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i like that musical featuring andy karl, and also i like dorisi very much
âI needed you and you werenât here.â With dorisi please
âOh God,â Bella yelped, before descending into peels of laughter.Â
Sonny put his mug down and hurried out to the back door to see what was going on. Last he checked, Mike had been out back with the kids. Not just Mia and Gabby, his cousins had brought their kids as well. They were playing some intricate game with rules Sonny couldnât comprehend while the rest of the adults sat inside around the fireplace.Â
One glance at Mike proved heâd made the right call. He loved him enough to try and stifle his laughter, but Mike looked like a disgruntled Pomeranian. The game mustâve turned into a snowball fight because he was covered with snow. It was in his hair, all over his face, clinging to the wool coat that Sonny warned him was a bad idea.Â
âThey ganged up on me,â he said, using his gloves to try and brush it off. All he did was move it around and knock a few flakes down the back of his shirt.
Being a kind boyfriend, Sonny slid his feet into his boots, grabbed a towel, and graciously stepped out on the porch to help him. âTwelve against one, sounds like an action movie.â
âTwo against twelve wouldâve been better.â
He took a cautious step back, âWhat do you mean?â
Mike took hold of the towel, and reeled Sonny in. âI shouted for you,â he had a twinkle in his eye that usually meant trouble, âI needed you, and you werenât here. You abandoned me.â One of his gloved hands moved from the towel to Sonnyâs wrist.
âOh no, you donât get to put this on me,â he tried to pull free, but Mike had a tight grip, âDonât you dare! This is a nice sweater and we have a long drive home.â
âWhat are you talking about? Iâm just happy I made it back to you.âÂ
Soaked arms wrapped around Sonny, pulling him into the coldest hug heâd ever experienced. Mike tucked his face, and buried his nose in Sonnyâs collar bone. The ice and snow easily made its way through his sweater and jeans, ruining the normally comfortable position and zapping away all the heat heâd retained from being inside.
âYou ass!â he shouted, wiggling in an attempt to free his arms and push Mike away from him, âYouâre making us both freezing!â
âNope, Iâm pretty sure I feel warmer already,â Mike thankfully picked up his head, fixing Sonny with one of his dopey grins. He was so proud of himself for this little stunt, probably spent the whole snowball fight planning it out, writing the dialogue.Â
Sonny wanted to make him stew for a moment in some sort of passive-aggressive retaliation. He was shivering and damp and not happy with him, but that smile was like kryptonite. âAlright, I give up. Iâm sorry for abandoning you. Now, let me go so I can get you some warm apple cider.â
Mike held him just long enough for a quick peck on the cheek, before mercifully releasing him. âI love you.â
âYeah, yeah, love you too.â He shook himself out, and left Mike on the deck, grateful to return to the heated indoors.Â
His mother was waiting for him, having already refilled Sonnyâs mug and prepared a new one for Mike. âI like this boy of yours, Dominick,â She gave him a wink, pointedly looking out the back door.
Mike, sans his waterlogged coat, was crouched down, helping Gabby get out of her snowsuit. She was chattering away about something as he nodded along, seeming as engaged as he would be if he was talking to Sonny about this new documentary he saw.Â
âYeah,â he agreed, turning back to her, âI like him too.â
âRemember that you were loved by me and you made my life a happy one.â - Dorisi
Its metal, so Sonny knows it should feel cool to the touch, but instead, it sears a ring into his skin, pressed against his forehead, white hot. He parts his lips, body trembling, trying to figure out what exactly is the right thing to say in this situation. He doesnât know, because a part of him wants to beg for his life, beg for absolution, and itâs fitting that heâs already on his knees, and the white hot sear marks the Father in the sign of the cross.
But he doesnât beg for his life, doesnât say anything, maybe because thereâs a part of him that isnât sure he wants to live anymore, part of him that feels like heâs already on borrowed time, that he was supposed to die years ago, in a situation so similar to this. But Mike had taken his place instead, volunteered, consciously or not.
The pressure against his forehead doesnât feel like metal anymore, it feels like skin, like a single fingertip pressed against his forehead, tracing down his cheek, catching under his chin. Sonny lifts his head, ever so slightly, and thereâs no gun in his line of sight, no perpetrator ready to end him. Thereâs just Mike, a look of soft affection on his face, a soothing sort of sympathy.
âSonny,â he whispers softly, and Sonny canât believe his ears, but the familiarity blossoms in his stomach, a blooming warmth that drifts through his veins. âWhy were you so careless?â Mike whispers gently, his tone laced with the sort of concern that has Sonny doubting every action heâs taken up until this moment, but he doesnât have the answer, not the right one.
