#calumxoc

The writing “ANNANDALE HOTEL” on the corner of the street sent goosebumps over my entire body. This is where it all began, where the band began. 

It´s a full life-circle moment, glancing over to Calum, I can see that he is feeling the same way. He and I never went back to this place, it all happened too fast: Going viral, being on tour with my brother Louis and 1D. Even if we wanted, we spent no time thinking about going back here. 

And as much nostalgia as I am feeling right now, the thought of setting a foot into the bar where I watched 5SOS perform in front of a crowd for the first time makes my head spin.

The guys are filming their music video for the single “Old Me” today and all four of them wanted me to be a part of it. When Calum first asked me if I wanted to be a part of this historically important project, I denied. It seemed like the most realistic thing to do, for both my anxiety of being bullied by the media for simply existing, but also to have less attention on me. 

It took Ashton, Luke and Micheal to come to our house and begging me to participate. They wanted to make the video sequence to look as realistic as possible and me not being there would apparently be unbearable. And, I mean? Who could not say yes to 3 friends pleading at you? Right, me neither. 

Fast forward, it was a warm February morning and me and Calum collectively took a moment to prepare ourselves for this nostalgic experience we were about to witness. 

We were the first to arrive besides the camera team. Patiently waiting for the others, I noticed Calum nervousness. We were standing in the middle of the bar, staring right at the stage they played on 10 years ago. I grabbed Calum´s arm and he looked down on me. “Is everything alright?” I whispered, not wanting to have the technical team eavesdropping on us. 

Calum nodded, but seemed absent, like he is lost in the past, in something that keeps his mind busy. 

“Don´t lie to me. I know there´s something on your mind.” I gave him a soft smile. “You know you can talk to me, right?” 

“Thanks, sweetie. But everything´s alright. It´s just a lot to take in, you know?” 

Even though that didn´t seem like the honest answer, I didn´t ask further. If he didn´t want to talk about it, then I should leave it. 

Sooner or later, Ashton, Luke and Micheal arrived and with them the younger actors that would portray them as teenagers, playing their first ever concert. 

What I didn´t knew, the team also casted a younger me. In front of me stood a 17 year old girl living not far from where the Annandale Hotel is, whose name would be Milly for the next hours of shooting this music video. 

To be honest, I couldn´t move. It caught me completely by surprise, but I still had enough control over my own body to go up to her and introduce myself. 

“Hey, I´m Milly. You´re me?” I asked with an amused smile on my face. 

“Hello, so nice meeting you. I´m Nico.” Her straight blonde hair did look exactly like mine and even her smile reminded me of old photos I still have of my time in Australia. 

“Come on, wanna meet the guys?” Nicos face lit up and I immediately knew she was a huge fan when it then turned into a mixture of shyness and excitement. “You like them?” I asked. 

She nodded aggressively. “Been listening to their music since their tour with One Direction.” As soon as she said that, her face was adorned with a form of horror. “Oh my god. I completely forgot you´re Louis Tomlinsons sister.” she breathed out. 

I chuckled. “Milly Tomlinson is my name, correct. So come on, let´s talk to the guys.” 

Nico hesitated, but she was too curious to let the opportunity slide to me her idols. 

“Calum, I found a fan.” I said, gently touching Nico´s back to introduce her to my boyfriend.

Before we could actually start shooting, it was a lot back and forth, we needed styling, the right outfits. There was a lot of work going into these shootings every time and I was in awe a little more every time as well. 

Me and Calum stayed close during the preparation, he knew how much pressure was on me without me saying a word, I guess he could sense my head aches by now. 

“Okay, let´s go guys.” the middle-aged man who was in charge of everything stood up and talked to the team. 

“We are first going to recreate the scene with the young actors, can I please get Harry, Tim, Peter, Lucas and Nico up on the stage?” 

The five of them walked up to the tiny staircase to get onto the stage. The group all in all had a stressed look on their face, already begging for it to be over probably. I saw so much of us in these kids, I wouldn´t even question it, if they told us, they were all secret relatives of us. 

