#carnivent

God I just want to fucking jump off the nearest high rise. My health is failing, my house is falling apart, the people I live with are fucking animals, can’t bring myself to even talk to my friends anymore, and nothing makes me happy. Nothing is getting better no matter how much time I give it.

I can barely function at this point. For 3 months I was doing great. Eating good, exercising, cleaning, studying, being an overall functioning person. But now I’ve been getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, I have to pee every 5 fucking minutes, headaches every day, no energy whatsoever, paranoid every waking moment and also very fun are the hallucinations and nightmares I’ve been having. I’m proud of myself if I even get out of bed these days. Everything hurts and everything’s miserable. I’ve gained back almost 10 pounds in a month and a half and I’m about to start starving myself to stop it.

No matter how much of a dent I put working in to this fucking house it just gets worse every time I make it better. I scrub a fucking whole ass kitchen on my hands and knees to the point of bruising them and going to bed in pain from literally barely exerting myself, just for it to be two times worse 6 hours later. Our AC keeps breaking, our water’s been out for a week and I feel like a mud sausage, and people keep putting holes in walls and breaking furniture.

My mothers still a fucking alcoholic, and it’s gotten worse. She literally drinks a 6 pack or more a day now. She gets up at 11am / 12pm and starts drinking by 1. She’s like a broken record when she’s drunk, can’t hold a conversation, and a hazard to herself and others. She drives drunk all the time as well. One of my brothers started stealing her smokes and now he’s smoking too and of all places he has to do it in my one spot where I’m safe from everyone else. He also always starts useless shit with her when she’s drunk and she cries and screams for hours when that happens. I have to play middleman, mediator, and therapist to both my parents. My dad is right about everything he says, but it just takes such a fucking toll on me.

I love my friends to death, and they’re absolutely not to blame for any of this. All of it is me, and even though half of the situation is out of my control I still put all the blame on myself. I have almost no means to actually interact with them outside of messages anymore and it makes me fucking miserable. Not only that, for some fucking reason I’m hypercritical of everything I do and say now and if I can’t phrase something right on the spot I just don’t reply. Yet again I’m driving everyone I give a fuck about away and I can’t bring myself to stop it. I can’t think of a way to say anything without making things worse. God I’m fucking sorry I can’t do better. I started this year off promising I’d do better to them and this is the worst fucking year so far in regards to that. Another things is, I don’t want to mention any of this to them. I don’t want to drag anyone down with my problems anymore, but these days that’s really all I have to talk about and I just don’t want to do that to them. I don’t want to ruin everyone’s mood and become the person that’s just depressing to talk to. It’s probably already happened though.