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Pondering my gender and sexuality today apparently
I’m gonna have to write a whole dissertation i feel in order to figure it out lmao. All I know is that I feel dichotomous (heh, dyke-otomous) in both gender and sexuality. It’s confusing at times, but i find it freeing to have finally accepted myself and now I can work on getting to know that part of me better :)
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I’m writing poetry again and i have no idea what i’m doing with it lmao
All I know is that I feel way too big and ig writing helps. I don’t have a style, it’s kind of just all over. Maybe i’ll start a poetry notebook or something and force myself to read it to people (if they wanna listen) so i can get over the perpetual embarrassment of my work that i seem to suffer from
Or maybe i’ll just work on my story telling and keep the poetry as private as possible 😅😅
I have a headache, my stomach hurts, and i’m anxious as fuck
But i am journaling about it
Depression sucks and i wish to be at peace but i am not and it’s making me feel sick
Back again on the depression train my friends
Basically why the fuck can’t i be fucking normal and why do i have to be the way i am. Why do i want (more like: feel like I need) facial hair? Why do i want body hair? Why do i want to look masculine? Why can’t i just be like other butches that aren’t on t? Why can’t i just be comfortable with the way i was fucking born? I know i’m doing it for safety, and also because I feel like myself, like me, on T. But still—why? Why was i fucking born this way? Why can’t I just, idk, make up my fucking mind?
It feels like I don’t fit in anywhere, like i don’t fit in with anyone really. I just want camaraderie, i want to feel acceptance, i want to feel loved by my community. I don’t want to end up alone bc I can’t. I can’t fucking be any other way. I don’t know how to be any other way.
Was jerking off about my femme earlier and soon after developed an aggressive headache and all i gotta say is that’s homophobic
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I have to stop thinking about my femme at work it’s becoming a problem (that i love)
All i gotta say is: thank god i don’t have a real dick or i would be acting funny
Thinking…thinking of my femme…I’m so lucky
They passed a bathroom bill in my state. I hope all of the legislators who voted for it rest in piss. I’m not safe here. My family isn’t safe here. We have to get out. The home I’ve known my whole life has turned its back on me, and in turn i will spit in its fucking face. I hate this state. For just trying to use a bathroom I can be punished. Fuck all the way off. If anyone tries to reach into my pants and harass me because of it, they can expect me to fight back. Fuck all the way off with this shit i’m sick of it all. I’m absolutely disgusted with this state and this country.
