#burzekaw22

There’d been two of them since Kim had lost the baby. The first one, he was ashamed to admit, he’d spent in a drunken haze. He was supposed to be a couple of weeks away from being a dad, living with Kim and getting the nursery ready for their baby to come home from Med. Even having that baby and being platonic was so much better than not having them at all. So that first one he spent drunk on not great whiskey in his apartment, booking the day after off as a furlough day that he claimed was spent with his dad. Voight knew well it wasn’t, but said nothing. He was able to pretend at least for a little while that everything was fine and it wasn’t a mess.

The second was spent doing more pretending, but this time it was pretending that he didn’t love Makayla like she was his own kid already. It’d been ten weeks since Kim’s abduction, but Mack had fully wormed her way into his life and heart entirely too easily. She’d fall asleep with her head on his lap, grinning at him before settling down. He wasn’t her dad, though. He knew he wasn’t really. But they spent the day watching movies and relaxing, Mack helping Kim with her PT until he got called to a scene that evening.

This year, however, it didn’t even cross his mind. Things were so, so good for once that he didn’t even want to think about it in case he ruined the way things were. He got to live with the love of his life and they were making their relationship work. Makayla was his in all the ways that really mattered to him, and she gave him hugs at night and asked him to read her a story. Things may as well have been perfect.

Their Sunday pancake tradition was alive and well, so when he got out of the shower he dressed to go bring his girls their breakfasts. But instead of the coffee pot barely on there was a full plate in front of his place at the table, a card and messily wrapped box with an even messier bow on top on his chair.

“What’s all this?” He asked, sitting down as Mack oh so carefully pushed the holder that the coffee pot sat on towards him.

“It’s for you! Open the card first? Please?” She asked, and who was he to deny her anything he could feasibly give her?

“You did all of this for me? Then I have to, right?”

It was a handmade pink glittery card, more glitter than in a strip club on the front. But it was the message inside in a childish scrawl that made him stop and stare, blinking rapidly to make sure he was reading it correctly.

Dear Adam,

Happy Father’s Day! I love you. Can I call you dad from now on?

Love,

Mack

His eyes began to well up, staring at his daughter - the word singing in his veins as he realised she felt it too - who had visible nerves on her face. If she wanted to call him just Adam for the rest of her life he’d have been so happy just to be there and around. But for her to actually ask if he would be her dad? He never dreamed it.

“Yeah. If you want to call me dad then you go right ahead, ok?”

It was a whirlwind hitting into his chest, Makayla jumping from her chair and into his arms as fast as she could. Her head hit off his collarbone and she rest perfectly against him as he held her tightly.

“I love you, Dad,”

“I love you so much, Mack. You and your mom so much.”

He looked across to Kim standing to the side in the kitchen, just out of their way with tears spilling down her cheeks at the sight in front of her. He had his full family. It couldn’t get much better than this for him.

Or at least that’s what he thought until he opened the box in front of him. It was so clear how much time and effort his girls had put into the day for him, but when he thanked Kim she insisted it was all Makayla. There was a highly scheduled itinerary for the day that started with brunch and ended with dinner at Portillos, a drawing of a cake shake beside the carefully printed name. The middle was covered by hands at Mack’s insistence, wanting there to be a surprise for him. So they sat and ate pancakes and relaxed before starting their adventure for the day. Or at least relaxed as much as they possibly could when there was a seven year old bouncing off the walls from excitement and a sugar rush thanks to too much syrup on her pancakes.

The first stop was to the playground they used to go to, the one that was halfway between his old apartment and Kim’s old one. If he was honest he hated the memories of it. It always felt like he was a divorced father doing custody changeovers whenever he was there, even though Mack didn’t even have a bedroom in his place. But they’d meet and he’d push her on the swings as high as he could so she’d giggle. It must have been happy for her if she wanted to spend time there with him, so Adam put aside his worry and pushed her again.

This time it was him and Kim pushing her together, braids with white beads swinging behind her in the June heat as she giggled and screamed for joy. It was busier than it usually was, parents out enjoying the Hallmark holiday with their kids. He knew his family didn’t look exactly like people thought it should - and he and Kim both knew there would forever be a missing member - but it was his family, and that was what mattered to him.

The alarm on Kim’s phone sounded and Makayla immediately jumped off the swing as it came back down, landing on her hands and knees as he grabbed the seat and watched her pop back up.

“What did we say about making sure you don’t hurt yourself?” He asked, Mack shaking her head and smiling.

“I didn’t though!”

“Fine.”

