Day 3: Capture Your Grief Project: What it felt like. On June 16, 2016 I walked into the doctor's office for what I thought was going to be a reassuring check up. I had a few spotting incidents that morning but was convinced that I was overreacting. When the exam was happening my doctor asked his assistant "do you see that?" I sat there waiting to be told what "that" was. He finished and sat up and told me the news. My water bag was breaching and I was dilated due to a weakened cervix. As plain as the day he said I was going to lose the baby. I sat there shocked. My heart started pounding in my chest. I could feel the adrenalin start coursing in my veins which caused my hands to shake. I went numb. What it feels like to be told that your baby is perfect but that you are not strong enough to carry him to full term is like the biggest sense of failure that isn't even imaginable. I involuntarily cried. All I could do was tell him I was sorry. I was guilt stricken. The hours that came next were filled with nothing but sadness. The world I was imaging to come in the next 4 months were ripped away from me to soon. The unknown would become my new normalcy. I would never know Avery on this Earth. The universe of emotions that happens during the loss of a baby does not know limits. It selfishly hits you with everything…often at the same time. That is just the start of what it feel like, unfortunately. Today I am very sad. My heart is heavy and I feel very alone. I know I have people who care, but I also know I have people that just want me to move on. I am torn between grief and the expectations set by others that want things to be better for me. This is a very personal jouney and despite it all, I keep in mind that I have to be gentle with myself. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyou #captureyourgrief2016 #angel #angelmom #angelbabies #averysmomsjourney
