Ā āThese rules are insane! Are you working for the crypt keeper?ā Bella gawked at the little black book flipping through the pages. āYou could be working for an OCD condition type of boss and thatās never a good thing! Remember Rebecca from 6thĀ grade? She worked at the grocery store register and she had a boss who always had an OCD thing and she said he was crazy! He went to prison because one of his employees faced the jar labels the wrong way and he beat their ass. They caught everything on the CCTV camera. You could be working for a crazy person.ā
Bella and I sat on my bed fitted with white sheets fresh from the dryer. Mom and dad were having a screaming match out in the garage over bills and money so it was up to us to get laundry done. All of our clothes were folded on the beds and our whole room smelled like laundry soap and crisp linen. We sat and looked at the manās little black book and all the rules and strict employee policies it entailed. Tonight is self-care night and we both wearing face masks with toe separators around our fresh pedicures. Bella lays on her back on the bed with her leg propped against the wall with a fresh foamy coat of shaving cream. We flipped to page 10 and I glanced at it from top to bottom.
āI mean it does make sense. Heās living all alone out in the most abandoned part of town and he was just robbed. I would be worried it would happen again, too.ā
āHoly shit he was robbed?ā she glides her pink razor up her leg creating a smooth finish.
āHe told me that he was attacked by two delinquents.ā
āWell, fuck, that does make sense. Poor guy.ā
āLook at this. His breakfast must be on the table at 8:15 am. One plate of spam, bread, oats, and 5 slices of apples with a glass of water and black coffee. Apples must be peeled and sliced into 5 slices. Spam medium cooked with no burnt edges,ā I smiled at her almost laughing then flipped through the pages. āAnd at 12:00 noon he wants me to vacuum the living room after I dust and then Iām offered a lunch break until 1:30. He needs trash taken out, recycle taken out, floors swept and polished. Floor polish is located in the kitchen cabinet. Then he needs his plants watered in his greenhouse. There will be no harvesting at this time. I canāt take anything home since thatās his food and I canāt take any flowers too. His home is not a charity. Then to do laundry and fold them. Walk and feed his dog, Shadow.ā
āHe has a purebred Rottweiler. But thatās about it. Itās pretty easy and I start next week. There are rooms that I am not allowed to enter. Thereās even a restricted basement, closet, and attic. Thereās a strict policy about locking the doors every time I arrive and leave.ā
Bella laughed, āAre you sure he doesnāt want you to wear a uniform too? The nice little skirt with a feather duster and white stockings? ā
āAre you sure this will all be worth it?ā
āIām absolutely positive. Thereās nothing stopping me from walking back into that house. Especially for 30 dollars an hour.ā
Bella flipped through each page and stopped,ā Why the hell do you need to duct tape the carpetsā¦?ā
āI guess he might be afraid to trip over them,ā I shrugged, remembering the scars on his face. How deep they were and how far they spread down his jaw and to his neck. āHeās blind.ā
She gawked,ā Blind? Wow. Well, arenāt you an angel! Ok. Then that changes everything.ā
āHis house is super old and itās the most secluded part of town. Itās kinda creepy. I could feel it when I was in that room.ā I swept my hair behind my back, remembering there were other things I felt when I was in the room alone with him.
āWell, hopefully, he doesnāt lower you into a hole under his basement and demand you put lotion on your skin or something,ā Bella shoved my shoulder. āYouād be dead meat! Heād be making suits out of your skin and wear them around the house dancing to Goodbye Horses.ā
āWhere the fuck do you come up with these things?ā
āAnd look at this,ā Bella pointed in the middle of the page. āYou are not allowed to have earphones in or play loud music. No sandals, only shoes. No perfume. No visitors at any time and you must bring your own lunch. Clean the bathrooms, organize fridge and pantry, and by 7:00 you have to make him dinner. A slice of spam, bread, oats, and 5 slices of apples with a cup of water. Well, thank god heās not asking for a chef.ā
I laugh, āI know right?ā
āBy precisely 7:30 you need to help him up the stairs. Why does he need help to get up the stairs?ā
āHe has a cane and he limps when he walks,ā I laid in bed pressing comfortably into my blankets sliding the book onto the bedside table. āHe just needs someone to help with the chores since he obviously canāt do them by himself. Which is weird because this guy isā¦big. Like, heās huge. I think itāll be fine. Just as long as mom doesnāt know about all of this.ā
āI wonāt say a word. Whatās his name?ā
āI know his first name is Norman but I canāt remember his last name.ā
āNorman, hmm? For some reason that rings a bell,ā Bella sat thoughtfully. āHis story sounds familiar. Oh well, Iāll think about it later.ā
āIāll tell Mom in a week that I got a new job as a caregiver. She doesnāt care what I do, just as long as I make money.ā
Bella sat in her chair fixing her bangs in the mirror holding a hairclip in her mouth. She looked at me in reflection.
