#calliope shitposts

having almost nothing to do with the 60 excruciating minutes I just spent in the dentist's chair

Jonathan Joestar - 0/10 - a good boy, would follow social norms, but existed before the age of modern dentistry and thus knows only the man who comes round to pull rotten teeth and nightly gargling with bicarbonate of soda. incisors are comprised of whale bone and asbestos

Joseph Joestar - 2/10 (would consist of periodic winking) - by the time you get him into the chair after he's chased every nurse in the building and started a full fledged tongue depressor war with the orthodontist (so many splinters, RIP), the staff just gives Granny Erina the free toothbrush kit that my current dentist has literally never once given me and tells them they're on their fucking own

Jotaro Kujo - 10/10* - does not trust strangers in general, let alone ones who are gonna fuck around in his mouth by choice?? like. who chooses that as a profession. *the caveat is joot has never actually been seen by a dentist in his life, bc eye contact begins well before the exam even starts and the doctor just nopes tf out of the entire city

Josuke Higashikata - 6/10 (mostly nervous glances) - precious son is terrified of the dentist, tf is all that drilling noise you can hear from the waiting room anyway, why would they need nitrous oxide, why would anyone need to be sedated just to get their damn teeth brushed...😬(except with a pompadour)... so his hot mom has to bribe him with a video game literally every checkup. his teeth are always rife with cavities, but grandpa would take him to those appointments and josuke would actually be super brave on those ones. in theory Tonio could fix any new dental issues, but Tonio refuses to ever use his stand on Josuke out of sheer pettiness

Giorno Giovanna - 10/10 - he's a weird kid

Jolyne Cujoh - 7/10 - child support did not cover dental benefits so JoJoh has a whole backlog of government-funded visits ahead of her at Green Dauphin State Penn. when you don't go to the dentist for a while your cleanings consist of a process called scaling, which is just...multiple sessions of scraping and it sucks. she is highly likely to keep an eye on the almost certainly volunteer hygienist doing all this work on her.

Johnny Joestar - 3/10 - he goes to Gyro's grill man who ordinarily he'd want to watch bc would you trust or feel comfortable closing your eyes for an extended period of time around a dude who created All That? but cowboy dentist uses cowboy methods which in this case involve getting shit ass drunk with everybody beforehand so Johnny is passed out cold during the cleaning and wakes up with clean teeth actually but also a tattoo on his ass that says AQUA FRESH on either cheek

Inspired by this amazing post by @uminozerol I can't believe I actually followed through on this i hope this means my executive is functioning again omg anyway: (and I don't wanna hear shit from you gremlins about "this phone came out in 2003" It's about the energy of the era okay!):

Bruno Bucciarati

Bruno was that guy with a lot of communication devices, for crime reasons (which btw is why such devices used to be banned in schools). To wit:

Crime beeper, but you gotta make sure those payphones aren't up on the wire Booch

Blackberry with the click wheel that was the first of the more elevated "pager🧐" type devices. U could get email on them so that's pretty cool. He had a Palm Pilot in the 90s but could never get it to sync to his PC, mostly because his PC was running MS-DOS and yknow what was probably actually still just a word processor lbh.

But I'll be damned if my man isn't seen with the sexiest newest whip on the market, before it hits the market, even if he doesn't know what half the functions are. So he gets a Razr, which I understand is hot and new again. Hits the globe key once and incurs $39,768 in data usage fees.

Pannacotta Fugo

Nokia 5110. Sturdy. Reliable. Always there when you need it. Won't leave you in a lurch when the going gets tough. He sees no need to update to a newer model, and amuses himself by changing the face plates to the most crude and offensive things that one mall kiosk has to offer. Also you can crack someone's orbital bone if you bring the corner of one of these suckers down on their face. Probably the kind of phone Naomi Campbell used.

Leone Abbacchio

one of these construction hat yellow Nextels that let you chirp on it like a walkola-talkola because he's still got that boot shoved way way down his throat but nobody ever chips him on it bc nobody ever needs to speak with Leone Abbacchio that urgently. He wears it on the belt clip that you have to buy separately.

Guido Mista (i accidentally put this in order of when they joined the gang I think..like I did this at random and put it in my notes at random and still I- )

This boy grew up thinking a car phone inside a Cadillac was the height of class and he's not wrong so he owns the car phone, but not the car. Even more unfortunately for mista, these things don't actually need to be installed in a car in order to work? So imagine Guido "Swagnificent" Mista hanging on the street corner with one of these 26-lb beauties hanging on his shoulder, cord all kinked for no reason, antenna out the back, lookin' fly for the ladeez. You can't because he doesn't.

Narancia Ghirga

SIDEKICK! So fun for The Teens amirite MTV?? It flips horizontal and Backstreet Boys vertical! Isn't that fun! And it has a whole keyboard but it's Abercrombie cool cos it's not a lame old blackberry like dad has! Limited edition Juicy Couture model bc that's the random image I clicked on and nothing could top that except for maybe von Dutch.

Giorno Giovanna

Abbacchio: Wh-

Giorno: ?

Abbacchio:

Bruno, 16: *snnnjrk* booty

Polpo: This is serious, my lad. We need to secure this 5 billion Italian money units worth of plunder before the feds seize my assets.