Each of his girls took one of his hands and led him back to Kim’s car. It was part of the agreement for the day, Kim was doing the driving so he could relax. The drive was fun, relaxing and he enjoyed watching Kim go a convoluted route so he couldn’t tell exactly where they were going. When they did pull up at Navy Pier he was surprised, Mack bouncing in her car seat with excitement once they were parked. He wasn’t quite sure where they were going, but Makayla was the one who pulled him through the crowd, Kim taking a photo of his six foot frame being dragged by their four foot nothing child.

It was to the Ferris wheel, Makayla determined to battle her fear of heights. They had a Father’s Day special and he didn’t even ask, Mack getting in for free and sitting between him and Kim.

Pointing out everything on the Chicago skyline was special to him, and getting her to follow his finger and see Loyola Beach made them both grin. When they got back down he brought her into Build A Bear, watching her eyes go wide.

“Pick one. It’s a special day, you get a present too.”

It shouldn’t have surprised him, but they watched Mack choose a dark brown bear, whispering her secret to him and Kim and Adam recorded the message for the bear. The final decision was the outfit she was getting, and he and Kim were both surprised when she ignored the wall of costumes but went straight for the Chicago Police Uniform, picking it up with a grin.

“He’ll look like you two!”

What were they supposed to say to that? Even the badge looked like the ones permanently affixed to their hips, so it was up to the cashier to pay. They got a look from the woman behind the counter, the look that Adam had become more than used to receiving whenever he and Mack were out together. Instead of the anger he used to feel it was resignation, at least he knew that people were looking out for her and that had to mean something.

The final stop before going back to the car was the Ohio Street Beach, Mack running along to find sea glass for them. The three of them wandered through the tiny beach, calling as they found some.

“Mom! Look!” Makayla yelled and the two of them ran over to see the baby blue glass in her hand. It had originally been a pendant of some kind it seemed, but it was in four nearly perfect pieces. They slotted together to make an oval with a hole in the middle, Mack handing over her treasure to Kim.

“It’s nearly as pretty as you.” Adam bent down to push a kiss to the top of her head, firmly taking her hand as they went back to the car. He knew there was just one more stop, and he was excited for whatever they had up their sleeves for him.

He didn’t know what he’d expected, but to pull up outside Wrigley Field and be told to get out of the car was not it. Kim took the reins of this part of the day, giving their names and getting the lanyards for each of them to wear. It was a full tour of Wrigley, the place he’d never gotten to go as a kid. Bob had promised they’d do it, but his dad never came through. But this? His first year as a dad and they were doing it for him? It was nearly too much happiness to bear.

“Thank you,” he murmured to Kim before it began, his girlfriend turning to shake her head.

“Thank Mack. She’s the one who looked up the tour and decided you should do it. She said she wants to go to a game with you, but wanted to see here first.”

It was a magical tour for him, but one of the most fun parts was sitting in the dugout with Mack on his lap. The kids on the tour were invited up to try hit a pitch from home plate, and with a tiny bit of encouragement Makayla went up to do it. She looked tiny in the oversized helmet with a baseball bat in her hands, her new Cubs shirt open on as she stared at the guide preparing to pitch.

They were both prepared to need to comfort her, but Adam’s jaw dropped as with the first swing she’d ever done of a baseball, Makayla sent it a solid forty feet away from them. Everyone watching cheered for her, Adam and Kim clapping and whooping.

“DAD! Did you see? Didya see how far it went?!” Makayla asked, running into his arms and getting swung around in celebration. He didn’t realise Kim had been had been recording the swing, the video sent to Kevin before Adam even knew it existed.

“How could I not? You were brilliant! Did you have fun?” She nodded rapidly, Adam continuing to hold her even though he could have let her down. But she was only seven for a little longer, and he was relishing these moments.

The three had photos taken at each spot on the tour, Adam relishing seeing his daughter in her new Cubs shirt. She grinned widely, and when they exited into the gift shop he couldn’t resist picking up a baseball bat, glove, and a three back of balls for her. Kim just shrugged and pressed a kiss to his cheek as he paid, Makayla holding his hand and grinning.

“Can we try in the back yard next week if you’re not in work?”

“You bet we can.”

The final stop was to Portillos for hotdogs and cake shakes. The three squished in a booth that should have only sat two, Mack on his lap and staring across at Kim. He split his shake with Makayla, eating and laughing with the loves of his life as their day was nearly perfect. But the final thing to put a smile on his face was while they were leaving, his hand on the small of Kim’s back as he held Makayla’s hand and their waitress came up to them.