āWhen does he pay you?ā
āEvery two weeks. Everything I need to know about his house and my chores are all written in the book. And thereās no surprise why, too. Heās⦠not a very vocal guy.ā
āWell send me a smiley face when youāre off the job then I can come pick you up. Randy and I want to go to the dance club, the new one that opened, and we need a driver for tomorrow. Weāre going to be drunk.ā
āI canāt believe you two havenāt been carded yet.ā
āMaybe itāll catch up to us eventually. But in the meantime, itās a damn good time to be alive.ā
She sprayed perfume on her wrists and rubbed the sweet strawberry scent on her neck. Her legs were freshly shaven, hair clipped back and she slipped into her summer dress. She attached her favorite butterfly necklace around her neck lifting her blonde hair around her shoulders. At that moment Bella hopped into the closet rummaging through her dresses and tops and taking out her leather jacket. She was a pretty girl. Mom always said she couldāve been a model if only she hadnāt run away when she was 13 years old and came back at 15 addicted to drugs. But she still had her shine, even after she went through recovery. Slipping on her shoes she opened the window and folded herself through the small window frame.
āWhich reminds me! Randy and I are going to the old bar across town. Thereās a band playing with $2 Jello shots until 2 am and then weāre going to an After Hours place. They donāt card us out there. Heās bringing his brother Nathan with him. Wanna come?ā Bella winked at me. She knew how I felt about Nathan.
I shook my head,ā Nah. I need to get up early. I canāt be hungover, I need to go to the library and work on some stuff.ā
She unfolded herself out the window standing on the balcony,ā Suit yourself, pancake.ā
In moments she jumped to her escape running to the awaiting vehicle parked on the curb with a young chiseled handsome football player named Randy sitting in his black Camaro. Nathan was with them. I crawled to the open window and waved. Nathan is the kind of person that can be easily spotted in a big crowd with his short cropped black hair and leather jacket with his faded blue jeans on. I could smell him from here. Nathan looked out the window and saw me too and flashed me a smile. My cheeks burned as he waved back at me. Bella blew me a kiss and Randy honked the horn. They kissed and sped off into the night leaving me alone in bed thinking about the little black book sitting on my bedside table. I dipped my brush into the red polish and began to paint my toenails one by one. I placed two coats of crimson āRed Mistressā on each toe meticulously until one foot was completed. The sweet and pungent smell of toluene fills the room and I take a glance at the book again. Norman.
Heās a very lonesome man.
I allow my toes to dry and I reach for the book again. Even from the little pages and leather bind of the book, I could still smell tiny remnants of the old manās smoky musty scent with each page turn. My thumb bends the pages and flips through from beginning to end. Something falls out of the book and floats on my pillow. My fingers feel a glossy paper. Itās a picture. I reach for my cellphone, push the screen button, click flashlight, and look at a simple yet gorgeous picture of a young girl with long brunette hair falling on her shoulders smiling at the camera. Sheās wearing a white blouse that complimented the pink daisy resting in her hair tucked behind her ear. The lighting looked blurry and unfocused but she was still a beautiful girl. It looks like sheās in front of a university campus because sheās wearing a blue and white sports jacket with the mascot on her shoulder and holding college course books. Flipping the picture over there was something written on the back.
And Happy New Year, Iāll see you after the semester is over.
How sweet. At least he wasnāt totally alone.
I heard a knock at the door.
