#calathra

I haven't written in ages, it feels like.  I'm sorry.

It's been a tumultuous month, and now, I'm in Orr.  I've discovered I hate it here.  Something about it feels choking, oppressive... it's as though I've been cut off from the sun.  I don't like feeling like this, but I would like giving up and returning to Lion's Arch even less.

I recently took some time off to visit the Grove and Divinity's Reach.  I've missed my families so much.  Since buying the house and visiting the Reach too often, I'd run into problems with being unable to afford to go as often as I should... a problem solved by West.

West has me utterly confused.  When I'm with him, it's fun and I enjoy our time together very much.  He makes me laugh a lot, and he's very understanding about Aurora.  But it's his generosity that has me so discombobulated.

It was good to see Tahlia and Parth again.  I've missed my friends while I was gone!  Tahlia's still acting weird, though.  I need to talk to her.

And to see Isaac, and Nathan, and Gojk, and Laezela...

And I really want to spend some time with West again soon.

I can do this.  I knew what Parth's choice would be, and I know what I plan to do in response.  I plan to be as happy for my friends as I am for Isaac and Laezela.

After all, Tahlia deserves this more than I do.

While thinking this through last night, my chat with Zairik got mixed in there.  He volunteers at a fahrar.  Sylvari don't have children, but I don't see any reason why I couldn't spend some time helping out at an orphanage, teaching children to read or seeing if they have magic capabilities I could help with or something.  I doubt they'd let me actually adopt a child, but by spending my days off helping out, I can at least work with children.  I can't get to Divinity's Reach as often as I'd like to, and they wouldn't be Aurora, but it's something.

It was pretty and all ceremonial and everyone involved seemed so... happy.  Yay for my friends!

I finally got to meet Araela, who is the second-most adorable child I have ever known.

It made me a bit sad, missing Devlin and Aurora.  But a good kind of sad, instead of the 'must go get drunk and wallow' sad.  I'm still having nightmares about Inquest, but the intensity's gone from them and I don't remember details when I wake up in the morning.

Once again I swear it: no more rum.

My dreams last night... that's what getting so drunk was for, to not have those.  Like any memory of a dream, it's all disjointed and jumbled and mixed up now, but I'm still putting it out here.

We were fighting the bears.  And right when I cut the collar from one, I noticed its rider - Aurora.  She had a similar collar, and I couldn't find the mercy in myself to overcome the horror and cut the collar from her.  I watched in despair as she killed Tahlia and West, until Parth cut the collar from her with his dying blow.  Seeing her lifeless body... not to mention the bodies of the people I'd failed to save...

I woke up in tears and shaking so hard I'm surprised I didn't wake anyone.  I did a quick check of my wounds... everything but the bite on my arm has healed to the point where I'm not going to let it slow me down, but the arm is a bit swollen and it hurts to move quickly.  I'm becoming rather injury-prone it seems.  But it shouldn't affect my ability to go for a run.

I hope Parth's not too mad at me for speaking honestly last night, but he needed to hear it.  Tahlia's my friend too, and even if they keep fighting, I don't want to have to choose between them.  And yes she was being ridiculous by not accepting the free drink from him - she's accepted drinks from me - but he was being ridiculous by getting so upset about it.  It's a drink.  Unless he's jealous of West, I suppose, but he never said anything about that.

Tahlia's so happy with her new guns, and they are perfectly made for her.  West is good!  She was leaving when I got back, so I didn't get the chance to talk to her yet.

I still need to talk to Farfalla.  And I haven't seen Gojk around lately...

I don't know where to start to organize my thoughts.

Farfalla made herself so sick last night... and wouldn't let me help her at all.  I hate seeing people I care about suffer, especially when I know I can help.  But she wouldn't let me... apparently because she was sucked into an alternate version of reality, where I was some sort of horrific torturer.

If I hadn't done something wrong before, Parth seeing me like that seems to have made things wrong between us now.  I don't blame him, it must have been frightening, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.

Between naps, I tried to imagine it... and it was frighteningly easy.  I thought I'd started to get past this, to have a little more faith in myself, but this has brought all that old self-doubt right back to the front of my mind.  Will it be like this forever?  Will I never be able to look in the mirror and be completely at peace?  Maybe it would help if I could find someone willing to talk about what it was like over there, but I don't know who would.  They weren't there very long, I'm sure.

Parth returned today!  I was so happy to see him.  He didn't disappear forever!

He was acting kind of strange, and Tahlia took off, and I'm not quite sure what to make of things.

I don't care what Tahlia says, I think she and West 'like' like each other.  And I hope it works out for them.  West is a good man and Tahlia is a good woman and they both deserve to be happy.

What did she mean 'I'll leave you alone'?  I've never minded her company before no matter who else was there, and she and Parth don't seem to be having problems getting along...

And Parth... he had trouble looking at me, and I couldn't seem to make him smile.  He said nothing was wrong, but he was clearly uncomfortable being alone with me, and I don't know what I did.

I... for some reason, it feels worse with him than when I thought I had offended Caleb enough that he wouldn't speak to me.  I was angry then, but this just has me confused and somewhat hurt.

West said that sometimes men are shy about... no, that's ridiculous.  He doesn't 'like' like me.  Why would he?