#buthereitis

My name is Faith, and I love the cello. I just graduated high school and started cello at the beginning of 7th grade after struggling with violin and piano up to that point. Cello and I connected instantly; the night we brought my first one home-- 3/4 size and incredibly distressed around the edges-- I was playing. Playing scales and Twinkle, Twinkle among other silly songs and riffs. The only instruction I had had was watching my elementary school orchestra teacher teach the cellos the basics. So to be perfectly honest, I was going in blind. I advanced quickly scoring a seat in All County my 8th grade year and making it into the upper level orchestra my freshman year. I was first chair all year. The problem is, over the years, I have had pain along the outside of my right wrist off and on for this whole time. But between icing and easing up on practicing, it had always gone away. Until, of course, my senior year with scholarship auditions looming. We went to a hand and arm specialist who could feel nothing wrong with my wrist but offered a cortisone shot to target any problem he may not have noticed. Sure, it helped. For a few weeks. I could play again with only muscle fatigue slowing me down (this was during musical season and I was in the pit so long rehearsals were my trouble). But it stopped working. We went back and scheduled an MRI to diagnose a problem. The MRI showed nothing wrong. My family has seen a chiropractor for years and he had cured my older brother of the migraines that had plagued him for years so I asked him. After digging around in my wrist and arm he decided the problem was actually in my elbow, telling me the muscles on the inside felt like rope. A few weeks before graduation we had stopped playing in orchestra class so I hadn’t played in a while. Convincing myself that my chiropractor had fixed the problem I decided to agree to playing at my church one Sunday. I began working on the piece. And to be honest, the beginning of that practice session was the most alive I had felt since I stopped playing cello. As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression cello has been my healthiest coping mechanism by providing me an outlet for all the negative feelings and an escape. I had been sightreading through this new piece for maybe 5 minutes when I started to feel the ache: just a dull pain on the outside of my wrist. So I adjusted my bow, making sure I wasn’t holding any tension that would cause pain, and kept going. After 2 more minutes I couldn’t bear it anymore. I dropped the bow and collapsed around my cello crying. Once I gathered the strength I put the instrument down and sat on the couch, curled into a ball and shaking so much that when my mom got home she could see it from across the room. So I canceled my gig, disappointed everyone I had told, and my cello hasn’t moved since. Upon discussing it with my parents and a trusted mentor, it was determined that I shouldn’t move away for college if we can’t get my wrist in working order. I live in Denver and am going to college in Seattle. That is a long way to be from an established support system without a coping mechanism. Especially since I intend on being heavily involved in the music program via ensembles and classes. It would be torture, emotional abuse I would be objecting myself to. So that’s my story. College depends on cello, cello depends on wrist, nothing has worked so far. And I am 90 days out from move-in.

when ur the definition of chaotic good #lateonthetrend #buthereitis ✨🔹💎🔹✨

I got one of this #ineverfuckinguseit #buthereitis #fuckyoutoo #idgaf

if anyone cares to know

Speechless Pt.2 A cool breeze is felt upon my heart as my humanity walks right pass it. Remorseful undertones show within my emotions as I try to speak. Choked up, on life falling to my knees. Pray and contemplating "why me?" All my negative emotions turns into a big scenery. Darkness collapses unto my eyes, leaving me in the rising blindsight. It wants me to dance with it, to live with it.. I refused, therefore I'm going to receive all hell from it.. Hold on, I know I have to just...hold on Protect what I have left.. But, Is it still there? Gone, it's just gone...I lost my voice I lost my one ticket for you to listen.. I'm still trapped in my own instance... Speechless at a distance.. EriQ Antonio

I've been hearing a fair share of voices outside of my head as well.. All saying the same shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NSqvkN4YCE http://official-mandempig.tumblr.com/