My mom entered,ā Itās me. I just wanted to talk to you about your senior year and college.ā
āI told you Iām going to the library.ā
āIām not talking about the library. Iām talking about money, honey. Your dad just got laid off today. The company went on strike today and thereās just no work. His fucking boss let everyone know today. And I know what youāre going to say. Itās not fair and youāre fucking right itās not fair. I know youāve been working hard at your job, but right now youāre the only one in the family thatās employed right now. My job is taking a break too andāā
āWhat about grandpa? Canāt he help us?ā
āYou know heās not talking to me⦠heās just as stubborn as a mule. He still wonāt forgive me about your father and your sister. Heās a fat stern old man and he still wonāt give us a loan. Heās completely disowned himself from the family, Evey. Itās hopeless.ā
āGrandpa⦠isnāt a bad man, ma. He just has his reasons.ā
āWell, Iām happyĀ you twoĀ have such a great relationship. I really love it when he sends you a Christmas card in the mail and not the rest of the family. Or when he sent you flowers and money on your 16thĀ birthday and nothing to your sister. Or me. Or that time when he just visited you in the hospital after I gave birth to you and he didnāt visit me once. Youāre getting me off track! Thatās not the point. I just need you to understand that Iām completely out of food stamps and your sister is about to go back to New York soon. Times are tough for everybody right now. You know how hard itās been.ā
āYour dad is downstairs in the garage and heās not in a good mood. Heās become a hopeless man and itās up to you and me, ok?ā
āYou and I are going to be a team. That means we have to take care of each other.ā
āSo, what are you asking me?ā I cocked my eyebrow.Ā Please donāt ask me what I think youāre about to ask me.
āOur mortgage is due soon and you and I have to come up with a plan. Can you give your father and me a small loan? We need at least $1,500 to cover this month, Evey. You would be helping your family.ā
ā$1,500? Last month you only asked for $900.ā
āThis time itās different, honey. Weāre on the edge here and if we donāt do something now, I donāt know what weāre going to do. This month itās for groceries, the car, and our phone bill. Thereās so much at stake that you donāt understand.ā
āYou told me that was the last time youād ask me for money⦠You promised, maā¦ā
āIām sorry, honey. I donāt know what to say. I canāt control what life throws at us. We can only roll with the punches. Youāll understand when you have a family to take care of one day. I wish I could tell you that there was a magic genie lamp that could wish all of our troubles away, but thatās not how it works.ā
This wasnāt new. I had heard of her sales pitch before with grandpa and he had loaned her enough money to purchase a new car. But that was it and he had never helped her after that. My mother had never understood that grandpa was always on her side and he just wanted to teach her some lessons along the way. It was his way of showing tough love. But she was difficult sometimes. So was he. After he had disowned her after marrying his best friendās son, my dad, he had never once shown up for dinner. A holiday, birthday, or called once. But as soon as I was born then he finally reached out. In some way, I was jealous of his isolation from this family. Sometimes I wish I could be like him and justā¦leave.
āDid you tell her to go to hell?ā
āI couldnāt⦠you know how she gets,ā I spoke into the payphone downtown wiping the anxiety from my forehead.
I had to leave the house before Bella served breakfast for everyone back at the house. The sun was barely seeping over the dark blue horizon of the city. Itās nearly 5:15 am. I couldnāt tell Bella I was too chicken to say no to mom again. Then she and mom would fight about money and it would be all my fault for causing family drama and sheād never let me live it down. I could hear grandpa groaning through the phone.
āShe could never grow up and find her own way just like her mother. Sheās still a goddamn child trying to find her way through a shit storm and now sheās got her hooks in yaā. Iām sorry she did that to you, honey. How much did she take?ā
āAlmost all of it, grandpa.ā
āHow much do you have left?ā
I looked at my banking app, pained to see such a low number,ā I have $500 and $500 in my savings. But I was going to use that money for a new car this summer. I got fired from my job at Burger Shack and she doesnāt know about it. But I recently went to a job interview yesterday and I start next week.ā
āThatās my girl! Landing on yaā feet. Iām glad you called me, Evey, sweetie, I miss our talks. Things have not been so good here either. These damn gas prices got me stuck in Flagstaff, Arizona until I can find another odd job. This goddamn place is poverty with a view.ā
āAre you coming back to Detroit?ā
āYou know I canāt pumpkin. Iām headed to the West coast. California and then Hawaii. One day you and I will go there together. But listen I sent you a little something in the mail, ok? It should arrive sometime this week.ā
āKeep your head up. Things will get better, I promise.ā
The payphone beeped:Ā To continue your call please add more quarters.
