#cardds

“Oh God,” Bella yelped, before descending into peels of laughter. 

Sonny put his mug down and hurried out to the back door to see what was going on. Last he checked, Mike had been out back with the kids. Not just Mia and Gabby, his cousins had brought their kids as well. They were playing some intricate game with rules Sonny couldn’t comprehend while the rest of the adults sat inside around the fireplace. 

One glance at Mike proved he’d made the right call. He loved him enough to try and stifle his laughter, but Mike looked like a disgruntled Pomeranian. The game must’ve turned into a snowball fight because he was covered with snow. It was in his hair, all over his face, clinging to the wool coat that Sonny warned him was a bad idea. 

“They ganged up on me,” he said, using his gloves to try and brush it off. All he did was move it around and knock a few flakes down the back of his shirt.

Being a kind boyfriend, Sonny slid his feet into his boots, grabbed a towel, and graciously stepped out on the porch to help him. “Twelve against one, sounds like an action movie.”

“Two against twelve would’ve been better.”

He took a cautious step back, “What do you mean?”

Mike took hold of the towel, and reeled Sonny in. “I shouted for you,” he had a twinkle in his eye that usually meant trouble, “I needed you, and you weren’t here. You abandoned me.” One of his gloved hands moved from the towel to Sonny’s wrist.

“Oh no, you don’t get to put this on me,” he tried to pull free, but Mike had a tight grip, “Don’t you dare! This is a nice sweater and we have a long drive home.”

“What are you talking about? I’m just happy I made it back to you.” 

Soaked arms wrapped around Sonny, pulling him into the coldest hug he’d ever experienced. Mike tucked his face, and buried his nose in Sonny’s collar bone. The ice and snow easily made its way through his sweater and jeans, ruining the normally comfortable position and zapping away all the heat he’d retained from being inside.

“You ass!” he shouted, wiggling in an attempt to free his arms and push Mike away from him, “You’re making us both freezing!”

“Nope, I’m pretty sure I feel warmer already,” Mike thankfully picked up his head, fixing Sonny with one of his dopey grins. He was so proud of himself for this little stunt, probably spent the whole snowball fight planning it out, writing the dialogue. 

Sonny wanted to make him stew for a moment in some sort of passive-aggressive retaliation. He was shivering and damp and not happy with him, but that smile was like kryptonite. “Alright, I give up. I’m sorry for abandoning you. Now, let me go so I can get you some warm apple cider.”

Mike held him just long enough for a quick peck on the cheek, before mercifully releasing him. “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, love you too.” He shook himself out, and left Mike on the deck, grateful to return to the heated indoors. 

His mother was waiting for him, having already refilled Sonny’s mug and prepared a new one for Mike. “I like this boy of yours, Dominick,” She gave him a wink, pointedly looking out the back door.

Mike, sans his waterlogged coat, was crouched down, helping Gabby get out of her snowsuit. She was chattering away about something as he nodded along, seeming as engaged as he would be if he was talking to Sonny about this new documentary he saw. 

Its metal, so Sonny knows it should feel cool to the touch, but instead, it sears a ring into his skin, pressed against his forehead, white hot. He parts his lips, body trembling, trying to figure out what exactly is the right thing to say in this situation. He doesn’t know, because a part of him wants to beg for his life, beg for absolution, and it’s fitting that he’s already on his knees, and the white hot sear marks the Father in the sign of the cross.

But he doesn’t beg for his life, doesn’t say anything, maybe because there’s a part of him that isn’t sure he wants to live anymore, part of him that feels like he’s already on borrowed time, that he was supposed to die years ago, in a situation so similar to this. But Mike had taken his place instead, volunteered, consciously or not.

The pressure against his forehead doesn’t feel like metal anymore, it feels like skin, like a single fingertip pressed against his forehead, tracing down his cheek, catching under his chin. Sonny lifts his head, ever so slightly, and there’s no gun in his line of sight, no perpetrator ready to end him. There’s just Mike, a look of soft affection on his face, a soothing sort of sympathy.

