#caddylog

t͇̻̫̟͌̎a͓̖̻͎̝̲̔ͧr̟͍̼̺͚͈̋g̓ͤ̅ë͙̗̹͇̝͇̭́̋̓ͪͨͧṫ̪͉͉͔̣ͨ̈́ͅ o͍͓͕͎͉͌ͥ͆̓ͅn̖̻̠̦̒ͧͯ̓e̲͓̝̲̖̿̏͗͂̏ ̩͖͑̿ͥͬ̍a̰͑̌̒͊͂ͫ̍c͈͙͈̰̋ͩ͒ͤ̒q͉̘̱̯̼̟͂́ͭ̑ù̹̙ͅḯ̤̟̬͎͇̓ͬr͕̗̝͍̻̃͑e̼̒ͭ͑ͭ͊͌̇ḓ̱͔̪̭̰ͮ̊ ͈͙̀ͦͬͥͣ

How long has it been since I was able to log the my days as they passed? Weeks? Months? Years? Being trapped in this cell makes me lose track of all the time that seems to pass me by. I only know it’s night and day by the times they come to feed me. I gave myself up to the scientists long ago, a trade of life if you could call it that. I would come work for them, if and only if they left everyone else alone. Sure, it seems like a rotten idea now, but at the time making sure my friends were safe is what had mattered to me most. For some odd reason they allowed my this journal, the same one I had previously. It’s mostly the same, though some words have been marked out and a few pages are gone completely. Evidence I guess. It doesn’t matter now. They’ve been prepping me for the final test, the event that will either make them rich or prove me right. All I can say for now is that Ian won’t be the only one seeing static.

Connor arrived a few weeks ago, and I still haven’t gotten any better. I’ve started to have dreams about it all again. That building. Those things. Shane. Ian. Luke. It’s getting hard to cover it up, especially when Ian keeps trying to pry into it. I’ve had to hide this journal in order to keep him from reading about all of this. If he knew, I don’t know what I would do. There seems to be something wrong with my head and whatever it is I honestly can’t seem to figure out. I flipped through some of my entries and they seem to repeat in places. The headaches. The dreams. The static. Could it be? That’s impossible-

My headaches are getting worse. I’m losing track of the days and I honestly haven’t touched this journal in weeks. Yesterday I could barely even get out of bed. Something is wrong. I have this noise in the back of my head that keeps calling me, like it knows who I am. I’m getting worse everyday. If this keeps on I’m going to have to find someone else for Ian to stay with. With me sick who’s going to make sure he okay? I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing him in need with me unable to help. Connor should should be coming to stay with us soon. Maybe with extra help around the house I won’t be so overloaded. Maybe I’ll get better. I hope I get better... I need to get better.

I can’t sleep anymore, not when I keep thinking about it. That echo of static in the back of my head, the images of what I was when it happened. I remember looking into the mirror in the void, and all I saw was a monster. The image of that thing is stuck in my head ,and now I can’t sleep without seeing it come closer and closer. The footsteps. The pattern. It sounds like a ticking sound, but it’s so distorted and the more I run the closer it gets. I don’t know what to do. I’m running out of lies to tell Ian when he finds me away or crying. I’m getting the headaches again, just like when Ian first stayed with me. Maybe he was right. Maybe the televoid is doing something to us.

I decided to do something I’ve never done before, I left Ian alone for a few hours while he slept to take a walk. It was risky, but somehow it seemed to work out. Ian was completely asleep while I got a few minutes of time alone. Strange, you get used to having people around you all the time that you forget what silence really sounds like. Four in the morning looks kinda nice. I guess after spending all that time being consumed by taking care of the guys I forgot how lovely it was just to be alone. I didn’t have to worry about anyone but myself, and I kind of miss that. I’ll have to do that again sometime.

We’ve settled into the new place, and all seemed fine till last night. I was washing dishes with Ian when I happened to drop a plate. I don’t know what got into me, but I just started crying. It was weird, like I had no control over my emotions. Then breathing became difficult and soon enough I was huddled in the kitchen corner freaking out. I’ve never done that before, break down like that for no reason. It was just a plate, but seeing it fall and break when I was supposed to put it up drew me across the edge. I think Jeff was right, something is wrong with me and I’m not okay. I can’t tell Ian. He’s gonna think he did something wrong, but he didn’t. This is all me. What do I do?

All I can think about was his hands on my neck.  It’s weird to have that image in my head, Ian trying to kill me, but it’s even weirder because it actually happened. I know the televoid can do strange things to the minds of people, but Ian has never done that before. He has never purposely tried to hurt me like that. There were a few times before where he tried to choke me while he was sleep walking, or he was close to throwing me in the void, but it was all accidental. Something is wrong with the televoid and whatever it may be Ian is getting affected. I don’t want to hurt him, but if it happens again I can’t promise that I won’t.