āAll right, pumpkin. Donāt tell your mother we spoke on the phone, mmk? Sheāll have a cow sideways. You know how she gets. Iāll call you again same time next week?ā
āOk, grandpa. Same time. Same phone booth. I love you.ā
āLove you, too, pumpkin.ā
I hung up the phone and exited the glass booth. The cold air of a Detroit morning hit my skin and I shivered, it didnāt feel like summer so far. The streets were beginning to wake up and begin their daily commute as time flew by. My phone buzzed and it was Mom. A phone call I did not want to pick up right now. She probably noticed I was gone and needed to talk to me aboutā¦whatever she needed to be taken care of. I stepped off the curb and headed toward downtown. I enjoyed blending into the crowd as a faceless nobody. The day was spent slowly, more slowly than I could have dreamed. I just walked. To nowhere in particular. The city began to buzz and ring louder and louder as it approached noon. People, traffic, and arguments could be heard in every direction. I just needed to clear my head. At the end of the day, I traveled on the city bus across the whole map of downtown Detroit. The driver, a balding middle-aged man named Al, would stop and blink the next destination stop for his passengers. One would get off, maybe two, but I never moved from my seat. I had paid a full $5 for the 24-hour pass so I was well in my right to ride this bus as far and as long as I could. By the time I stepped off the bus, around 9:00 pm, near my neighborhood I finally checked my phone.
āShit. Shit. Shit. Shit,ā I covered my mouth and pressed redial.
In two seconds, mom answers the phone and she doesnāt start by screaming. Sheās quiet, so quiet that I can hear her breathing through the phone. I wait for her to say something. Anything. But sheās been sobbing and I can hear her voice croak.
āEvey⦠your sister got arrested last night.ā
This place smells like feet and ass. Itās depressing too. The three of us waited underneath the fluorescent lights of the station, in the waiting room next to other groups of families. One family looks like theyāve been waiting on the bench for days, maybe weeks. Thereās a mother with four of her children and the look on her face tells me a story. Sheās sitting in between three little boys and one little girl and they have the same look on their faces as the mother does. I wonder who sheās here for. A father? Brother? Sister? The way sheās rolling a wedding band on her finger gives me the answer. The only thing that doesnāt make me want to cry is the fact that Iāll be able to hug my sister again, soon. No matter what sheās done.
āI told you⦠military school was always an option. Or boarding school. You never take my advice. Bella is back on drugs and this is all your fault. You were never there to whip her backside when she was young. You coddled her ever since she was born and you never made her into a respectful child. Now weāre here. Are you happy?ā
āLetās not talk about this, please? I didnāt make her on my own. You were there too when she got suspended from school. You were there when we found her in the garage doped out of her goddamn mind. You werenāt there when she ran off to New York and she didnāt come back,ā mom whisper-yelled. āDo not pin this all on me!ā
āWhen this is over I am done. You can fuck off. Your dad can go fuck himself and the rest of your goddamn psycho family. Bella, she can go back to New York. Iām going to my goddamn garage and I am never coming out.ā
āOh, and what? Drink till you pass out? Youāre a real hero! Yea, youāre obviously the man I married and wanted to have kids with. Youāre definitely not a fucking coward or an alcoholic bastard. Bravo!ā
This went on and on for god knows how long and I still havenāt said a word. I sat there thinking how nice it would be to be that family of 5 sitting in the lobby with us. To wait there patiently for my husband, thinking about the kids, and waiting for him to walk down that hallway and exchange despair for joy. But as soon as Bella walked down the hallway with a plastic bag and a handful of paperwork mom and dad erupted in disappointment and anger. Disappointment and anger turned into a screaming match in the whole lobby, to the car, and back to the house. I hug her and we hold hands all the way to the car. The evening fast-forwarded like a movie and my sister and I are the only ones standing still. Mom wonāt stop screaming, dad wonāt stop blaming mom, and Bella canāt stop threatening to leave and never come back again. I enjoyed my invisibility until mom revealed to me that she used the money I gave her as bail.
