Nunnally smiled, uncertain what else she could do while listening to her guard and guide. What else could she say? She didn’t quite like how Captain Ningwei had addressed his general, and a brief tightening of her brows might have told him that calling Jiyan an idiot was not exactly welcome. But he corrected himself immediately, so she had no real chance to stand up for the man she had grown to care about so deeply. What a pity, indeed! She would have liked it.
She knew they stood no chance. Jiyan and her. Who was she to even imagine that she could win his heart? He was everything: young, brave, already recognized. The General of the Midnight Rangers. Nunnally had seen him in the capital city: how people listened to him, how his advice was valued, how important he was to the survival of his nation. Yes, he was someone special. One in millions.
…and he had the kindest smile she had ever seen. And his eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes. The way he looked at her; as if he…
But of course it was i m p o s s i b l e. Why would someone like him ever acknowledge someone like her? Because what was she, really? A spoiled daughter of a powerful man, well-versed in the lavish life -- but what could she actually do? Being a good hostess was all she had ever been raised for. Did he even need someone like her around him? And even if he did, what could she truly offer?
She would only be a burden. Someone to worry about. Someone who would make his duty even more difficult. And that was all assuming her father would accept Jiyan (which he would not). Because despite everything the young general was… well, he was not exactly what her father would imagine for his daughter’s husband.
And yet, even knowing all that – understanding and acknowledging the impossibility of her naïve, foolish dreams – whenever Nunnally was with Jiyan, it all seemed unimportant. As if they could face everything together. Overcome every difficulty. Because they --
No!; of course not. Jiyan did not love her. He could not, and he would not. But then why did Nunnally feel as if he did every time he was close? Every time he touched her; like in that lake, or when they were dancing… And if that feeling was real, then why, whenever he was gone, did doubt creep back so fiercely? That alone proved how unfitted she was for someone like him. For someone so bold, so powerful, so courageous.
It was wrong to hope. But it felt even worse not to.
“Hm…” – Nunnally murmured, suddenly realizing how rude she had been, failing to acknowledge the general’s friend. How ill-mannered! How clearly unfitted match for Jiyan! Why did her thoughts always circle back to that? Wondering whether Jiyan could truly care about a girl like her.
It was so hard to believe that everything that had happened between them that summer had not truly happened. Perhaps it did only because Jiyan didn’t know the real her. Would he still like her if he did? He would not. How could he? What would he think when he discovered she could not stand up to her father? That all her life she had tried to fulfil his wishes; even when she knew they were wrong, even when she knew it meant losing a piece of herself?
No. It was no good. Nunnally knew that the girl he had seen during those days together was not who she was anymore. Perhaps that young woman had only been the memory of someone she used to be. The final moments before the “old Nunnally” was to disappear, leaving only the noble lady her father wished her to become. And when the general would finally see the real her – the woman she was forced to become – what would he think?
His golden eyes would darken. And what would she see in them then? Not the usual kindness. Not that silent promise. Not hope. And not…love she sees despite everything? If not that then… what?
No! It was better to remain only a memory to him. Hopefully a cherished one, but still a memory. Nunnally shouldn’t dream anymore. She could not. She should simply accept what she was. Marry the man her father chose and --
But she did not want that either. She could not. She would not. Not after meeting Jiyan. So, what was left for her? She couldn’t become his lover, nor could she stay the flawless daughter her father expected. Nunnally didn’t know who she was anymore, and she didn’t know who she ought to become.
“I wish that were true… I wish I really were bold.” – she finally replied absent-mindedly to Captain Ningwei, acknowledging his praise.
And yet she missed Jiyan so much. Despite they were impossible.
He is here. He is coming to her.
And she is terribly unprepared. Nunnally has imagined their meeting differently. Panic rises within her. She doesn’t know what to do. She never imagined he would see her like this; here, almost in the middle of the military camp. Unprepared.
She has hoped… But what has she hoped for? Nunnally clutches the small plant in her hands; the mistletoe that has seemed like such a charming idea when she left the capital city. Now it feels like nothing more than a sad proof of her childishness. So, what is she supposed to do now?
Nunnally mutters disjointed words, building them into ridiculous sentences that barely make sense (to her). If only she could turn around and run; run as fast and as far as she could until she had no breath left and could collapse on the frozen ground and simply be forgotten.
Oh, I am sorry to embarrass you like this. To imagine things. To come here when I am not needed. Nor wanted…
But is that really true? Because when Nunnally looks into Jiyan’s golden eyes she suddenly sees that he does not think so at all. He is surprised, yes!, but glad? And even the silly plant, the ridiculous excuse, suddenly seems like something meant only to bring them together. And perhaps it does. Or perhaps it doesn’t matter. They would have ended up in each other’s arms anyway. And they kiss. As much as it should not be happening, it does. And strangely, it does not embarrass her the way she once imagined it would.
It is the kiss that makes her strong. The kiss that makes her bold. The kiss that makes her understand she cannot lose whatever fragile thing exists between them. Nunnally must try. Nunnally must fight. Her life will never be the same again, because she simply cannot; cannot return to her old ways of pleasing the man she calls father.
She cannot put the general in danger. How could she? But Nunnally has no more time for such thoughts.
She smiles as she presses her fingers gently against his lips, and then her own lips steal the rest of whatever he meant to say. She does not need to hear it. Somehow she already knows. Instead, she kisses him again; this time without the excuse of the green plant against the white landscape.
Simply because she wants to.
Let others look. It does not matter. Because Nunnally loves. And she is loved. The simple truth she has tried to deny for so long suddenly rings clear and pure in the most unexpected place. Yet perhaps this raw, open landscape is exactly where such a truth belongs. Nunnally is bold. She knows it now. And more than that: she believes it.
Jiyan lifts her into his arms. She came for this. Nothing else matters. Only this moment. Only them.
“I missed you.” – Nunnally finally whispers – “And I am so glad I came.”