#calledunbound

Week 5 was a struggle for me. I have a hard time really caring about plate tectonics, or dinosaurs, or giants, or all the controversial science topics out there. I was really uninterested in the topic. The speaker did a good job presenting the information, I just really couldn’t connect with it. It was really weird because the enemy was really using tiny, random things the speaker would do to trigger things from my past. I didn’t want to see him or be around him. After talking to my leaders, however, I realized it really had nothing to do with him and everything to do with what was being triggered. That was hard to accept because it was much easier to put the blame on him and try to avoid it that way. 

We had an amazing speaker that week for our track focus. She came and told her testimony of her daughter who had been trafficked. It was so overwhelming and my heart just broke for that situation. The worst part was that the daughter wasn’t completely out of the trafficking industry. We all prayed for that speaker and her daughter’s situation. We went out onto a street called Tropicana where the speaker had said her daughter frequently used to be forced to prostitute. We did a prayer walk and tried to speak to anyone we saw on the street.

Week 2 was one of my favorites! The speaker was amazing! His name was Rich and his wife Lynn and friend David spoke a little bit too. From the first class I could tell he was very spirit filled and prophetic. I was really excited to see how the week would play out. Some of the girls were SUPER skeptical and I was frustrated because of that. I didn’t want to feel like my beliefs put me in a different category because I wasn’t skeptical and hesitant about prophecy and things like that. I was so familiar with it because of being a part of the Kidzablaze ministry team for the 3 years I was with them. That quickly disappeared and the week was really good for most of us. :)

One of the very first things Rich had us do what to order 3 words in the order we felt like they belonged. The words were Believe, Behave and Belong. For many of us we put felt that they belonged in the order, “ We believe that we have to behave in order to belong.” Rich gave us an example of an iceberg in which our thoughts, emotions and behaviors were above the surface and our beliefs were the part below the surface. He explained that if we BELIEVE a lie it leads to destructive THOUGHTS which lead to unhealthy EMOTIONS which lead to messed up BEHAVIOR. It was really powerful to see how all those things were connected. WHY you do what you do really matters.

The second morning was SO powerful. Rich gave us this incredibly eye-opening example of how we put up walls for everyone around us. It’s just like Disneyland....a bunch of walls with nice paint to make it attractive. On one side of the wall are those in life we are trying to please and those that put expectations on us (parents, friends, bosses, government, siblings, teachers, coaches, leaders, spouse, God etc). Behind the wall are all the expectations we are trying to meet (appearance, success, love, acceptance, independence, work, perfection, respect, funny, loyal, control emotions, intelligence etc). The paint that we continuously pour on our wall is our feeble attempts at pleasing all of those with expectations for us. The funny part is, just like Disneyland, your life ends up being one big giant fantasy. Your behaviors and thoughts are so wrapped up in meeting the expectations of those people, you lose your identity and desires in life. Stress enters the picture and causes you to try harder, throw on more paint and fake it until you make it or die trying. At the end of that lecture David got up and played the guitar. He sang this super simple song that was one life...I’m so proud of you. It brought so many of us to tears because we really struggled to believe people were proud of us much less God. It was a really powerful time.

That afternoon we had a really amazing sharing time. Rich called it our own mini ‘AA’ meeting. We got before the class, said our name and something we were struggling with. I had shared a lot in my personal testimony time the previous week but I had omitted the fact that I struggled with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I really felt God urging me to share that with the class. I was really nervous, but I did it anyway. Rich addressed it afterward and told the entire class that he saw DID as an amazing gift from God for someone who has been so exposed to trauma to be able to survive. It was so validating to have him say that in front of everyone. 

The next day was super life changing. The weekend before Rich came, we were instructed to make masks out of paper mache. I made mine in a hurry and wasn’t very proud of it AT ALL. Wednesday afternoon, we were instructed to get into groups. We took turns holding up our masks and praying and asking God to give us things to speak over each other prophetically based on the design of our masks. It was incredibly powerful and accurate. For some girls it was the first time they’d ever experienced that and it was so awesome to watch that happen. I will make a second post with a picture of my mask and what was said about it. It was a very encouraging night.

Thursday was our last class with Rich. We did something really powerful. He had us talking about the names of God...comforter, king, peacemaker, lover, friend, provider etc. He sang a song over us and then urged us to all spread out around the building for 15 mins and really seek God and ask him to give us the name he calls us by. For me, it was a very frustrating time. I spent those 15 mins yelling at God and telling him I was tired of being used by him. I was tired of doing things for him and serving him. I had no idea what it was like to KNOW him and be known by him. I hated that. I wanted to be loved and accepted and cherished. I was tired of praying for people and hearing his voice for everyone else except myself. When we came back together as a group I was beyond frustrated.

We got in the middle of our circle 6 at a time and shared the name God had given us. Someone would say their name followed by the name God gave them and we would all repeat it after them affirming what God had done. When all 6 had shared we all surrounded them in the middle and prayed over them. Then 6 more would go. I wasn’t the only one who didn’t get a name from God that day, but I was still very angry and didn’t want to be in the middle of that circle. It came to my turn. I started to cry. I told everyone how I felt used by God. I felt like he wanted to use me like almost everyone else in my life had. I didn’t hold anything back in that time. Rich spoke some prophetic things over me. He told me since I didn’t have a name I could say whatever I felt like in that moment and everyone would affirm me. After a while I finally mustered up the words, “I’m Jenny and I need support.” It felt so weird to admit that in front of everyone. I didn’t want to need anyone but I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. My sisters were very loving and supportive of me in that moment.