It didnāt faze me until I walked to my bedroom and I had the privilege to cry alone in private. Bella stomped into our room and slammed the door shut. I could hear mom starting a fight with dad downstairs. For a moment she stands in the middle of our room wiping her nose with her sleeve trying to clear her throat before she could speak. It takes her a moment longer to get a hold of herself when she turns and sees my face.
āE-Evey, Iām so sorry⦠I didnāt mean to⦠The fucking cop⦠I didnāt know mom asked you for money or else Iā¦ā
She couldāve exhaled a ball of fire as soon as I said those words.Ā
āNo, i-itās not fucking ok! Itās not fucking ok, E! Stop saying that every time someone fucks up and asks you to pay the price! She thinks this is all my fucking fault but she wasnāt there when the cop came and pulled us over. Randy was fucking drunk and I didnāt know what to do. I tried to help!ā
āListen Bells⦠mom is always going to freak out about something. Itās mom. At least she had the money to bail you out so you wouldnāt be stuck there.ā
āIām so sorry, Eā¦Iām so sorry⦠I am so, so, so, so sorry⦠Iām a big fuck up, Evey⦠I canāt do anything right,ā she collapsed next to me, holding my hand. She weaves her fingers with mine and gives an assuring squeeze and locks me in.
Bella, my sister, was probably the strongest woman I know. Why? Because she escaped this place. She escaped momās claws and broke the āGuilt Tripā spell that she was under since the day she was born. But, unfortunately, some traditions donāt break. Now it was my turn. But, thankfully, Bella was nothing like mom. My big sister was still my hero.
āI will get your money back, ok? I will pay you back every penny as soon as I get back to New York. No matter what it takes. I can send you something every week. Iām not like mom. I can pawn my engagement ring and that will help us for a little while. I just⦠canāt believe mom borrowed money from you again. You should have told me, E.ā
She squeezed my hand, āIf you tell me⦠itāsĀ fuckingĀ ok, again, I swear Iāll slap you, E! Itās ok for you to be upset at mom. Itās ok to hate her, E. She did you dirty. She fucking did you so dirty! We⦠we, actually we both did. We both fucked up and she should be here apologizing to you, too.ā
āI get it, ok? We all had a rough week. Dad lost his fucking job. Mom still wonāt find an application and prays to the lottery gods every day. And of course, mom is wrong for asking me for money⦠I just canāt catch a break with her.ā
āItās fucked up, E. Everything is so fucked up. Iām sorry, E. Iām so sorry for everything. I didnāt mean to come here and make things harder for you. Iām sorry you lost your money. Iām sorry mom is a fucking cold heinous vicious bitch to you about money and school. Iām sorry you have to deal with these fucked up people.ā
Itās not your fault, I think remembering our childhood spent together dealing with our mother together. Not alone. But together. Always, together. I squeezed her hand in return, offering her a forgiving smile. I remember everything that happened when mom kicked Bella out so many years ago and dad was the root cause of it all. Not even when sheās home, safe, and alive heāll never apologize for what happened. Dad will go to the grave not apologizing to anybody for anything, no matter how bad it gets. Bella wraps her arms around me and itās comforting for both of us. I miss our late-night talks in the closet when our school year began. She crosses her legs on the bed and I do the same. I look towards the door listening to our family fight and argue about everything downstairs and it makes me absolutely sick. Grandpa was right.
āIām sorry, E⦠Truly I am. Iām a fuck up and you can hate me, too.ā
āI will never hate you, Bells. Ever. Because I understand what you went through. I totally get why you leftā¦ā
She offered a weak smile, āYou talk to grandpa, again?ā
āEarlier. Heās stuck in Arizona but heāll be waiting for me in California just like we planned.ā
āObviously notā¦ā I rolled my eyes.