“Aren´t they amazing?” I heard Calums voice next to me. When I glanced over to him, I saw him staring at the stage, just like he´s watching his younger self, like he travelled through time. 

“YOU are amazing.” I responded, making him smile. 

When he looked over to me and our eyes met, the brown of his eyes still made me melt like chocolate, as if there weren´t 10 years between our first meeting and today. I still love this man till death tears us apart. 

He gave me a quick kiss on the lips before he walked up to Micheal to talk something over. Even though it never seemed like it, my man is nearly as nervous as me at video shoots, but it never shows. To calm him down, it helps talking to one of his band mates who are in the same situation as him. 

Sooner or later, I had no idea where my boyfriend was, I was too focused on our younger selves doing an incredible job in front of the camera. Ashton helped his mini version how to play the drums so it look authentic and I talked to Nico a bit about how it really was to be watching the four guys 10 years ago, I guess it helped her to get more into the role and to portray my emotions better. 

“Okay, scene 3, take 5” someone shouted and the cameras rolled again. “She looks so perfect” played over someones phone audio, just so the actor for Luke could mouth the words and everyone else played their instrument to the beat. 

“CUT!” The cameras stopped filming and the actors stopped mid-action. “Okay, that´s it. Good job everyone, enjoy your break.” 

I just decided to go find Calum when Luke walked up to me. “Hey, Milly, could you get my phone from the dressing room? I must´ve left it there but don´t have enough time to go back right now.” 

I did question why he couldn´t just do it himself, since the producer officially called it a break, but I still went to do my friend a favor. 

As I walked through the door to get to the improvised dressing rooms for the band and other actors, the first thing that catched my eyes, were the rose petals on the ground.

Tons and tons of red roses lying on the ground.

I froze. Was this what I was thinking this is?

Slowly, I let my gaze wander through the dressing rooms. And there he was.

Calum, the love of my life, the man I turn to, who knows me like no one else was, kneeled in front of me. 

It all started to blur because I wasn´t able to hold back the tears that already ran down my cheeks. 

I got closer to him and asked. “What are you doing here?” I couldn´t hold back a quiet chuckle. 

“The thing I should´ve done way sooner.” tears were shimmering in his eyes as well, I noticed. “Mildred Tomlinson, do you want to marry me? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” He asked the question and I couldn´t help it but think about all the times I thought of him proposing to me or marrying Calum. We never talked about it, I was too afraid to ask him, if he would even want to marry me. 

And even though I secretly hoped to marry him one day, I never in my wildest dreams imagined him on one knee with a small little box in his hand. I thought it wasn´t his thing. That he wouldn´t want to make a big scene, Calum is a silent and introverted guy after all. 

“Yes! Yes, of course!” I shouted and ran up to him to wrap my arms around him and be surrounded by the love of my life. 

He gave me a little kiss on my cheek and even after all these years of being in a relationship with him, the butterflies came alive in my stomach and flew around like they never have before. 

I´m going to get married. 

I let Calum go and he put a small silver ring with a shiny diamond on my finger. His hands were shaking, so were mine, I don´t think I´ve ever been more happy in my entire life. 

“I love you, you idiot.” 

I heard loud clapping behind my back and found myself in front of not only the bandmates of my now-fiancée, but the entire camera crew of the music video who were filming all of this. 

“Did you plan this?” I asked in utter disbelief, my gaze wandering between Calum and the other guys, standing in the door. 

july 23, 2018 los angeles, california orion

Just over a week before the band leaves for tour, Calum and I wake up at an early hour again due to a phone ringing, except this time, it’s his phone. He’s a lighter sleeper than I am, so when it starts to ring, he turns on the lamp on his nightstand and picks it up.

Unlike me, he does put his phone on Do Not Disturb, but he has notifications from certain people come through at any time. The list is me (obviously), his parents, Mali, the band, and Roy. If it’s this early and his phone is ringing, it’s someone who actually needs to reach him.

“Hello?” His croaky morning voice asks.

