#caesar route

Last time on the Caesar Route, Caesar got stabbed on the Ides of March.

Also the big un-foreshadowed twist was brought to you by a dirty liar! Also Viggo is here for some reason.

Caesar is way too calm about this. Maybe Viggo is just a DnD barbarian then.

Oh my god I totally forgot he got stabbed.

So Mischa the doomsday cat shows up after being gone for a million years and shows Liz and Caesar to a hiding place in a shack. Caesar passes out and Liz casts a healing spell on him. Mischa then brings up how villainous Caesar apparently is, which I have no comment on because I fucking forgot what she’s talking about. She points out that Liz must be in love with him because why else would she show basic human decency, yada yada yada.

Huh. Not the kind of line you’d expect from a dating sim like this.

Liz tells Mischa that she can’t trust Caesar because of all the lies he’s said, which is a smart decision. Mischa tells her that the only way to proceed now is to basically real life block him.

What a smart decision! I’m sure we’ll definitely follow it.

.....Right?

YOU REALLY SHOULD. But the only choice that moves that stupid fucking love meter is the dumbass one.

Girl this is literally one of the stupidest decision you’ve made on this app. And that’s really fucking saying something! Mischa is literally out here telling you that you need to block his ass, but you literally won’t just because the plot says so. Fuck this plot. I know I said that I don’t really believe the twist because of the bad writing, but with Solmare, you can really only take their writing at face value.

Nobody speaks for what has got to be several awkward hours until Caesar wakes up. He’s surprised Liz is still here.

Now is literally not the time. 

And Liz agrees, because she gets pissed off about all his lies. Nobody gives a straight answer for at least eleven clicks until Caesar reveals he became a prefect by cheating with Zett’s help. Then he is about to reveal something that is probably along the lines of “I need the Star Sapphire to break my stupid ass otome pig curse” but the chapter cuts off before we get a straight answer.

Wasn’t there some plot thread about the end of the world 5 chapters ago?

Last time on the Caesar route, Liz and Caesar visit a circus run by a child abuser that Caesar stayed at? Was trapped at? Unclear. Caesar tries to kill the Ringmaster but Liz stops him. I’m sure the ensuing argument will be very well-thought out and not childish or lacking in nuance at all.

I’m scheduling this for the Ides of March because what better way to celebrate the Ides of March than by airing a segment of the route for the guy named Caesar? It was divine inspiration. I just really hope a fight comes in this chapter so that I can make stab jokes.

Liz and Caesar escape from the Ringmaster through the window and are pursued through the streets by the circus workers, who have decided that they should totally just stab Caesar. Caesar slows them down with nonlethal magic and they escape into an alleyway.

Caesar finally gives up his backstory with the circus. It’s where he met Zett too, apparently, and they began stealing food because the circus did not meet OSHA or child labor standards. Liz and Caesar have a Touching Moment of Connection, but then the carnies catch up to them.

The carnies have them surrounded, so Liz and Caesar fight their way out with magic. 

How big is this fucking circus??

So then the Ringmaster comes and is all like “Oh, I’m not a villain! Im just a poor little meow meow. The real villain is the abuse survivor next to you!” The Ringmaster tries to spin the story to make the circus the good guys? I’m going to assume that’s just a straight up lie. And then the Ringmaster reveals everything Caesar just said as if its some big reveal.

I literally can’t keep track of these twists anymore.

And then the twist is “Caesar illegally entered the magic academy.” However that’s possible. And that he plans to steal the treasure of the academy. Which makes no sense because academy security is so lax that if he was really going to do that he literally would have already done that.

Bitch, what threads!!

I’m gonna need this man to shut the fuck up, pronto.

So apparently this is The Plan. The Big Twist. The Reveal. Maybe I just haven’t been paying a ton of attention to this route but this doesn’t feel properly foreshadowed. Or maybe it’s because they already established that the Ringmaster is a huge liar so you can’t really trust anything he says. Jesus, who was in charge of writing this reveal?

That’s the plot of like at least a quarter of these romance routes. 

So in conclusion, I guess the real traitor was Caesar! I suppose some dramatic “et tu’s” are in order?

The carnies make the 40 Roman senators and attack Caesar (and also Liz) while Liz is reeling from the Big Reveal (if it’s even true or going to stick). 

