#buttfaced miscreants

This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.

Not just one aftershave or cologne, but many, and all of them somehow fatherly in quality.

Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT.

Because John Egbert doesn’t get things so mundane as birthday presents—he gets artifacts. That’s how he rolls.

You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card. The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!

Oh, boy. I recall feeling as though this was foreshadowing of dangers to come. Especially with those nails involved.

John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

… 😒 （¬﹏¬ )

This is the dumbest idea you’ve had in weeks!!! STUPID STUPID STUPID. And yet the polished surface of your desk… It beckons.

Oh ho ho ho~ Very clever.  Buttfacedicus Miscreantidae is properly chastised for dumb suggestion, but the ego is soothed by funny stinger. 😋 (^～^)

Literally, I don’t think I could’ve been happier when the poster turned out to be one of my all-time favorite (highly underrated) movies, Little Monsters. (I think I’d have had an almost equally fangirly moment for Monster Squad, though.) I honestly love that movie and I’m not ashamed to say so. Neither is John. (☆^ー^☆)

Sadly, not as big a fan of Con Air, which will get many more references, later on. (That’s not to say that I don’t recognize the awesome that is Nicholas Cage.) And, while I also love movies about impending (and, especially post-) apocalypses, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Deep Impact, so I might miss out on callbacks/references from it.

Aww, his handmade Slimer desktop background, which is so ugly it’s cute!

❤ 😳

I don’t know how Hussie did it. Knowing what the vast majority of the Internet’s denizens are like, how he could face the idea of letting readers suggest the next move… I don’t even.

The sheer amount of shitty suggestions he must’ve gotten had to be staggering.

Staggering.

I wonder if he had a trusted, reliable roster of people to make suggestions, or something. Because how else could he slog through all the bullshit to get to decent stuff?

Let me start this off by saying that I love Taco Bell. I might be having an affair with Taco Bell. 

Tonight, I went with two of my friends to Taco Bell. We walked into the restaurant and there were two youths who looked liked butt-faced miscreants. One was an spotty and douchebag-esque looking, and the other was an odd looking Asian fellow wearing baggy sweatpants. I looked at them to see if I recognized them, and then didn't give them a second thought. 

I ordered my one true love, the Crunchwrap Supreme, a softshell taco, and a Baja Blast. For reference, my order was number 223. (Off topic, but do they restart those order numbers each day? Was I the 223rd order of the day?)

My friends and I sat down in a booth and waited for our food to come. I thought I heard the number 223 being called, so I got out of the booth. The server had placed the tray on the counter with my Crunchwrap and taco, and as I was getting up to grab my food, the odd looking Asian in baggy pants TOOK THE TRAY. 

I was very confused. I thought they had just called my number, but the two youths had been there before us, so maybe I just heard them wrong. But I glanced over at their table, and Mr. Baggypants was eating a Crunchwrap Supreme!! Obviously, I was just psyching my self out. TONS of people order the Crunchwrap Supreme! There is NO way that someone would deliberately steal someone else's Crunchwrap Supreme! 

So I waited, for my food still. Linette's food came out. Juliana's food came out. Everyone else's food came out. But still not mine. I keep on glancing at the pair of miscreants, shooting them death glares. THEY TOOK MY CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME!! You could tell by how fast Baggypants was wolfing down the food. The spotty douchebag even said to him, "Slow down, what's the rush?" They kept on giving nervous glances at me when I would shoot them daggers via my eyes. 

I asked one of the workers if my food had been called. Maybe I really had missed it. He took my receipt and handed it to the lady who had prepared my food. She came out and said that she had called out the order, and had placed the tray on the counter. I told her I had heard her call out the number, and had gotten up to get it, and the tray wasn't there. She asked me if someone had taken it. I didn't want to start a ruckus, so I told her quietly that I thought that he had taken it, as I gestured with my elbow to the Asian in baggy pants. They decided to leave the restaurant as soon as I said that. They kept on looking over, and booking it out of the establishment. 

The worst part is that she told me that it didn't surprise her. Which makes it seem like this is a regular occurrence. WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S TACO BELL!?!? I would rank it in the Top 5 list of worst things ever. She apologized and made me a fresh, new Crunchwrap and taco. She even told the manager about what had happened.

I will never forgive that kid for stealing my food. Maybe if had been like a Subway sandwich I could have forgiven him, but this is Taco Bell. 

I'm telling my story because I want everyone to be aware of these butt-faced, douchebag, taco-stealing youths. Be on the lookout for them. If you see them, just look them in the eye and say "I know what you did to order 223." and then raise your eyebrow in a crazy way.