I hear faint murmuring from the other end of the call.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll cover for you.”

More murmuring.

“No worries.”

Murmuring.

“Yeah, love you too Ash.”

He hangs up, chucks his phone back onto the nightstand, and turns the light back off.

“Everything okay?” I ask while he snuggles back up to me, burying his face in my hair.

“He’s gonna stay at the hospital with Kay today. Asked me to cover for him with Matt.”

“He could’ve texted that…” I mumble, flipping onto my stomach to try to sleep that way now.

“Shh,” Cal whispers, tightening his grip around my waist.

—

We wake up for real a few hours later, and the first thing I do is send a text to KayKay.

To: KayKay

hi 💕 hope you’re doing okay. please let me know if you need anything!

She’s one of the few people I know who leaves her read receipts on, and I watch the status change from delivered to read almost instantly, but the bubble that says she’s typing never appears. I don’t expect a reply, but I am glad to know she’s at least read the message.

“Want me to make you a coffee?” I turn to Cal to ask. I don’t read the texts, but I see he’s texting Ashton on his phone.

He turns his head and presses a kiss to my cheek. “Sure, baby. That’d be great.”

I nod and kiss his cheek back before I throw the blankets off myself, careful not to expose Calum to the air in the process. I trudge to the kitchen, Duke trotting after me. I turn on the espresso machine to let it heat up and then scoop Duke’s breakfast into his bowl for him. Opening the fridge, I find the little baggie of unseasoned, boiled chicken pieces that I always ask Cal to set aside when he cooks. While I don’t eat meat, I’d never expect Duke to also be vegetarian, so I try to sneak some extra bonuses into his bowl like actual chicken. I throw a few chunks of the chicken into his bowl while he eats, and he immediately inhales them, preferring the fresh food to his kibble.

Once Duke is fed, I get out the oat milk for our coffees. Cal may not like sweetness in his coffee, but I do, so I also grab a syrup to put in mine. Today’s choice is salted vanilla, a flavor I’d bought at a local LA shop.

I scoop the espresso grounds into the basket and place our cups under the extractors, switching the machine mode to start brewing. The caramel-colored froth comes out a few seconds later, and I watch until the cups are filled to the right line before I shut the machine off.

Just as I’m scooping the ice into our cups, a sleepy Cal shuffles into the kitchen, a small smile playing at his lips when he sees me.

“If it isn’t my favorite barista,” he says, walking up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “What flavor did you do today?”

“Salted vanilla.”

I stick a glass straw in each of our cups — blue for him and green for me — and turn around to hand him his glass. He takes his and taps it against mine.

“Salud.”

“Salud.”

Ever since that first night, we’ve never said cheers, nor have we mentioned it to each other that we’d only ever say salud. It’s just an unspoken rule, and I love it. He even signed his first card to me with it, since it was before we said ‘I love you.’

“Why does this one taste so good?” Cal asks, sipping his latte quickly.

I laugh. “I ordered this espresso from some roaster in DC that makes it taste like chocolate chip cookies.” It was a very targeted Instagram ad and I purchased it immediately.

“Will you send me the name of it? Maybe when we stop in DC I can get some, and I could maybe get you a t-shirt or something from there.”

“Yeah, I’ll text it to you later,” I agree. “But also you don’t need to get me anything. Just bring yourself back home.”

Calum rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna bring you something back home.”

I just laugh. “Okay, as long as that something is you.”

“You’re infuriating, you know that?”

“My specialty!”

Slurping up the last few drops of his latte, he glares at me with his still sleepy eyes. “No, you have many specialties, but being infuriating is not one of them.”

I smile. I’m curious to see what he’ll come up with on the spot. “Please, tell me what my many specialties are!”

“Hmm,” he starts. “Being an enneagram 2, finding the weirdest coffees to order, and being 5 feet tall but still intimidating.”

He makes me laugh so much I have to put down my coffee. “I am not intimidating!”

“Your fight with Mike the other night begs to differ.”

“That doesn’t count!”