Holy shit!!! I can’t believe this! And on the Ides of March too!!!! I can’t. This is too perfect.

I mean, that question kind of answers itself, doesn’t it?

So Caesar is protecting Liz from the carnies, she can’t fucking fight, FOR SOME REASON!!! And then mist ex machina pours into the alley, which takes the form of a giant fist.

.......... Scanlan Shorthalt?

So Scanlan’s Hand fights off the carnies and apparently the guy who cast it is that asshole from the detention center. Woo /s. Viggo joins the fight and is an asshole about it because how else would he act? And he causes a shit ton of property damage, because he wasn’t enough of a shithead.

And that brings us to the conclusion of the Ides of March special! I’m so glad that Caesar got stabbed in these chapters because otherwise this would have been a really lackluster special.

Last time on the Caesar route, no actual interrogating of Zett ever gets done. Instead, Zett is allowed to villainously monologue at Caesar about how he’ll never change his past, which causes him to leave to be alone and then skip the prefect meeting the next morning.

So fun. I just love it when men tell women that they’re responsible for taking care of other men. If you’re so worried about Caesar, Alfonse, don’t be a coward. Take care of him yourself. 

I think that’s the most passive aggressive way I’ve ever said something like that.

So Liz goes into the Gedonelune Town to look for Caesar. She wonders if he went to see the Ringmaster that Zett mentioned last time, but someone approaches her.

Jesus, what is this, the love interest reunion?

Glenn’s back in town for work again. He says THIS, COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED:

Then he randomly brings up a circus that’s in town, presumably so Liz can make a leap of logic to assume that that’s where the Ringmaster and Caesar are. My theory is proven correct and Liz heads to the circus. After briefly getting distracted, she actually finds him there.

So I guess the plot is paused now? Cause Liz and Caesar just go to the circus. They pet some lions, which I’m 99% sure isn’t actually safe, and Caesar casually drops that the circus took care of him at one point, so Caesar is simultaneously fallen nobility, a former criminal, and a circus kid all in one. After a while, Caesar just disappears. Liz finds him in the back of the circus having a conversation with the Ringmaster, who turns out to be a child-exploiting dick, what a surprise /s. I guess now we know what Caesar actually meant by “the circus took care of him.”

Caesar reveals to the Ringmaster that he freed all the children, then attacks the Ringmaster. He’s about to kill him when Liz runs in to stop him with this incredibly weak excuse.

I’m just saying that there are OTHER arguments someone could make against this Solmare, it doesn’t have to be this simple.

People hear the commotion and start heading for the Ringmaster’s room, so Liz and Caesar prepare to escape. The Ringmaster is way too cocky for someone who was about to get murdered, and the chapter ends there.

Last time on the Caesar route, we learned that Magic Soldiers are not actually magic super soldiers, they’re just corpses carrying a black robe plague variant and also it’s all Zett’s fault.

Everybody confronts Zett, who gets pissed that Caesar “betrayed” him. Liz’s knee jerk reaction is to defend Caesar, and

Yeah I don’t think that reasoning with this guy should be strategy number one. Man’s literally making corpse foot soldiers out of the fucking black plague.

So Caesar breaks up with Zett, and Zett defaults to “of course it’s because you’re into the girl” and then Caesar basically confirms that. Zett calls him naive and THEN

Put that down as stuff I didn’t expect to hear from Zeus. 

Zett pulls a smoke bomb escape. Zeus and Hiro run after him, so Liz, Caesar, and Alfonse have to deal with the walking corpses. Liz asks Alfonse if the Mikhail cells from last route will work, and Alfonse thinks they will. It’s a good thing that they masters mass producing them last route, or something. I don’t remember much of the plot anymore.

Liz and Caesar hold down the corpses while Alfonse uses the Mikhail cells on them. The Mikhail cells are effective. Alfonse leaves to visit the Goldstein Lab to get more Mikhail cells, which I’m sure will go Very Smoothly considering the state of the head of the lab. But the important thing to THIS route is that Liz and Caesar are now ALONE. 

Caesar starts reminiscing about Zett.

If he was your magic mentor and you’re calling him a “man,” why does he look like he’s 14.

