#candlegreen

Markus had told me to ask anything, so I asked the most human thing I could think about. "That's a tricky one," he smiles softly. "What is a heartbreak, really?"

My brows knit for a second. I know androids know all vocabulary and concepts. What do you mean? Before I can ask, Markus continues, "You humans only consider romantic heartbreaks. But I'd argue there are many kinds of heartbreaks. Like when you heard that stray kitten crying, Jade. I saw your eyes tearing up. Wasn't it heartbreaking?" That disarms me and I stutter. That's a way to see the world I had never considered before. Markus' pretty smile widens, and he continues, "I had been denying my emotions until recently, so it's still a bit blurry." I nod.

"I remember feeling very weird when I saw Carl crying for the first time. I had this... need to make it stop, to make him feel better. But it wasn't a normal need like I feel when I receive a new task. No. It was urgent. It was like my existence depended on it. Seeing your father cry made me feel like something inside of me was lacking and the void poisoned me. That day is the one that better fits your question."

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At my words, Markus smiles confusedly. "I've seen you kissing Olivia before. Did she-" "No! No, she didn't force me." Markus' eyes narrow playfully, but it doesn't look genuine. It feels like a performance.

"That was, what... one month in?" "Three weeks and four days. The second time she visited." I blink. Right. Android stuff. "...Okay. By that time, we were fine. We were great, actually!" I laugh at that thought. Everything Olivia related feels like a whole different life.

My boyfriend's eye twitches slightly. I sigh and look down. Staring at his hand and playing with his fingers, I murmur, "did you ever notice how she was always the first one to lean in?" "I did. I assumed it was just your... preferences." "It kinda is?" I look up at your beautiful mismatched eyes, "But the preference is not being kissed." I chuckle bittersweetly and look down again. I smile slightly as your thumb caresses my knuckles fondly.

"Why did you kiss her then?" "I don't know. It felt... like something I'm supposed to do. You'd expect your girlfriend to kiss you, right?" Markus' brows furrow. "Why?" I sigh and shut my eyes tightly. "... That's one of those stupid social traditions."

"I see." Markus' voice is so gentle. It feels like a hug when you're a kid — it's just the right amount of warmth and all the comfort you didn't know you needed.

"Did you ever genuinely want to kiss her? Do you... feel that at all? Sometimes?" I glance up at my love. "Yea... The first time we kissed. It was special. It felt genuine." I take a deep breath, "It was the end of our second date. We were eating cookies, her lips were so messy." I chuckle. "I cleaned them for her. I didn't even intend it like, you know, sexy! I was just cleaning something that was dirty!" Markus' thumb moves tenderly back and forth over my knuckles. I sigh and look down, watching our hands.

"But I don't regret that one. Because that was a real one. A weird one but a real one, nonetheless. I remember looking at her eyes and thinking she was beautiful. Thinking how much I wanted to keep seeing her. I know that one was real. I ended up liking the moment. That's worth something, right?"

I can almost swear I can hear his digital brain running. "Joey..." "No. It's fine. Really." I squeeze his hand gently. "I just... I'd like to understand why. Why are humans and society obsessed with this?" Markus tilts his head confusedly. Like a damn puppy dog. So cute. I chuckle softly, and it makes him smile. "Go on," Markus whispers tenderly. "You're doing great. I understand what you're saying." I take a sharp breath and squeeze his hand, silently thanking my boyfriend for his reassurance. Words are a real struggle for me.

I allow myself to take a moment to simply close my eyes and breathe deeply, holding his hand tightly. When I speak again, my voice is steadier and calmer. "There's this whole thing in our society about first kisses and how many people you've kissed and how many people you kiss in one singular party." Markus nods in understanding.

"And I just hate it so much." I feel my eyes watering. "Why can't I have my first relationship after my 20s and be fine with that? Why is everyone so obsessed with what I do?" I cough and let go of your hand to wipe my tears. Markus' hands hold my shoulders gently but firmly, making it impossible for my body to curl. Which is objectively good.

But now it just pisses me off.

My head is as lowered as physically possible as I sob. "Joey. Sweetheart, it's okay. Nobody is coming after you. Olivia isn't coming back. Ever again. You're free now."

It's true. I am free now.

"Society is... what's the word? A jerk?" Markus smirks proudly at his own joke. "No, that's you." I chuckle and look up with a small smile. His hands immediately cup and caress my wet cheeks. "I'm the jerk?" I nod, smiling wider. "And why am I a jerk, sweetheart?" "Because you messed with your girlfriend's head?" "To help your spiraling?" "Well... Yea." "And I'm still a jerk?" "Leave me alone, Markus!" I chuckle and raise my hands to his cheeks. I take a deep breath. My thumbs caress your cheeks gently as we fall into a comfortable silence.

"Can I kiss you?" I whisper. "Of course," my love replies quickly. "No. No, darling, I mean... kiss you." "Oh... Are you sure?" I nod. "Because you don't have to-" "Love. I am." Markus nods. "Okay," he whispers.

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written in june/july 2025