“I think it does!”

I scoff, grabbing my coffee and walking to the couch, Calum following me instantly, trailing behind me like Duke does. “That wasn’t even a real fight.”

Plopping down next to me on the couch, Cal giggles. “It was so funny though.”

“I’m glad you found my distress amusing.”

“So it was a fight?”

I fight the urge to shove his shoulder and instead choose to roll my eyes. “Y’know, I was gonna offer to make you breakfast too, but you’re not being very nice to me this morning.”

Calum gasps. “But you always make me breakfast! I don’t even know how to make eggs the way you do.”

He gives me sad, puppy-like eyes.

“Then you should’ve thought about that before you called me intimidating.”

His mashes his lips together and his eyes narrow in an annoyed glare. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing!”

Instead of continuing the conversation, I flip him off and get off the couch again. I’m hungry, and too tired to play-argue with Cal much more. In the kitchen, I get out the eggs we have in the fridge and some of the frozen hashbrown patties from the freezer, setting the eggs by the stove and tossing three of the hashbrowns into the air fryer.

When I turn on the stove, I realize I’d forgotten the chili crisp in the fridge, but apparently Cal followed me again and hands it to me when I turn around to walk back to the fridge. I narrow my eyes at him. “So you do know how to make the eggs?”

He avoids looking me in the eye. “I will neither confirm nor deny.”

Frustratedly, I sigh. “Get me the green onions too, please.”

With Calum watching me the whole time, I make the breakfast that we have almost every morning together. It’s chili crisp fried eggs with green onions, cheese, hashbrowns, avocado, and ranch dressing. Honestly, I don’t know if he really likes it that much. It’s just been a hyper-fixation meal that I’ve not gotten tired of yet, and it’s easy to make, so it’s become part of my routine. Cal hasn’t complained about it, so I assume he likes it enough.

We eat breakfast in comfortable silence, both of us on our phones while we sit at the bar in our kitchen. I think Calum is answering work-related texts and emails, but I’m emailing with the deans of my majors and my advisor explaining my situation for the semester and trying to determine the best plan for me. Neither one of us really ever looks at the other’s phone, so I don’t feel too concerned that he’d look over and read what I’m typing.

“What are you gonna do today?” Calum breaks our silence.

I’m going back to see Dr. Harris today to discuss the biopsy, and Emelia is picking me up again to join me. Of course, I won’t be saying that to Calum.

“I think Em and I might just hang at her place. Maybe bake some cookies or something,” I say, coming up with a believable cover. We probably will also hang at her place. One of her roommates who’d sublet her room for the summer is back, so it’ll be nice to see her again.

“Be careful, don’t get too sick of Em before she’s your only friend in LA!” He’s joking, somewhat. I have other friends in LA, but not a ton that I spend time with regularly, especially not one on one.

“I think I’ll try to make plans with Macy sometime soon. She seems cool!” I’d asked her on Saturday how long she’d be in LA, and her answer, more or less, was that she’s here indefinitely, or at least for a full gap year.

Cal nods in agreement. “Yeah, and it’ll be nice to just know someone who lives so close. You guys also have so much randomly in common, it's like you were meant to enter that elevator at the same time."

I'm not a big 'manifestation' girl, nor am I religious or all that well versed in astrology, but I do believe in the universe putting things in your path that are meant for you. It put me and Calum at Space Monkey on the same night. It assigned me to the same freshman seminar as Emelia. It gave me to my parents. For whatever reason, Macy and I were meant to meet that morning.

"I think so."

Once we finish eating, Calum takes our plates to the sink and starts to wash up. That's part of our deal: if I cook, he cleans up. It's unspoken. We've never explicitly talked about it, but it happens that way and always has. Our habits have always just kind of slotted perfectly together. We aren't exactly the same, but where one of us falls short, the other picks it up.