Bella nods her head, āThatās good. I can give you some money today and that will help you until you start your job next week, ok? I can cash you on your phone right now. Randy can go to hell for all I care. Heāll get over it.ā
āThank you Bells. I can start work again, soon, and Iāll make enough money to get out of here again. Donāt worry about me. Grandpa tells me I always land on my feet and heās right. I know you feel guilty, Bells, and I get it. But Iām stable for now. My money isnāt all gone. I can always buy a car in the Fall.ā
She gave another smile, a real smile. āYou get that. I talked to him last night and I kinda gave him a hint that you want to suck on his gorgeous lips this summer before your Senior year. I gotta take a shower. When I was in jail I think I accidentally sat on blood,ā Bella tapped my leg hopping up and leaving the room with renewed enthusiasm. āDonāt give up on me, E. I love you.ā
āLove you, too, sis.ā
I look at my text messages from Nathan and Iām suddenly standing in the middle of my room clutching my phone thinking of what to say. Tell him Iām glad heās ok that he didnāt go to jail with my sister and her fiancĆ©. That Iām sorry I couldnāt say hi to him last night when he was on my street? That Iām excited to hang with him and our friends in our upcoming senior year.
So sorry about Bells. I shouldāve taken care of her and R man. I was there when it happened.
Iām still sorry, E. It shouldnāt have happened. I wish there was more I could say
It means a lot youāre checking up on us. Thatās sweet
I just worry about you. And Bells
Me too. Iām just happy sheās alive and safe.
Iām glad youāre ok tooĀ
He placed a beating heart emoji at the end of his sentence and my world began tearing away at the negative and being replaced with positive feelings. Iāve loved him ever since I laid eyes on him in gym class. He was short back then, in Drama club, and had braces. A few moments go by and our back-and-forth conversation suddenly slowed down to a stop and I was worried he had ended the conversation. Then my screen blinks again.
So⦠hells bells told me that you liked to get together?
Hot panic and anxiety begin to burn and prickle at the back of my neck. What the hell did she tell him!? I think of something to say and my feet carry me in a circle around the room before sitting at my desk. I rest my head against my palm and I want to scream.
Why donāt I just tell you? Iām outside by the mailbox.
I stand and peer out the window and sure enough⦠Nathan is standing outside my house with his hand on his cellphone and the other waving at me. My hot breath fogs up the window as my legs become weak like jelly and I hang up the phone and wave back. Quickly I go through my closet and find my cleanest pair of blue jeans and a white floral V-neck shirt and tie up my hair with my headband. One quick once-over in the mirror and I sprinted out of the room, down the stairs, and to the front door. Mom wonāt know Iāll be gone and god fucking forbid my dad knows Iām going out to see a boy outside. Nathan is still waiting by the mailbox but soon I tug him into the bushes and away from the house. We go to his car, a black Camaro, underneath the shade of an oak tree. The neighborhood is quiet with rows of shaded trees along the sidewalk with boxed flowers in front of every yard. Nathan doesnāt start the car, we sit instead and we donāt leave because we both know that this is going to be quick and sweet. I look at him and keep looking at him. Heās young and lean and strong wearing black jeans with a blue polo shirt and Jordans. His physique is built from years of playing basketball, baseball, and football. This year heās joining cross country.Ā
āHiā¦ā I smile shyly.
His car is polished, clean, and immaculate with leather interior and decorated with a tiny disco ball on the rearview mirror. Just for a little flash. Nathan enjoyed a little flash here and there. It was his personality. He glides a hand through his thick black hair and he seems too anxious to talk. He turns his keys and switches the radio on.
āWhat? Oh, yea, my old man and I just got this done last weekend. You like it?ā
āYou meant the car, right?ā
I laughed,ā No, no, no I meant your bikini area.ā
āWell, shit, that too. You know me. Iām ready for summer.ā
We laugh and I look at his face. Heās handsome when he laughs and his whole body moves when he does. His eyes are a beautiful burnt hazel color and I suddenly become anxious when he turns toward me. We look at each other and I notice heās trying to keep it together.
āSo⦠Bella told me that you wanted to talk? I mean not talk, but hang out. Again, Iām sorry about what happened last night. I shouldāve been more aware of what was happening. Iām just glad you werenāt there. I-I mean not that I wouldnāt want to see you. I like to see you. All the time. Itās just that I wouldnāt want you to go to jail. You know what I mean?ā
I bite my lip,ā Yea. I do. Thank you for being there anyway, Nathan. Youāve been really good to my sister and meā
āOf course. If thereās anything that I can do for your family you let me know.ā He places his hand over mine and suddenly Iām in heaven
āThank you,ā I smile weakly, wondering what he must see in me.
