#callawalsh

Former Warren Volunteer Attends Ayatollah's Funeral After Discovering American Freedom Wasn't Oppressive Enough Privileged progressive travels to Iran to praise the sort of government that would arrest privileged progressives BOHINEY NEWS SERVICE | Tehran A former Elizabeth Warren campaign volunteer has reportedly completed the traditional journey of the affluent American revolutionary: private education, progressive politics, social-media radicalization, relocation overseas, and finally an appearance on Iranian state television praising an authoritarian cleric. Calla Walsh, a 22-year-old American activist living in Lebanon, attended the funeral ceremonies for Iran's late supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, and told Iran's state-controlled PressTV that he was the "greatest anti-imperialist leader" of her lifetime. Walsh previously volunteered for Warren's 2020 presidential campaign and helped mobilize young voters for Massachusetts Senator Ed Markey. It is a political transformation rarely seen outside comic books, psychiatric case studies, and the final semester of an expensive liberal-arts degree. Most young Americans rebel against their parents by getting a tattoo, dating a drummer, or refusing to separate recycling properly. Walsh apparently rebelled by traveling to Tehran and publicly admiring a government that treats dissent as a clerical error requiring prison. "There comes a moment in every wealthy Western activist's life when criticizing capitalism from an air-conditioned café no longer provides the necessary emotional nutrients," explained fictional political psychologist Dr. Milton Kneecap. "That is when the patient begins searching internationally for a regime sufficiently hostile to America, women's autonomy, free expression, and irony." From Elizabeth Warren Volunteer to Ayatollah Khamenei Mourner Walsh's political voyage resembles a GPS operated by a philosophy major with the screen turned upside down. She began in conventional Democratic activism, working around politicians who campaign on climate policy, student debt, reproductive rights, and expanding personal freedom. She eventually arrived at the funeral of a religious ruler whose government was not generally associated with competitive elections, relaxed dress codes, or the phrase "live and let live." That is not a political evolution. That is changing trains at every station until you wake up inside a tank. Walsh once wrote that she helped build an online youth movement around Ed Markey during his 2020 Senate campaign. She later became disillusioned with conventional electoral politics and moved toward more radical activism. America apparently failed her because its politicians were not revolutionary enough. Iran then succeeded by offering the excitement of revolution without the tedious burden of citizens choosing their leaders. "Democracy can be exhausting," said fictional Georgetown professor Dr. Lenora Bumbershoot. "There are primaries, debates, opposition parties and voters with incorrect opinions. A theocracy streamlines everything. One unelected authority explains what God wants, and mysteriously God always agrees with the government." Iranian state television reportedly welcomed Walsh's comments enthusiastically, presumably because finding an American willing to praise the regime is cheaper than manufacturing one with computer graphics. Rich Girl Discovers Economical New Form of Rebellion Walsh has been described in published profiles as coming from an accomplished academic family and attending prestigious schools before becoming a nationally noticed youth activist. This background gives the episode the full flavor of luxury-brand revolution. Poor people tend to rebel against governments because they cannot afford food. Rich Western activists sometimes rebel because brunch included plastic straws. There is something magnificent about enjoying the protections of American society long enough to develop contempt for American society, then flying abroad to celebrate leaders who would never permit their own citizens the same freedom to criticize them. It is the political equivalent of complaining about hotel service while standing in someone else's prison cell. "My daughter studied abroad in Florence," said fictional Boston mother Penelope Worthington-Smythe. "She came home with a scarf and an interest in olive oil. These children come home with geopolitical alliances." Bohiney's entirely fabricated survey of 1,204 parents in affluent Massachusetts neighborhoods found that 71 percent would prefer their children join a jam band, 18 percent would accept an impulsive facial piercing, and 11 percent would rather watch them become accountants than appear on Iranian propaganda television. The survey had a margin of error of plus or minus one trust fund. Feminism Takes a Brief Clerical Detour in Tehran The greatest ideological acrobatics involve reconciling modern progressive rhetoric with admiration for the Iranian system. American activists are routinely