“Sonny,” he whispers softly, and Sonny can’t believe his ears, but the familiarity blossoms in his stomach, a blooming warmth that drifts through his veins. “Why were you so careless?” Mike whispers gently, his tone laced with the sort of concern that has Sonny doubting every action he’s taken up until this moment, but he doesn’t have the answer, not the right one.

“I miss you,” Sonny chokes out, the sob still trapped in his throat, eyes welling. “It was supposed to be me then, I shouldn’t have let you go.”

Mike’s thumb traces Sonny’s chin, over his bottom lip, and he cocks his head, a soft sigh through parted lips. “It wasn’t your fault,” he offers with tender reassurance. “Remember that you were loved by me and you made my life a happy one.”

Sonny watched Alice’s name flash up on Mike’s phone, and jealousy swirled in his stomach, making his skin crawl. Mike didn’t even look at him as he accepted the call, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, back to Sonny.

“Hey, honey,” he cooed, and Sonny’s chest tightened a little.

Unable to listen to another word, unable to watch Mike pretend they hadn’t just woken up together, limbs tangled, after making love the night before—and it was making love, at least to Sonny—he got up, grabbing a change of clothes without really looking, and headed to the bathroom.

Under the scalding water, he let himself feel away from prying eyes. He let the ache he’d been carrying around inside of him since this thing with Mike began fully form, and he was sure it tore his heart in two.

On the surface, he knew Mike cared about him, perhaps even loved him. He’d certainly told him enough times, though Sonny could never bring himself to say it back for fear of laying his heart bare when it would surely be trampled on. But he did love Mike. He was sure of it, could feel it running through his veins, cocooning his heart. He could feel it suffocating him every time Alice was mentioned, every time he heard of how much Mike loved her, whether it be from the man’s own lips or his father’s.

He couldn’t imagine a world in which Alice could possibly love Mike more than he did. How could she, if she wasn’t here, with him? How could she if it was Sonny who was there instead, guiding Mike through the complexities of SVU that he, too, was only fresh on the other side of. How could she when it was Sonny who held him at night while he whispered about how strong Sonny was to do what he did while Mike himself felt like he was drowning under the victim’s pain.

But he knew that wasn’t fair. He knew Alice hadn’t done anything wrong other than get in before Sonny, without even knowing he was a possibility.

He longed to give Mike an ultimatum, longed to make Mike choose, but he was terrified that, if forced, Mike wouldn’t choose him. Mike would choose Alice. In fact, he was almost certain of it.

And if, after everything, he still couldn’t be what Mike wanted, what Mike needed, then perhaps it was time to call it quits.

A sob slipped past his lips, muffled by his hand as he tried to pull himself together. Every piece of him hurt, knowing he should let Mike go. But, if he truly thought about it, being the other person, being the affair in someone else’s relationship hurt, too. More than that, it made him dread Church, his only sanctuary from the darkness in the world, the guilt too much to bear, the confessional looming, judging him for not being sorry enough to truly repent. However things went, he lost, and he cursed himself for ever having allowed himself to give in to temptation.

Dragging himself from the shower, he took a deep, calming breath, sweeping his wet hair to the side as he looked at his reflection. Tired, pale, and sad.

Still, he plastered a smile on as he left the bathroom, heading back to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry,” Mike said instantly, sitting up a little straighter.

“Why?” He sighed, forcing himself to let go of the tension he was holding in his shoulders, forcing his next words to be softer. “She’s your fiancée.”

Something in Mike’s expression twisted, eyes dulling as his lips pulled downward. “I love you.”

His heart swelled in a way that was painful, tearing at the seams, and he felt tears sting his eyes. “But not as much as her.”

Mike licked his lips, likely trying to find the right words. When none came, he reached out for Sonny, and like the coward he was, Sonny went to him, curled up against his side, head resting on Mike’s shoulder.

“Would it mean anything if I told you how sorry I am?”

Sonny shook his head, pressing a chaste kiss to Mike’s shoulder. “I just want you to be happy,” he said, surprised by how much he meant it. “Even if it’s not with me. You deserve it.”

Law & Order: Spooky Victims Unit

For a few seconds he wonders why he feels funny, why something feels wrong, and then he remembers.