#burnoutdora

Lots of other little things I'm working on for the album with the peaceful moments i can manage to work on it. which is only when I'm able to focus and exist on this plane of existence. creativity and the creative process is a very good buoy. life preserver, even.

Just... I'm so pleased with how everything is coming together better than I could have hoped for, and I'm vidding music that I haven't quite vidded before, and discovered some new artists and re-discovered some old songs along the way.

Also I'm really fascinated and excited with the way I'm approaching thematic editing for the vids on the album. It's very exciting. It's not going to be everyone's cup of tea, particularly in this era of tik tok edits, but I have Things To Say and this is my medium. My audience grows even smaller as my obsession with The Witcher Netflix doesn't abate.

In any case. I'm very much the embodiment of the ben wyatt depression/stop-motion art meme. except it's burnout instead of depression. and having been clinically depressed for a good many years before, getting a real clear look of the venn diagram of burnout and depression symptoms has been. well it's not fun--but it's certainly useful information for ye old self-compassion and rest and working towards sustainability.

I loved heated rivalry and am excited for everyone's excitement but I'm still in my blanket nest staring at Yennefer's face and making fanart of her for the vid album. I fucking love Yennefer. We could have another 3 year hiatus and I'll still be thinking of Yennefer's face.

but I managed to get lucky and land a great contract job to see me thru the rest of the year. so I have a temporary reprieve from my jobdyssey. the relief is immense. I hate how immense it is because of capitalism, but the relief sits on top of my burnout. but it really has a refreshing quality to it. I get to learn some new job ropes and stay busy and have money for awhile. I also managed to fucking army crawl through bureaucracy and phone trees to try and get a doctors appointment. finally saw a doctor who listened to me and believed me and I feel like I got a unicorn psych who was so thoroughly engaged in listening and helping me, I almost thought I was dreaming. I gotta say gettin' that ADHD diagnosis finally and medication has been nothing short of lifechanging. so after all this agony of the last year and few years (on top of more agony years), finally getting concrete win. too bad I'm not getting better overnight, but hope has finally been refreshed.

grinding in this capitalist hellscape is exhausting. but i'm thanking the universe and mourning the spoons i've lost, destroyed, and melted along the way trying to get to this damn point.

Also I have a personal website I want to work on (dreaming bigger than my adhd burnout right now). And I was halfway to launching my new art shop last fall but had to put it aside b/c of a job. But now I'm thinking about it again and excited but also trying to push through the imposter syndrome again. But ! art! and making things. And sharing things. So that's a few nice things I'm looking forward to doing soon.

Burnout also just sounds so mild on the surface. Learning firsthand for a year now how much it destroys a body and requires even more rest. Resting and reading fic and outlining fic. Trying to find my groove again with recs and vids and more of my collage art and acrylic paintings. Anything. Everything.