My skin is so fair-skinned that I could see blue veins in my hands and my newly braided hair was so pale, unlike Bellaās, it looked white and silver in the sun. I was so skinny that I was often mistaken for a youth instead of a teenager on the cusp of 18 and so short in stature that my head just came to his shoulder. Even sitting in the car with him I could feel his body take up so much space.
āSo⦠d-did Bella tell you that I like you?ā
He shook his head, his hands moving over his knees. āOh, well, thatās cool. I mean I do. And itās cool if you donāt. I mean I can handle it.ā
āNo, no, no, I do like you, Nathan. Iāve had a crush on you for a whileā¦ā
āReally?ā he raised his brows and scooted closer. āBecause, I totally feel the same, Evey. I liked you ever since you told Angie Harney Dinkleman in History AP she was a frigid cunt in front of the whole class for bullying Morgan about her gap tooth. And that time you called out Sara Sienna Silverman for cheating on her boyfriend with his brother in the cafeteria a day before the school dance. Or that time you broke into Mathew Mathius Callaway Jrās locker room in gym class and stole all the girlās bikinis back and got him suspended for sexual harassment.ā
āHe was a misogynistic asshole who deserved it! Iām so glad enough girls came and petitioned with me and got his ass expelled.ā
āMe, too. He was a douchebag. None of the guys on the baseball team liked him very much. But I want you to know that I liked you before then. Youāre the smartest one in the class and you donāt even have to try. Youāre nice, too, not a lot of pretty girls are nice.ā
āYea. Youāre a pretty chill girl.ā
āThanks. Youāre really sweetā¦ā I leaned toward him and placed a kiss on his cheek.
We both blush to realize itās our first kiss and he still sits there waiting for me to give him more. His eyes are burning into mine and the song on the radio changes. But I canāt give him more. Iām not as experienced as him but I make it clearly evident I want him.
āWow. So thatās what itās likeā¦ā
āWhat?ā he counters, never taking his eyes off my lips. Still leaning toward me and I stop him placing my hand on his chest and, my god, heās so impressively lean that it takes my breath away. Heās an inch away and I close my eyes still holding him at bay no matter how much I want him to continue.
āMy first kissā¦ā I whisper.
He laughed tossing his head back,ā Thatās why I like you, Evey. You got guts and youāre not afraid of anything. Or anyone.ā
āThanks⦠I like you, too, Nathan⦠and Iām so glad to hearā"
The beams of a flashlight suddenly blinded both of us and I squinted my eyes to my window. I raised my hands to block the light and panicked.Ā Oh my god, itās the cops! The manās finger taps on the window and I roll it down. He moves the flashlight over my face and to Nathan and suddenly weāre both too shocked for words.
He swung open the car door and grabbed my wrist,ā Get out of the goddamn car!ā
Nathan panics and gets out of the car.
āDad, itās not what it looks like. We were just talking!ā
āEveyās dad, sir, um, we werenāt doing anything.ā
My dad roars at him,ā You better get the fuck out of here before I call the goddamn cops! She is a minor and Iāll have your ass arrested so fast youāll be digging cocks out of your ass before you even bend over in the shower! Not in jail but in prison! You hear me!?ā
āGet the fuck inside the house!ā
My dadās face is so red I swear heās about to burst into flames and I can see the veins across his forehead. Our neighbors are suddenly on their porches in their bathrobes listening to my dad yell threats at Nathan and my face is burning red with embarrassment. All I can do is cover my face with my hair and let my dad yank me back to the house. Nathan tries to follow us but my mother comes out of the house barefoot and my sister comes running out of the house in her bathrobe and my world crumbles before my eyes. I watch Nathan disappear from my view and tears form in the corner of my eyes.
āWhat the hell is going on!?ā my mom growls.
āGet the fuck back inside the house! That boy was selling our daughter drugs! They were sitting in the car and he was pushing drugs!ā
I try to escape his grip,ā Heās not a drug dealer, dad! Heās just a boy from school!ā
My dad drags me into the house and sits me down on the couch in the living room prepared to have a family meeting. Bella sits down with me and holds my hand.