After the kitchen is clean, Cal and I take Duke on a quick walk around the neighborhood, letting him sniff as much as he wants to tire him out. Per usual, we end up running into a fan. It doesn't happen every day, and sometimes not even every week, but it is still quite common. I don't mind, though. I get it. I get why people love him and 5SOS. I try to always offer to take the photo for them and take as many as I possibly can from the moment their phone is in my hand.

It's always so sweet to watch them interact, Cal always thanking them for their support and the fans so nervous and usually caught off guard by seeing him while on their own walk. On a very rare occasion, they ask for me to be in the photo, but I always feel so awkward and out of place being in it. I'm not famous for anything, nor do I want to be. I just happen to be in love with someone who is.

Cal wishes the fan a good day and we walk back home, passing Ron at the start of his shift (I promise to send a coffee down with Cal when he leaves shortly) and then we take the stairs up to our apartment to give Duke some extra exercise. We get changed in our clothes for the day. Cal's in another gym shorts and old t-shirt combo, and I'm wearing some bright green bike shorts with one of Cal's t-shirts. I had to beg him to leave me a few when he leaves, since I mostly just wear his t-shirts instead of my own. Once I'm dressed, I quickly make a coffee for Ron in the kitchen.

"It'll probably be a short one today, since Ash won't be there. Wanna grab some tacos by the beach tonight and watch the sunset?"

I gasp quietly, absolutely loving the idea instantly. Watching sunsets is one of my favorite things to do, and there's a really good vegetarian taco truck that tends to be at a beach access not too far from our apartment. "Yes! Oh my god, that's the best idea you've ever had."

He laughs. "I wouldn't go that far, but I figured it'd be something you'd like to do. I'll grab a bottle of wine on my way home too."

"You're just being nice since you're leaving me," I tease. It's not true — Cal is always this sweet and thoughtful, coming up with random plans that he thinks I'll like, bringing me ramen when I feel shitty, leaving sticky notes that have little messages on them around the apartment.

"I'm being nice because I love you and I'm your boyfriend."

"I love you too," I say. "I am now very much looking forward to tonight."

He grins, the crinkles by his eyes showing up. "Me too. I should get going though, gotta sweeten Matt up to not get pissed about Ash not coming today."

He closes the space between us and pulls me into a hug, squeezing me tightly. I squeeze him back right before I crane my neck to be able to kiss him. He meets me halfway, since I'm only so tall, pressing his lips against mine, and he doesn't let me pull away — not that I really want to. I gently wind my hand into his hair and trail my other one up and down his arm. Cal's hands pinch my waist before he pulls away, but then he gives me one last peck.

"Okay, I gotta go," he starts. "As much as I'd like to continue this."

I pout. "Okay. Have a good day, and let me know when you're heading home?"

"Of course. Love you." He steps away from me, but my hand is still on his arm, so it slides down until I grab onto his hand, giving it a final squeeze before I drop it.

"I love you too."

Then he actually leaves, grabbing some random sneakers from the closet and walking out of the apartment with the coffee I made for Ron in his hand. Once he's gone, I go back to the kitchen to make myself another coffee. Ash's early wakeup call is really messing with my energy, and I want to keep busy before the appointment. While I'm making mine, I check Emelia's location. She's on her way here, so I make one for her too.

I'm anxious about the appointment, but I'm just trying to not think about it. It's weird, knowing that I have cancer but just don't know how bad it is. It's like I know the punch is coming. The fist is right in front of my face. I just don't know if it's a knockout or a black eye.

Just as I'm adding the ice to our coffees, she texts that she's here. I grab our drinks, slip on my Birkenstocks, and head out.

"Have a good day, Ron!" I call as I hurry through the lobby.

Em's car is out front, hazards blinking just like last time. Except this time, when I get in the car, she isn't horrendously mad at me.

"Howdy," she cheerily says when I get in.

"Howdy," I say back, laughing. "Made you a coffee."

As she pulls out into the street, she glances at the cupholders for a split second, smiling when she sees the two cups. "I knew I chose you as my best friend for a reason."

I laugh, grabbing my cup to take a sip. "You wanted a best friend to drive to an oncology appointment who brings you a coffee?"