Caesar describes Zett as not a very good friend and reveals they grew up in the Forgotten City, which if memory serves is just... the alleyways in Gedonelune? Why are they called like they’re the ruins of some basic-ass YA novel location? Who knows who cares.

Liz says she always thought Caesar was from nobility, he corrects it to a fallen noble house.

What exactly did the House Baroque do wrong, exactly? Because from what I remember about the Day King shit and what’s actually been parroted over and over again is that the Day King did all the bad things.

So Liz and Caesar hold hands and THEN.

NOT NOW CAESAR.

But apparently Liz’s EARS HAVE STOPPED WORKING because she doesn’t react to anything he says and he just drops it.

Liz starts to think her feelings for Caesar are changing and then THIS asshole shows up and recites more poetry.

Here’s where I’d make a Steven Universe reference but I actually don’t know enough about Steven Universe to make a reference. But it’s not lost on me that this poetry includes diamonds, a rose quartz, and amethyst, AND a pearl. Just throw in a garnet and the sets basically complete.

Anyway Liz gets a coin and then the chapter ends.

And look guys, I try not to go too overboard with JoJo’s reference just because Caesar is named Caesar and he flirts alot, but like... the SECOND i was typing the caesar raphael tag, the battle tendency opening came on spotify shuffle. 

I didn’t choose the reference the reference chose me ig.

Last time on the Caesar Route, Caesar confesses the truth of his relationship with Zett and literally no one is mad at him, the gang splits up to find Zett and the Star Sapphire, then Hugo shows up and says a bunch of cryptic shit.

The next day or possibly just later that day after the sun rises, the prefect squad + deputy prefects Elias and Yukiya have their own meeting, which Alfonse hosts but Zeus keeps interrupting.

It’s been 5 routes. Let this bullshit superiority complex DIE. 

Despite that, Elias and Yukiya don’t give a shit and everyone agrees that they schooled him. Nice work, writers! For once.

The narrative gives a brief recap of the state of Alfonse, Elias, and Shithead’s relationship from the last route and conveniently leaves out all the reprehensible stuff Shithead did last route. Then, the meeting finally fucking starts and the group splits up to do their work.

Liz, Caesar, Elias, and Yukiya go to the library to find information on the Star Sapphire since this route doesn’t have a convenient pretty boy whose ancestral duty is to guard the doomsday object. Elias and Yukiya start searching the normie shelves while Liz and Caesar head to the restricted section. Liz suggests they search different bookshelves for efficiency, but Caesar is not thinking with his brain at the moment.

Brosky, I don’t think now’s the time for this.

Time passes and they find literally nothing on the Star Sapphire. Elias suggests they try to search the Gedonelune Royal Library. Then, the group decides to split up AGAIN with Elias and Yukiya going to the royal library while Liz and Caesar search the academy for the Star Sapphire. Remy shows up for a progress report and Liz asks him for insight about the Dragonkin, hoping it’ll point them in some kind of direction in their search.

Last time on the Caesar Route, Caesar gets turned into a pig by accident and goes to see an illegal potions dealer to turn back into a human instead of just having a designated kisser or smth. Also there’s a cat who might be Hugo and also the world is ending because of trumpet players.

I always knew it would be the trumpet players.

Ok it’s been a hot minute. I don’t remember ANY of this. I can’t even make a proper Star Platinum joke rn.

So Liz steps on a branch and Caesar’s drug dealer threatens to burn her, as you do, so she reveals herself and announces herself as Caesar’s friend. The drug dealer backs off and Liz asks where his visitor’s pass is, at which point he goes “hey hey hey no need to blow up on me” even though men have threatened Liz on this app with far worse. Including him literally ten lines ago.

This. And apparently he has a real permit. Which Liz checks and signs off as legit. Zett leaves and Caesar explains that he’s “an old friend that he happened to run into.”

Mmhm.

Caesar also reveals that his childhood nickname was Prince for some reason and “Star Sapphire” is slang for a girlfriend...? Well, it’s not the worst euphemism I’ve heard. Or maybe he’s lying and Star Sapphire is slang for whatever bad guy macguffin we’re gonna have to deal with this time.