āDad, chill the fuck out. Itās not that bad. You caught me in bed upstairs with Craig back when I was 15! You even knocked up mom when you both were 15. Whatās the difference!?ā Bella barked at him.ā
He pointed a stern finger at her,ā That. Is. Fucking. Different. And not another goddamn word, do you hear me? Another word out of you and I will take a belt to your ass.ā
Bella is so tempted to bite back at him that she stares him down. They both stare like this for an eternity. I squeeze her hand extra hard and try to help her stay in our own little safe zone. Mom is done talking to the neighbors trying to cover up our shame and came back inside and stood next to her husband. She looks embarrassed and doesnāt say anything. This isnāt her problem and goes upstairs.
āIām sorry, daddyā¦ā is all I can say.
Bella looks at me, almost shocked I could surrender so easily.
āYou twoā¦ā he pinches his nose, shuts his eyes, and drops his head. āYou two are so⦠goddamn disappointing. Do you want to give me a heart attack before I turn 40? Because youāre taking me there! I got one foot in the grave!ā
Iām too scared to say anything that I shrink into the couch. I want to feel as small as possible. Tears fall down my cheeks and my leg shakes. My dadās face is sweating heās trying to muster all his strength just to breathe again. But he just yells and yells and yells and my ears suddenly go deaf. All I can hear is a high-pitched ringing like a bell inside my head. Heās waving his arms up and down and he slaps his baseball hat against the wall. I let my head fall and I just close my eyes. Iām picturing Nathanās face as I kiss him on the cheek and how sweet he tasted. Iām trying to picture me and Grandpa driving his red Buick Roadmaster 1975 on Route 66 all the way to sunny California. Just me and him wearing sunscreen and sunglasses with the windows rolled down driving wherever we want. Itās the freedom Iām imagining. Itās the freedom to do what I want when I want, how I want, and with whomever I want. Iām imagining me and Bella in Hawaii laying on the beach in our bikinis enjoying a fruity cocktail with tiny umbrellas. I imagine weāre running through the white foam and splashing into the ocean laughing. The sun is so hot it gives us tan lines and the ocean is so cold we see sea turtles.
āEVEY!ā my dad shouts throwing a vase against the wall.
The crash pulls me out of my daydream and Iām back in my living room holding hands with Bella. She never left.
āWhat?ā I respond, blinking back to reality.
By now my whole body is shaking as I watch my dad walk over the broken shards and stand against the wall supported by his hand looking at the family photo. He was younger with more hair and no sign of a beer belly. Our mother looked so much happier and sunnier back then and hadnāt drank so much vodka. Bella and I were in matching tweed dresses with bows in our hair. It was a memory that seemed so long ago. It was hard to believe we were the same family in the photo. He looks at our family photo deep and hard and then looks at the picture of himself wearing his football jersey in high school. He was younger, stronger, and more confident back then. He just stares and doesnāt say anything. Like looking at the picture long enough can make him time travel back to fix his mistake.
āYou are fucking killing me! You are literally murdering your old man! I canāt believe that God would give me these two fucktards instead of boys! I always told yaā motha that I wanted boys. But life had to kick me in the nuts! You think I wanted to be a dad!? You think I want a pregnant daughter!? DO you really think I want two pregnant daughters!? Do you think I know how to do this!? You think itās fucking easy for me!? I never wanted taā both of yaās! You were the biggest mistake of my life!ā
He points his finger at me.Ā
āYou talk to that fucking drug-dealing friend of yours or get pregnant before youāre 18ā¦and I am kicking your ass to the curb and you are never allowed under my roof again! You twoās were the biggest mistake of my life! After having Bella I told yaā mothaā to take the goddamn pill but she just had to fucking keep ya!ā
Bella shot up from the couch,ā Dad!āHis eyes are puffy and so red I can see his veins. Heās been drinking. Maybe heāll remember what he says or maybe heāll forget tomorrow but I still canāt move. The ringing in my ears comes back and I go deaf. Itās like Iām underwater and I canāt hear the upper world beneath the surface. Iām trying to go back into my daydream again but I see dad slip his belt out from his waistline and he snaps it. Bella is screaming at my dad until he slaps her across the face with his hand and she falls against the wall. I stand up and scream.