#but i...

I missed him and his now long dark hair. I missed that posh cedar and bergamot perfume of his. I missed his voice. That deep and clean voice. The way he pronounces every word in such an elegant way that I can’t help but look at his mouth - when he’s not looking - and lose track of the meaning of words (not that I usually know the meaning of the ones he uses) because all I can think about is kissing him. Kissing him. I miss kissing him. Merlin, I really do. I miss feeling his cold iced lips. But then, I don’t. Because to kiss him means he’d have to kiss me. I don’t know when that became a reason to panic. I guess we could say it was when I realized he’s so much more than I am. He’s always been. And he deserves someone on that level. But I just keep being selfish and weak. I don’t totally let him go. I tell him to leave for all the stupid reasons: it’s getting dark, Fiona might be waiting for you, Penny’s getting tired of your face, We should give her some space (though this one is not stupid at all). And he does go. He leaves. And he comes back. 

I don’t answer the door anymore. Even though he can use magic - and I think he also owns a key -, he used to make me get up and open it for him just so I’d move out of the sofa. I stopped opening. He started using the key just to avoid using magic for banal things in front of me. Because he pities me. He does. And I can’t fucking stand this. 

But I missed him. And I called him. And I didn’t know what else to say except come home. And I regret calling the second I said it and the line went silent for a while. No, Baz, I’m not sure I want you to come. I’m not sure of anything anymore. How do we trust things this way? I had no idea how I’d feel when - if -  he came.

I didn’t answer the door. I didn't even hear he arriving. I only saw him by the corner of my eye when he silently sat in the armchair and his perfume filled the room.

i cri

black,,, why would you do that,,, why are you so,,, meab