#c.a.m.

I watched Electric Dreams, I loved it wonderfully! It made feel so emotional that I made a little comic out of it! (There are some meaning behind it but you wouldn’t understand it)

What is a Midwife?

🌸

As the years went by I realized what it really meant.

“We deserve the love we think we deserve”

I was a bud 2 years ago and now it had bloomed. I understand now, Charlie.

Thank you.

Love always,

What if YOU wanted to be one of Maliwan’s greatest innovations but Maliwan said aight elpis im bouta head out

23.11.2017

Its been so long since I’ve written to you. And remember that love poem I wrote? It so happen that I met someone who I sort of was infatuated/ “in love” with for a while and it was the same month I started getting to know him. We met online through an app. Not those dating ones, heavens no. I’m not a dating app girl which I’ve tried recently but only chatting but never meeting up.

So we went through so much since and I even sent him a gift since we’re countries apart. It was a wild ride between the silver lining of friends and lovers but he had another. It’s been pretty much over 2 years since I knew and went through stuff with him, but I eventually came to terms that this is toxic for me. So I cut him off recently on May but came back cuz I missed him way too much and then it’s an on and off of talking and we’re distant as ever. It’s complicated.

I’m in a new college now and I’ve been doing so much better since those years I’ve written to you. I’m not sure whether some of the written letters I wrote had my initials and it’s a shame that you didn’t knew it was me if that were true.

I made friends/acquaintences. I started and quitted smoking. I travelled alone twice and the first I actually got to know a foreigner. My new friends; now they’ve moved to another program and I don’t think they like me as much… because the isolation I had back then sort of fucked up how I socialize. Hence, untactfullness. But I usually reasoned myself that if I ever felt misunderstood then how can people understand me if I never opened up? So I opened up a lil to quick and too open. But I had fun and they were so nice to even give me gifts and take me clubbing.

I moved in and now I’m doing cheer in college (I had always wanted to be an athlete/learn parkour and this is sort of close to it in high school so the training experience is pretty new and honestly I’m considerably one of the weakest in the team, despite me being new, but I’m not giving up just yet) and looking to graduate from my current program soon despite me failing the last term. (Wish me luck!) I still don’t really know what I want to do for degree though.

I have so much to share and realized that things had looked up a whole lot considerably from the past. I met some people who were similar/weird and misunderstood as me. But I hadn’t really as of recent. But I made a friend whom I actually shared one of my deepest secrets that I’ve never extensively shared like that before. It was the first time for her too to me.

I still struggle with my anxiety/depression sometimes but it isn’t as bad and I know how to manage it better. I take therapy in my college (its free) and she says the same things as my sister and friends whom they’ve advised me a lot of the same thing.

Despite me isolated for pretty much 4 months back home and last year… I think it gave me insights and got me used to being comfortable being alone.

Being away from home made me much more gratefull and despite me having my suicidal/depression tendencies I always remind myself about my grandmother. She has been through so much to get us a future and I cannot fail her efforts by killing myself. Even for my late father.

I think I can say I’m pretty proud of myself looking back from and to this journey so far. I hope you’ve been doing a whole lot better too and those around you.

I am gratefull. Xxxx

Love,

23.11.2017

It’s raining and I just wanted to add that I still have some struggle with social anxiety/phobia. But I think I’m managing/coming to terms with it… a whole lot better than before. I hung out/exposed myself with people in cheer recently and yesterday with my housemates. I used to skip classes because of it and hence why I failed 2 of my subjects. But a good friend (the same one that we told each other our deepest secrets) told me it’s maybe a blessing in disguise to fail and think through what I want to do.

& maybe it is.

Thank you for always being here to listen. I hope you’re doing well and if you aren’t… just know it’ll get better.

As long as hope exists. Infinite.

Love love,

C.A.M.