“Did you have a good day?” She asked Makayla, the seven year old chewing her lip and nodding.

“It’s Dad’s first Father’s Day, I wanted him to have fun.” She glanced up at Adam to see a wide grin on his face.

“I didn’t want anything else.”

Getting out of bed quietly so as not to wake his sleeping girlfriend, he walked into the kitchen. Coffee, that would ensure he stayed awake for the rest of the day and no one would know any different. Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish, he looked around. His once manly bachelor pad now bore signs of someone in a happy relationship. There were pictures on the fridge, cushions on the sofa, that Adam had no idea how they got there, and two glasses with the dregs of last night’s wine on the coffee table. Adam smiled to himself, even with everything going on in his head right now he still had her. She was the love of his life, for that he was sure and he knew he had to get over this, for her sake if not for his own.

-------

Dragging himself into the precinct at 6am was not what he had planned today yet here he was. He went straight into the break room to make another cup of coffee, it was going to be a long day. His phone chimed shortly after he returned to his desk – it was a picture of the note he had left Kim on her mug and a message saying I love you too. A small grin crept across his face.

‘What’s got you smiling like a fool’ came Kevin’s voice. Adam had been so preoccupied that he hadn’t even noticed him coming up the stairs.

‘Nothing’ Adam said.

‘Yeah nothing to rhyme with Burgess’ Kevin smirked.

If there was one person who understood the relationship he had with Kim, it was Kevin. The two hadn’t necessarily gotten off to the best start in relation to her but now Adam understood that he was only looking out for her, and he appreciated someone else having her back.

-------

By the time lunch came around, Adam was on his fourth cup of coffee and people were starting to notice his irritable behaviour. He had snapped at Jay when Jay asked what was wrong. Had barked orders at Hailey even though she outranked him. Al had called him out for zoning out during their meeting and Voight, well Voight could tell something was up.

‘Ruzek’, the gruff voice of their Sergeant said, ‘my office, now’. Adam groaned internally, getting called to the Boss’s office was never good news and he knew after the way he was behaving today, it definitely wasn’t.

‘Sarge’ he said when he entered the room and closed the door behind him.

‘You going to tell me what’s going on or do I have to drag Burgess up here and hear it from her’. Oh, great Adam thought, he thinks it’s my relationship that’s getting in the way of the job, whereas the relationship was the only thing keeping him afloat right now.

‘It’s nothing Sarge, and it’s got nothing to do with Kim, she’s great, I mean we’re fine. I just…’, he took a breath, ‘haven’t been sleeping great, think I just need a new pillow is all’ he said with a chuckle. Voight didn’t look convinced.

‘If that’s all, close the door on your way out’.

‘That’s all Sarge, I’m good’. And with that, he left Voight’s office and headed straight to the locker room. He sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands, I’ve got to get over this he thought. If not I’m out of intelligence and that can’t happen. Just as he was trying to pull himself together, he heard a voice.

‘Adam, hey, what’s up?’ He looked up to see Kim walk in, she looked concerned. ‘You didn’t text back this morning, I just wanted to check you’re alright. You’ve been gone every morning this week before I wake up’.

Adam rubbed his face, ‘I’m all good darlin’’ he said with his signature grin, ‘just had paperwork to catch up on’. And with that, he got up, quickly pecked her on the cheek and headed back to the bullpen, leaving a very confused and worried Kim in his wake.

-------

Adam was the last to leave the bullpen that evening and once he thought he was alone he headed back into the locker room. He knew Kim had gone home earlier; she had text him to say she was going to cook if he was home before 7. It was now 9 and he had shot her a message back to say the team had to stay late. In reality, Voight had a meeting in the Ivory tower at 5 and the rest of the team apart from him and Jay had left before 6. Jay had headed out a little while ago and he had just been staring at the screen until he thought he was alone. He knew Kim would probably be in bed by the time he got home which meant he could hopefully avoid the conversation he knew was coming.

When he got to the locker room however he saw that he wasn’t alone. Jay was sat on the bench waiting for him.

‘Ruze, talk to me man’.

‘It’s nothing Jay really, I’ve just not been sleeping, need a new pillow, you know the story’. He tried to play it off but he could see Jay wasn’t believing him.

‘That’s not it though is it’, Jay said in a slow calm voice. ‘You’ve been like this ever since that UC case. The one in the prison’.

Adam bristled, he wanted to say something, anything to deflect what Jay was saying but he couldn’t get the words out.

‘Going into the hole must have been hell man, I’ve heard the stories. It’s normal that it would have affected you. Hell, you’d be crazy if you didn’t get torn up over what you saw.’