The words come out before I've really processed what I'm saying, and then the silence in the car feels deafening. Way for me to make it awkward.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that," is how I try to soften the quietness.

Em takes a drink from her coffee. "It's fine. I know this whole thing is just... weird. And hard."

I blow out a puff of air. Weird and hard are definitely two words we could use. I don't know what else to say now, so the rest of our ride to the hospital is nearly silent. She plays her favorite — Taylor Swift — and she sings along quietly.

When we get to the hospital, it goes just like it did last time. The check in girl is overly cheery, I sign some papers, and we wait for a few minutes, and then Russell calls us back. He doesn't bother using any niceties like 'good to see you again' because I'm sure he's well aware it's not a very joyous occasion.

Em and I wait in the sterile exam room, waiting for the punch to hit. Dr. Harris walks in and my anxiety spikes. I can feel my heart racing, and I know part of that is the fault of the caffeine I've had this morning.

Dr. Harris says good morning and takes a seat on her rolling chair, just like last time. Russell stays standing by the door that he closes behind himself, a tablet in his hands that he taps around on.

"I don't want to waste your time," is how Dr. Harris starts our conversation.

I gulp, even though my mouth is incredibly dry.

"Orion, your leukemia is in Stage Three."

The air in my lungs goes out and none comes back in. My eyes unfocus and my vision goes blurry. I'd done enough research in the past few weeks. There's no cure for leukemia generally, but once you're in stage three, you're coming down to crunch time. Stages zero through two, you can live seven or more years. You can still have a life.

It's stage three. The end feels like it's in sight. It is and it isn't, I guess.

It's ending, though. We're all running towards the finish line, mine is just closer than it should be at 21 years old.

When I break out of my daze, I realize my tears are falling quickly, streaming down my face in tiny waterfalls. I'm not sobbing. There are no noises coming from me, just so many tears building and falling simultaneously.

"We're going to start you on chemotherapy next week. We have an aggressive treatment plan for you, aiming to give you as much time as we can. We're already in the process of trying to find you a bone marrow transplant match, if that's something that we determine is beneficial for you."

I glance over and see Emelia is crying too, except she's quietly whimpering. Instantly I imagine my parents' faces, my brother's, and, of course, Calum's. The thought of seeing him crumble like this physically hurts. My chest aches, imagining him feeling the way Emelia and I feel right now. I already feel horrible, knowing the way this will impact Emelia's life, and everyone else's life. I am so scared to wreak such havoc on everyone's lives. I don't want them to hurt this much.

I don't want to hurt this much.

Dr. Harris rattles off more about the treatment plan, handing me a brochure about the chemotherapy drug they've selected for me, and on the back of it is a list of dates and times for the appointments that I'll come in for treatment over the next several months.

She says to call if we have any questions, understanding that right now isn't a good time for us to actually say anything or ask questions. Once her spiel is over, she says that we can take our time leaving, and they are going to check me out at the desk so we don't have to stop on our way out. Dr. Harris also has Russell bring me a pack of Oreos again, even though I didn't pass out today. I don't say anything, not even 'thank you' when he hands me the cookies.

Emelia is silent, too.

I'm not sure how long we both sit there crying, but eventually I realize how thirsty I am. I don't want to ask anyone for water. I don't want to speak to anyone. I want to go home and drink a gallon of water so I can cry it out and drink more and cry it out again.

"Can we leave?" I croak.

She takes a deep breath. "Yeah."

We both just look at each other, and the next thing I know, I'm laughing. Not a lot, and not loudly, but I'm laughing, and so is Em. Maybe I'm hysterical.

"God this is so fucked," she breathes out.

I laugh again. "I know."

Neither one of us has stopped crying, but the tears have subsided enough that I can see when we walk out. Em and I walk with our arms linked together, both of us wiping our eyes periodically so tears aren't just rolling freely. The LA sun outside is harsh, but the warmth is nice opposed to the cold, sterile hospital room.

