#captainkell

28th Sun of the Fifth Astral Moon

I took a few days away from journaling. Because I am a mess. I have never felt so overwhelmed by my own emotions before. I won’t dwell on details, I merely and writing this to remember this moment in time. 

I drank a bottle of wine by myself to make the stone situation pause for a bit. I tried to watch an Au’ra fight and Corsa’ir removed me from the display and put me in his apartment. 

Mafrea and Catherina are not speaking. I learned last night that it is because of his use of magic so dark that it frightens a black mage. I find irony in that. And my heart is broken.

Corsa’ir told me he loves me, but I don’t know if it is true love or his scope of love. He made it clear it is partially physical. But he also kissed me again. While my growing feelings for him are not near my care of Aster...it is there now. 

I have missed Aster. But he returned as I was curled up talking to a shivering Corsa’ir last night and all took it in stride. I’ve made my decisions...they will have to accept it or leave me. And after that, Aster still kissed me. It was a beautiful kiss. I’ve never had a need for physical comfort, but the two of them feel crucial now. 

I realized my loyalties. In a split second, I was about to crash the world down on us to protect one of my own.

I talked to Captain Lucien Kell again and realized his saunter and flair for words is a shield. His mask to hide a man beneath that seems tied and haunted. He clearly enjoyed my company but was far too plain in his attempts to enter the good graces of Miss Kat. 

Miss Kat is not happy at all. It is rude to speak about her suffering so I will leave it there. 

No...wait. Everyone is a mess...just a mess.

I have never been so sad and happy at once. Now I need to refocus and get back to our life of privateers as tonight we offer to join Corsa’ir to stop a killer.