#capricious posting

Something I’ve never really understood is that when I reach different points (could be various things, small or big; currently is that life now feels probably-livable), there’s often a feeling of disgust(?)/wanting to distance myself from many past occurrences due to ways I’ve acted; maybe ‘cause emotions have always been more disorganized/prevalent/etc at past times and not showing much has always been a survival mechanism or something. That’s almost making me want to never show activity on this blog again since that point was reached in the while I’ve never really been using it, and I made it years back when I was hitting a real odd point with very disorganized (and often aggressive and/or suddenly oddly strong) emotions bulging at the seams

I apparently chose quite an interesting time to get into TF2; apparently long-term players’ve been complaining about a lack of good updates for a while, but here I am only having checked out five of the nine (non-beta) game modes (including MvM) and they add a sport one in (though still in beta), have holiday events coming up, and’ve even just dropped their first intentionally-released hints on the upcoming alien invasion update that should get atleast one new game mode. There’s just so much to this game and I showed up in time to have so much new happening at once too

The one bad-ish thing about doing the daily drawings I’m doing is that even when I really want to draw something well and’m actually in a drawing mood, the lack of energy I have to do so with is pretty obvious ‘cause I just can’t put enough effort into it to do what I want (and the lack of energy also makes me quite not want to even get started on any drawing)

One of the weirdest things about the way my mind works/is restricted is with my understanding of languages ‘cause I can sometimes understand or think in several without trying (just recently had a thought I semi-often have in English come out in German) but can’t really intentionally use any other than English (which I occasionally also lose a grasp on); the information’s in there but the way my mind’s fucked over makes it impossible to consistently grasp the understanding enough to be basically above the level of just understanding a handful of words and maybe some grammar

Slowly having gotten better in some ways and having a bit of distance in time has made me realize that I wasn’t always as good at seeming neurotypical and okay as I thought; it probably helped that there seemed to be plenty of drug use by people in the area since it seems that my pretty constant heavily dissociated state and occasionally noticable issues with hallucinations/paranoia were chalked up to me being on drugs by most