasn't. Everyone else looked at Daryl and saw a threat. A dangerous dirtbag, not a diamond in the rough. Not Carol. She saw a kindred spirit. So if she can see Daryl, Merle and everyone else so clearly then why the blindspot when it comes to Ezekiel? As their first encounters demonstrated, she is not one to be fooled by rhetorical flourish and theatrical pageantry. What works on Carol is authenticity. What a man does, not what he says. Whether a man is defined by a strong moral code, not whether he harks back to a long dead historical era in which men supposedly were.

The shoulder massage

Carol is uncomfortable, her shoulder hurts, and without thought Daryl simply offers to massage it for her. He’s so distracted by the ease the two now have with each other that he only notices the intimacy boundary he just crossed when Carol intensely looks back at him and smiles. “Pretty romantic,” she comments. Yes. Yes, it is. Daryl did that. He becomes aware of exactly what he is doing and what it could mean, but since he’s not ready for any of that, he backtracks. Carol’s teasing jokes aren’t unwelcome but he really doesn’t know how to respond beyond the cute, smiling “STAHP.”

The sanctuary hug

As soon as he realizes it’s Carol approaching the group, Daryl completely forgets himself, everybody else around them and runs to literally sweep her off her feet. This is the first time Daryl actively seeks physical contact on a deeper level with another human being on the show. It’s a huge turning point. Do I need to say more?

The protective/chivalrous act

Daryl always acts as a protector of those who need the most, but he subtly and unconsciously acts extremely protective of Carol even knowing she is damn capable of protecting herself. Daryl will have Carol’s back on every occasion and physically stand between her and potential danger, like when they first encountered Father Gabriel or when Noah put her in danger. He will offer her food/water, make sure she is sleeping and she is ok. He may act like a crude rude redneck around anyone else (pissing in the corner, manhandling people, beastly chugging spaghetti), but not around Carol. There’s so many examples of Daryl continuously doing the apocalypse equivalent of opening the door for her. Daryl’s chivalry is reserved for Carol. She may know him better than anyone else, but he really wants her to see the best version of himself.

The water jugs (part II of the chivalrous act)

Yep, Daryl’s got no game whatsoever, but he did try to be smooth, showing Carol that the redneck can be a real gentleman, and that’s progress. Even though, Daryl is already carrying as many water jugs as one can safely carry, he offers to take one of Carol’s too. There’s no logic to this gesture that ends with Daryl facepalming in embarrassment when he lets one of his jugs fall out of his hand to land at Carol’s feet. Carol’s face is priceless. He gets a teasing smile and probably should take that as a win considering her state of mind in that moment.

The food tray with flower (part III of the chivalrous act)

Something as simple as leaving someone a tray of food with a flower would have been a perfectly casual act. But we’re talking about Merle Dixon’s brother, the one who considered himself a nobody before the world went to shit. Daryl, the guy who eats raw squirrel/possum with his bare hands, took the time to pick a flower to decorate the tray of food he carefully left at Carol’s door. Is there anything more romantic in the middle of the damn apocalypse ffs? I still can’t believe we were robbed of watching Carol’s expression when she realized he had done that for her right before she’d tease him about it. But Carol wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind to voice her appreciation for these small grand gestures.

The compliments/teasing

When Carol needs an ego boost, Daryl is there to remind her she’s a good shot, she saved them all at Terminus, and she’s got a whole lot more to offer, but her place is with them/the group. She is needed. He has been slowly learning to tease/flirt with Carol through the years. Daryl, too pragmatic for the frivolous things of the past, lets Carol know she looks good in pink. He’s also quick to let her know her soccer mom style is so not her. “You look ridiculous.” Recently, they have crossed into teen love territory with their competitive flirty games of kill the walker or hit the can, while relentlessly taunting each other. This new playfulness between them resulted in an exchange of gifts- the friendship bracelet and lucky acorns, - they obviously both cherish.

The unconditional support

There’s absolutely nothing Daryl won’t do for Carol - from babysitting her kid to letting her know he could and would never hate her no matter what. Daryl will defend Carol against Rick, Tyreese, Gabriel, Magna, and whoever else. If that wasn’t enough, he was also there for her, holding her during the two worst moments of her life - losing both of her kids, Sophia and Henry. And he continues to stay by her side through anything and everything, even when she’s on a reckless revenge mission. “I’m the one you tell. Me.” Daryl wants to help her, but Carol is not able to open up to him and yet it does not stop him. “I wanna be there for you.” After Carol crossed every line and pushed all of his limits and you think he’s had enough, Daryl is still reassuring her everything is gonna be alright. “You still got me.” This is LOVE, not platonic love, it’s the ‘you are under my skin’ type of love that is forever.