Liz picks up on some weird vibes from Caesar so I’m inclined to think I’m at least stumbling in the right direction. He talks about his childhood nickname some more, and you know what? I’m just gonna say it. This app has too many goddamn princes.

Liz and Caesar do some flirting that I’m struggling to follow.

hey im pretty sure the JoJo’s Caesar did this too. 

So Liz and Caesar finish their roleplay (...?) but Liz is still thinks the vibes are off.

The next day, Liz is going to teach a Night Class and decides to stop at the Night Cafe and encounters my least favorite person.

So Zeus and Hiro have an anime rival argument

(What, you thought I was joking?)

Zeus apparently thinks he saw a wanted criminal on school grounds, but Hiro is convinced they wouldn’t be able to get past security. I’m skeptical since bad guys somehow keep finding their way PAST said security, but hey.

Zeus pulls out a newspaper to prove his point and Liz casually reveals she’s apparently helped them out as a reporter several times??? WHEN WAS THIS??? I bet this is referencing like a past event or some shit. 

The first article Liz draws attention to is literal army propaganda (/hj) and the “magic soldier” plan is being put into action. I think this was offhandedly mentioned in a past route but I cannot remember the context. Zeus points to the wanted man section aaaaaaaand

Zett is known as “King,” so now I’m thinking Caesar’s “childhood nickname” is actually a crime codename.

This is so funny but the JoJo’s Caesar also did crime-

Anyway Zett apparently does lots of crimes. Liz steals the newspaper from Zeus and runs away and I think it’s time for the trailer for next time. Alfonse and Elias present it and the next chapter is called “Hidden Identity”

Last year (lol) we finished up the Alfonse Route, so this year we’re starting the Caesar Route! Also, I’m gonna change up the posting schedule a little bit. I am extremely ahead of my queue (it is currently August 2022 when I’m writing this and this post will be aired in January), so I’m going to switch to a two post a week schedule. Posts will drop Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6 PM EST.

Now a quick recap on who Caesar is, he’s this pink haired dude from the House of Baroque and is cursed to turn into a pig whenever he makes out with someone. His introduction said it was “only when he kissed a girl” but multiple spinoffs and I think the main routes show that it happens even when he makes out with men so.. yeah. Also this is just.. a very otome-esque conflict to have.

Also Caesar Raphael shares his name with Caesar Zeppeli so... strap in for a potential shit ton of bad JoJo’s references.

Without further ado, let’s begin.

This better not be a sudden love confession. That’s too soon, even for Otome Land.

The chapter opens with a recap of Lucious’s backstory, how the Day King imprisoned him in a labyrinth cursed using Baroque magic. The Day King is super pumped because all of his problems go away and House Baroque gets stuck with the magical consequences, and they all spontaneously turn into pigs.

Liz launches into a Kissing Booth style explanation/montage of her backstory and the context of the last 4 routes, and we get confirmation that zombie disease happened in the same timeline as the Big Booty Wizard attack, so I’m surprised students still go to the Academy at all. There’s some ominous wording about the next problem, then we skip to Liz at the sport fields and sighing at Caesar.

Luca comes, and this isn’t helping my deep-fried-in-JJBA brain because dammit there was a jojo’s character named Luca too. Anyway WH Luca is not interested in playing the made-up wizard sport and instead seems more interested in who Liz was scoping out and somehow immediately pinpoints it to be Caesar.

Wasn’t it literally confirmed he was though? Like, why does it have to be a rumor?

Liz wisely declines giving Luca any information. Luca leaves, then Liz flashes back to an hour ago when Caesar asked to see her after what I assume was a class.

Boy I said NO love confessions in chapter 1.

“Sully”? That’s not helping your chances bud.

Luckily, this only ends with an “I like you” confession, which is more believable. Unfortunately, Liz doesn’t feel the same way. And unfortunately, I know that that’s going to change. So she lets Caesar down gently and he takes it well, and tells her he’ll try to do stuff to make her see him in a romantic light.

At least he’s making his intentions clear?

Then Alfonse walks in and asks him to join their Ladilz team, and Caesar enthusiastically joins, and Liz goes to watch the game. We flash back to an hour later, and Liz thinks about how much of a catch Caesar is.

No, really.

Gotta say, this route has quite a strong start. /gen