Having a night where I just feel so sad and unloveable.
I think about how a past boyfriend used to write tweets about how stupid he thought I was when he thought I was asleep and would quickly delete them if I showed in any way that I was awake.
How I bought a boyfriend at a time a bear soft toy (he really likes bears) and we spent over an hour just cuddled up thinking about what we could name him. And then not long later he ended up telling me how the bear he got (the one I bought him) was named with his girl best friend and they named it after her rabbit ?? And it just... none of that was true? It was just that he cared about her more, and so attributed positive things to her, and then just outright rewrote the memories of good things we did together.
How I've written love letters for each person I've dated, and I have never had one in return. Even when I made someone a music playlist, he only made me one back that he basically copied from a Spotify premade one. And he sent it like 6 months after, after I kept asking him about it.
Every person I have dated has compared me to their past relationships as well as to any girl best friends. And I don't want to be in competition with other women! It sucks! But it just makes me feel awful.
I think part of my problem is that I have always ended up falling into relationships with male friends. And so they have never felt like they have had to win me over in any way. They have never had to try too hard with compliments or actions of affection. And then as we get into a relationship, that feeling settles even more. And they just. They just don't care about me as a person. They like that I'm nice. They like that I'm there as opposed to them being single. And that's it. I don't think any of the men that I have dated have loved me.
And I mean, that is especially true of the person that abused me and actively told me I was evil and bad and that Christianity was bad and awful. But the others? Sure, they didn't sexually abuse me. But they just didn't care about meeting my needs. Making me feel safe or loved.
And when I get approached by men now, they straight up tell me they're just interested in sex. They don't want to know who I am as a person. Men will go out of their way to compliment and praise other women, and then I just get a "hey baby wanna fuck?" and it's just. It's so dehumanising. (I don't use dating apps btw, this is all on like, social media apps and in real life).