âI miss you,â Sonny chokes out, the sob still trapped in his throat, eyes welling. âIt was supposed to be me then, I shouldnât have let you go.â
Mikeâs thumb traces Sonnyâs chin, over his bottom lip, and he cocks his head, a soft sigh through parted lips. âIt wasnât your fault,â he offers with tender reassurance. âRemember that you were loved by me and you made my life a happy one.â
The explosive sound of the gun shot has Sonny flinching away, eyes screwed shut and terrified to open them. Heâs alive, heâs sure of that much, can feel the hot, sticky drip of blood against his skin, but no pain to go with it. And when he opens his eyes, Mikeâs gone from him again. He reaches up, slowly, fingertips brushing over his forehead. He can still feel the delicate sensation, like someone other than himself still has their fingertip pressed against his skin, and he doesnât say it, but he means it. âI will.â
âI just want you to be happy. Even if itâs not with me.â Cardds
Sonny watched Aliceâs name flash up on Mikeâs phone, and jealousy swirled in his stomach, making his skin crawl. Mike didnât even look at him as he accepted the call, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, back to Sonny.
âHey, honey,â he cooed, and Sonnyâs chest tightened a little.
Unable to listen to another word, unable to watch Mike pretend they hadnât just woken up together, limbs tangled, after making love the night beforeâand it was making love, at least to Sonnyâhe got up, grabbing a change of clothes without really looking, and headed to the bathroom.
Under the scalding water, he let himself feel away from prying eyes. He let the ache heâd been carrying around inside of him since this thing with Mike began fully form, and he was sure it tore his heart in two.
On the surface, he knew Mike cared about him, perhaps even loved him. Heâd certainly told him enough times, though Sonny could never bring himself to say it back for fear of laying his heart bare when it would surely be trampled on. But he did love Mike. He was sure of it, could feel it running through his veins, cocooning his heart. He could feel it suffocating him every time Alice was mentioned, every time he heard of how much Mike loved her, whether it be from the manâs own lips or his fatherâs.
He couldnât imagine a world in which Alice could possibly love Mike more than he did. How could she, if she wasnât here, with him? How could she if it was Sonny who was there instead, guiding Mike through the complexities of SVU that he, too, was only fresh on the other side of. How could she when it was Sonny who held him at night while he whispered about how strong Sonny was to do what he did while Mike himself felt like he was drowning under the victimâs pain.
But he knew that wasnât fair. He knew Alice hadnât done anything wrong other than get in before Sonny, without even knowing he was a possibility.
He longed to give Mike an ultimatum, longed to make Mike choose, but he was terrified that, if forced, Mike wouldnât choose him. Mike would choose Alice. In fact, he was almost certain of it.
And if, after everything, he still couldnât be what Mike wanted, what Mike needed, then perhaps it was time to call it quits.
A sob slipped past his lips, muffled by his hand as he tried to pull himself together. Every piece of him hurt, knowing he should let Mike go. But, if he truly thought about it, being the other person, being the affair in someone elseâs relationship hurt, too. More than that, it made him dread Church, his only sanctuary from the darkness in the world, the guilt too much to bear, the confessional looming, judging him for not being sorry enough to truly repent. However things went, he lost, and he cursed himself for ever having allowed himself to give in to temptation.
Dragging himself from the shower, he took a deep, calming breath, sweeping his wet hair to the side as he looked at his reflection. Tired, pale, and sad.
Still, he plastered a smile on as he left the bathroom, heading back to the bedroom.
âIâm sorry,â Mike said instantly, sitting up a little straighter.
âWhy?â He sighed, forcing himself to let go of the tension he was holding in his shoulders, forcing his next words to be softer. âSheâs your fiancĂ©e.â
Something in Mikeâs expression twisted, eyes dulling as his lips pulled downward. âI love you.â
His heart swelled in a way that was painful, tearing at the seams, and he felt tears sting his eyes. âBut not as much as her.â
Mike licked his lips, likely trying to find the right words. When none came, he reached out for Sonny, and like the coward he was, Sonny went to him, curled up against his side, head resting on Mikeâs shoulder.
âWould it mean anything if I told you how sorry I am?â
Sonny shook his head, pressing a chaste kiss to Mikeâs shoulder. âI just want you to be happy,â he said, surprised by how much he meant it. âEven if itâs not with me. You deserve it.â
Mike didnât respond to that, and Sonny was grateful. He could be held a little longer, pretend he wasnât walking away, just for a little bit longer.

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Law & Order: Spooky Victims Unit
Halloween icons, Doddisi edition! Feel free to use!
For a few seconds he wonders why he feels funny, why something feels wrong, and then he remembers.
Context by @dorisi-my-dear
Dorisi (Mike/Sonny) + grey/purple for @barisi-is-bae