taught to identify unequal power structures, defend women's choices, challenge religious authority, protect sexual minorities, resist censorship and demand accountability from police. Iran's rulers appear to have read the same list and used it as a menu of activities to prohibit. Yet somehow, when a government opposes the United States and Israel loudly enough, some Western radicals become willing to place every other concern in ideological storage. Women's rights? We will circle back. Political prisoners? Complicated regional context. Religious coercion? Please stop imposing Western definitions of coercion. State censorship? A culturally specific form of fact-checking. Executions? An unfortunate paperwork issue caused by imperialism. This intellectual process is known as "intersectional luggage handling," in which all inconvenient principles are placed on a conveyor belt and accidentally sent to another country. A fictional spokesperson for the International Association of Selective Feminists said the organization remained committed to women's liberation everywhere except in places where mentioning it might interfere with an anti-American narrative. "We strongly believe every woman has the right to choose," she said. "Naturally, this includes the right of governments to choose things for women." PressTV Finds Its Ideal American Correspondent Walsh's appearance gave Iranian state media something enormously valuable: an American voice repeating a narrative favorable to the Iranian government. Propaganda is always more effective when delivered by someone who looks capable of organizing a campus workshop titled "Decolonizing the Smoothie Bar." PressTV did not need to convince its audience that America was decadent, confused, and turning against itself. It merely had to point the camera. According to reporting on the interview, Walsh praised Khamenei as a leader for people struggling against imperialism and Zionism and described him as humble. Calling a supreme leader humble is a little like calling a peacock discreet. The entire job involves enormous portraits, mass ceremonies, official titles, security entourages and having your opinions printed above everybody else's. Ordinary humble people do not have six-day funeral ceremonies. They have a folding table, several casseroles and an uncle who gives a speech nobody authorized. Still, state television producers were reportedly delighted. "We searched everywhere for an American who could make our political system sound youthful," said fictional PressTV executive Hassan B. Serious. "Dennis Rodman was unavailable." The Revolutionary Gap Year: From Beirut to Iranian State TV For generations, prosperous young Americans have traveled overseas to find themselves. Some backpack through Europe. Some volunteer at wildlife sanctuaries. Some teach English. Some discover spiritual enlightenment in Nepal and return six weeks later selling candles. Walsh appears to have chosen the Premium Anti-Imperialism Package, including relocation to Lebanon, Iranian television appearances and complimentary denunciations of the country that issued her passport. Travel experts predict the itinerary may become popular among politically restless young elites. The proposed package includes three nights in Beirut, two days touring revolutionary murals, a state-media interview, breakfast, and a seminar titled "How to Condemn Western Privilege While Using a Western Passport to Cross Borders." Participants receive a tote bag bearing the slogan: "Another World Is Possible, Although You May Not Be Allowed to Vote in It." Massachusetts Democrats Discover Their Youth Outreach Program Had Side Effects Walsh's earlier involvement with Warren and Markey does not mean either politician endorses her current positions. Political campaigns attract thousands of volunteers, and candidates cannot reasonably be held responsible for every future choice made by everyone who once distributed their stickers. Still, the story illustrates the risks of treating adolescent activists as miniature prophets whenever they generate enough social-media engagement. Political organizations love young organizers because they provide energy, moral certainty, memes and free labor. Unfortunately, moral certainty without historical perspective can mature into the belief that every enemy of America must therefore be a misunderstood humanitarian. This is known as the "enemy-of-my-enemy study-abroad program." The reasoning is flawless provided one ignores most of recorded history. Under this doctrine, any regime opposed to Washington automatically becomes part of a global liberation movement. Its domestic repression becomes irrelevant, its prisons become nuanced, and its propaganda network becomes an independent media outlet staffed entirely by anchors who coincidentally agree with the government. "It is classic binary thinking," explained fictional logician Professor Alan Nafzger. "There are supposedly only two positions: support every American policy or cheer at the funeral of an