The need to comfort

The skittish Daryl, who was afraid of any and all human contact when we first met him, is now completely gone. He’s grown so much and he’s finally in a position to provide emotional comfort and to express it through physical contact. He has done this with Judith and Connie too, but Daryl’s weakness (and strength) is Carol and her emotional well being is his priority. The best way he found to express this is to hug her whenever he feels like she needs it the most - from finding her at the savior’s compound, checking up on her at the creepy house in the woods, trying to bring her back to think about the future they can still have, to reassuring her he’ll always be there for her. Daryl is no longer shy about pulling her in for a big full body hug, and sometimes I wonder if he’s not doing it for his own sake too. I mean who can ever resist a teary eyed Carol!?!

The desire to spend time together

The season is challenging their bond, putting it under a microscope and picking at it from every angle, it’s breaking them apart and the point has to be to rebuild, stronger than ever. Things can’t go back to the way they were before because then it would all be for naught. They can’t stay broken apart because it just doesn’t make sense (and, from a more commercial pov, they couldn’t do that to the two main & most beloved characters who also happen to be the only OGs left and the heart of the show). There has to be progression, and forward. And the only step left in their relationship is becoming more romantic. They’re soulmates in every sense, even AK said so. It makes sense, the chemistry is there, has been from the very beginning, and they have one of the best bonds I’ve ever seen in modern media - I just love pairings where they both know each other so well that the other is basically an extension of themselves. The show kept Daryl single for ten years and Carol’s clearly never been fulfilled in any of her relationships because she never allowed herself to actually be herself (her true, unfiltered self) with any of them, only with Daryl, but that’s a whole other essay. That can’t be a coincidence. Then there’s C*nnie. Adding a third element to the equation and creating a love triangle is a way to direct the audience’s attention to the subject and to get people talking about it, even fighting among themselves. Not to say that that is C*nnie’s whole purpose, because it isn’t. She’s a wonderful character on her own, but there’s no denying that they’re going for the love triangle. 

Every scene with Daryl and Carol has been charged with a tension that is palpable across the globe, and every scene left me with the impression that there is something unspoken they are both desperate to let out but extremely scared to do so. It’s all in the looks, the breathing, the flirty awkwardness in their interactions like some damn teenagers. That can’t be unintentional on their part. Not to mention the blatant love declarations said out loud, especially when it comes to Daryl because oh boy.

On the other hand, I’ve been around long enough to know that just because it’s logical from a narrative pov, that doesn’t mean it will actually happen, and it’s the most infuriating thing in the world. I binge-watched this show in about a week (please don’t judge, quarantine was hitting hard at the start) so I didn’t go through 10 years of this as many of the fans have and honestly, thank god for that, it’s HARD (the B*th thing, T*bin, Ez*kiel, GOD). But watching it all at once made me realize that one of the show’s weaknesses is romance - almost every relationship was lackluster imo, except Glenn and Maggie. Most of the time I felt like random characters got together just because, with no actual build-up beforehand. Even with Rick and Michonne, even though I absolutely loved them later on and they did have nice build-up, the transition from Jessie to Michonne in 0.2 seconds almost gave me whiplash. So, in light of the show’s track record, I would say Daryl and C*nnie isn’t out of the realm of possibilities, sadly, even if not very likely. (I really enjoy their friendship, I just don’t think they should be a couple). But I also know that they have to be aware that they’ve got gold with Daryl and Carol, and if they want to make them canon, they will milk it until the last possible millisecond. 

So I'm just trying to balance all these thoughts because they’ve quickly become one of my three main ships (together with Jaime/Brienne and Crowley/Aziraphale) and I can see so many parallels between all of them, it gives me hope. I want to enjoy it because I know this is one of the most beautiful slow burns ever written for tv, but at the same time I’m trying to keep my expectations low. I’m both looking forward to and dreading the finale tbh.

Either way, I’ll always ship the shit out of these two and I’m ready to completely ignore canon if I have to. It’s not the first time (looking at you got s8) and it might not be the last.

[I don’t mean to stress anyone out, and I apologize in advance if this makes you uncomfortable, I just needed to take it out of my brain and write it out to keep myself sane]