Em unlocks her car as soon as we can see her rear bumper in the parking lot. I'm caught off guard when I hear someone calling my name.

"Orion!"

It's Ashton.

"Orion! Emelia! Guys, wait up!"

All I can think is 'fuck.'

I knew he was spending the day at a hospital, but I didn't think it would be this hospital.

Emelia and I both tense up and halt in our tracks. He's seen us, and he knows we heard him, and he undoubtedly saw our blubbering and crying. There's no escaping this conversation.

His footsteps come closer, quickly, and he jogs in front of us to catch up with us.

"Woah," he says when he sees us close up. "What's going on? Are you guys okay?"

I look over at Emelia and we lock eyes. I nod to her, and she knows what it means; she unlocks her arm from mine and continues walking to her car, leaving me to discuss this with Ashton alone.

"Not really?" My words come out as a question, even though it's a statement.

Ash's expression softens. "Come here." He holds his arms open, expecting me to walk into them for a hug.

I shake my head. I have to say it all before he can offer me comfort.

He looks hurt when I don't accept his offer. I don't know if I can watch his face morph even more when I tell him the truth.

"Please don't be mad," I say, quietly, and it almost sounds like a whimper.

His eyes are pitying while he nods. "Of course, I'm here to support you, what's going on? I saw you guys walking and I needed to make sure you were okay."

Ashton reaches a hand out to try to touch my shoulder, but I shrug it off.

I close my eyes, because I don't know how to look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. "I just got diagnosed with stage three leukemia."

I'm met with silence, and when I take a peek through my eyelids to see if Ashton is still there, I see that he's crying now. It makes me feel even worse.

"Please don't be mad," I repeat.

Ashton looks so confused and upset, and he looks at me with his kind eyes that are almost painful to look into right now. "How can I be mad at you?"

Right, that's fair. How could my friend be mad at me for having cancer?

I close my eyes again. Even though they're squeezed tightly shut, tears still slip out onto my cheeks. I'm impressed that I still have more tears to cry. "Please don't tell Calum."

I wait for the words to sink in before I open my eyes again, and when I do, Ashton looks even more confused and upset than he already did.

"Why not?"

I have to take far too many deep breaths after he asks that to avoid sobbing or choking on my words when I actually say them. I realize I don't have to follow through. I could still tell Calum. I could still tell him and let him be there for me and not keep this from him.

I could, but I also can't.

"He doesn't know."

Ashton nods, processing the words.

"And I'm not going to tell him until after the tour."

While the words hang in the air, Ashton is still just thoughtful, mulling my words over and letting them float, but when they sink in, they plummet. Hard. Fast. He's mad quickly thereafter.

"What?"

"I don't want him to know."

I watch something flash in his eyes and notice his jaw is clenched. "Orion—"

I cut him off. "You're not going to change my mind."

"You have to—"

"I don't have to do anything."

"Will you let me—"

"Ashton, I'm not telling—"

"LET ME SPEAK!" He roars, causing a few heads in the parking lot to turn towards us, and I shrink into myself. "You have to tell him. He worships you. He'd do anything for you. You have to let him know that the girl he loves is..."

When he trails off, it really sets in. I frown at him.

"I have to tell him the girl he loves is dying?"

I know that's what he was going to say, or at least that's what he meant.

"Do you know how bad that would hurt him?" I whisper. I still am having a hard time looking him in the eyes. I can't imagine how hard it would be to tell Calum.

Ashton opens his mouth to try to speak several times, but he never actually says anything.

"I know it's fucked. I just... I just can't tell him. I know you don't agree, and I don't expect anyone to, but it's my life and it's my relationship and it's my diagnosis to share. It's not yours, and it's not Emelia's."

Ashton nods, and I think he starts to understand what my thought process is. He's still crying, and I am too, and I think we're at a point in the conversation that I can hug him. Without warning, I step forward and throw myself at him, embracing him with every bit of strength I can. He hugs me back instantly.

"Please, please don't tell him," I beg.

He sniffles, lets out a tiny sob, and nods. "Okay, I promise."

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