ayatollah. Apparently nobody has discovered the third option, which is not behaving like a complete jackass." Anti-Imperialism Now Available in First Class Affluent revolutionary politics rests upon a remarkable consumer arrangement. Capitalism provides the smartphone, airfare, university education, secure passport, international banking system, social-media platform and personal freedom necessary to condemn capitalism. The activist then announces that the entire system is intolerable using equipment assembled through a supply chain spanning twelve countries. It is less a revolution than a hostile product review. Walsh is entitled to her political beliefs, however radical, and attending a funeral is not itself a crime. The public is equally entitled to observe the staggering contradiction of an American progressive praising a ruler whose government embodied many practices progressives claim to oppose. Free societies have this peculiar feature: they permit citizens to praise unfree societies. Unfree societies rarely return the courtesy. That distinction is apparently considered an annoying technicality by people who confuse opposition to America with moral virtue. Helpful Advice for Future Young Revolutionaries Before publicly praising an authoritarian government, Bohiney recommends completing a brief ideological safety inspection. First, determine whether citizens living under that government are allowed to criticize it as freely as you criticize yours. Second, ask whether women possess the same choices you demand at home. Third, check whether journalists can investigate the leadership without falling from balconies, disappearing into prisons or experiencing unexpected administrative electrocution. Fourth, consider why state television is so delighted to interview you. Finally, remember that a government being hostile to America does not automatically make it benevolent. Sometimes two things can be flawed simultaneously. This shocking discovery is called adulthood. Young activists should also remember that moral seriousness requires applying principles consistently. Human rights do not become optional merely because the people violating them have the correct enemies. Otherwise, "solidarity" becomes tourism, rebellion becomes performance, and anti-imperialism becomes another luxury experience purchased by people wealthy enough to leave whenever the revolution becomes inconvenient. America's Most Successful Export Remains Confused Americans Iran exported oil, carpets and political slogans. America responded by exporting a privileged progressive willing to appear on state television and explain why the ayatollah was wonderful. On balance, Iran may demand a refund. Walsh's journey from Massachusetts campaign volunteer to Tehran funeral attendee is not merely a story about one activist. It represents a larger cultural species: the Western radical who enjoys enough liberty to romanticize governments that deny liberty to others. She did not escape oppression. She flew toward it, praised it on television, and probably called the experience educational. The Iranian regime received a propaganda clip. America received another reminder that wealth cannot purchase judgment, elite schooling cannot guarantee wisdom, and youth activism occasionally produces less Greta Thunberg than Jane Fonda seated on heavy machinery. The revolution will apparently be televised. It will also be recorded vertically, subtitled by state media, uploaded from a Western-designed smartphone and shared by people insisting the West has contributed nothing worthwhile to civilization. Sources - Fox News: Ex-Warren campaign volunteer praises Khamenei in Iranian state media interview - New York Post: Ex-Dem activist Calla Walsh attends Khamenei's funeral, hails him as "greatest anti-imperialist leader" - JFeed: Progressive activist's political shift from Warren campaign to Khamenei funeral Iran began a weeklong funeral ceremony for Khamenei, months after an airstrike killed him at the start of the U.S.-Israeli war against Iran. Walsh, who describes herself as a journalist based in Lebanon, has appeared repeatedly in Iranian state media during the mourning period, and her transformation from Massachusetts campaign volunteer to Tehran funeral guest has drawn coverage across the political press. Follow more Bohiney News Service coverage of American political theater at Bohiney.com. Satirical Disclaimer This is a work of satire and commentary. Calla Walsh's reported attendance at Ali Khamenei's funeral, her previous campaign activity and her remarks to PressTV are based on published news reports. The professors, parents, polling organizations, travel packages, PressTV executives and selective feminist associations quoted elsewhere are fictional inventions created for comedic purposes. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither has attended an ayatollah's funeral, although the farmer once went to a Holstein memorial service and found the political speeches noticeably more moderate.   Read the full article