Adam sat down facing his locker, not wanting to see Jay’s face.

‘I’ve seen the look in your eyes before’, Jay took a deep breath, ‘I’ve had that look in my eyes too. When every time you close them your back somewhere that broke you. It’s normal but you’ve got to get some help man. Have you told anyone the real reason you’re not sleeping?’ Adam shook his head. ‘Not even Burgess?’.

Adam scoffed. ‘What do I tell her? Hey Kim, you know your big strong cop boyfriend who’s not afraid of bullets. Well he got locked in a room for 20 hours and went almost crazy and now he can’t sleep because he keeps having nightmares.’

Jay looked at him slowly, ‘yes’ he said simply. ‘Tell her and she’ll be there for you. Hell that girl is crazy about you and heaven knows why’. He chuckled quietly. ‘You’ve got PTSD Adam, at least on some level’ he said as Adam looked at him and tried to interrupt. ‘20 hours locked in a room with no windows, hearing sounds of other prisoners going crazy, not knowing when you were going to get out. That’s a lot for anyone to take. Even a big strong cop’. He said with a smile. ‘I’ve known men bigger and stronger than you, crack under a lot less’.

‘But that’s different’ Adam said.

‘Why, because it was war. Men are men Adam, in prison, on the streets or on the battlefield. It doesn’t mean what we see or hear doesn’t affect us. You should talk to someone. When I had all that stuff with Morgan, therapy got me through it. Well therapy and Upton.’

Adam looked up at him with a curious expression.

‘Yeah, she basically told me if I didn’t go to therapy and start dealing with it, she was going to ask for another partner’.

‘Damn, for someone so small, she’s feisty’. Smirked Adam, Jay nodded and laughed.

‘She is, but it took that for me to realise that me not dealing with it wasn’t just effecting me. It was having an impact on those around me, those I care about.’

‘But therapy’ Adam said, ‘talking to someone about my feelings and crap, not sure that’s for me.’

‘I didn’t think it was for me either, thought I’d be weak if I went to see someone but it helped. It really did. But start with talking to Kim, she knows somethings up. We all do. And she might surprise you.’

With that Jay patted him on the shoulder and headed out leaving Adam with a lot to think about.

-------

Adam took a breath before opening the door to his apartment. She loved him, he thought to himself, she loved him.

As he walked in, Kim turned her head to see him from where she was sat on the couch. ‘You’re home late’, she said. It wasn’t said in an accusatory tone, it was laced with something else, worry, perhaps.

Adam took of his jacket and draped it over a chair before making his way to sit next to her.

‘Talk to me Adam’, Kim said softly as she took his hands in hers. ‘Why can’t you let me in? What are you so afraid of?’.

This was it thought Adam, this is the moment I might lose her. And with that he started talking. Once he had opened the flood gates, it didn’t seem like he’d ever stop.

He told her how he hadn’t been sleeping because every night it felt like he was lying on that hard slab and all he could hear was the shouts coming from the neighbouring cells. He told her how he felt like he’d been in that room for days and when it turned out it was only 20 hours he was ashamed of how he felt. He told her when Kevin seemed fine straight afterwards that he must be weak for acting the way he was. He told her that he didn’t want her to think less of him because he was having nightmares so he made sure she fell asleep before he even dared to close his eyes. He told her how Jay had cornered him this evening and told him to talk to her and that maybe he should get some therapy. He told her how he had scoffed at the idea because good cops don’t need therapy. He told her how the reason he hadn’t told her any of this was because he was scared. He was scared she would look at him with pity, scared that she would think he was weak, scared that she’d leave him.

All through this, Kim watched him whilst he talked, holding his hands but never interrupting. She knew he had to get it all out and when it seemed like he had finished, she gently squeezed his hand and he looked at her.

But it wasn’t a look of pity that Adam saw, it was a look of love, a look of pride.

‘It took a lot to tell me all that Adam’, Kim smiled, ‘I always thought you were the strongest man I’d ever met’. Adam heard the past tense and looked away. Kim squeezed his hand again and he looked back. ‘But now I realise that you’re stronger than I ever thought and I love you more because of it.’

Adam had tears in his eyes and let out a weak laugh.

‘And we will get through this together, and if you want to go to talk to someone then…’. Adam interrupted her, ‘I do’ he said. ‘I think it’ll help’. She smiled, ‘then I will drive you to the appointments and wait until you’re finished. Then we can come home together, and talk about it, or not if that’s what you want, but we will do it together.’