#buffskier

Guard: ok we got to split up and look for him. Suspect is a brunette, blue eyes, and a twink build

Jaskier getting extremely offended and comes out to lecture them about correcrly classifying the different body types and that he is NOT a twink!

Thank you! Have some steamy makeouts!

Geralt, looking up from his cup, blinking: What?

Lambert, slamming his hands on the table: You fucking lied!

Lambert: You brought your bard, all dressed in puffy shirts and high waisted pants. He looked so fucking small compared to all of us, which is okay.

Lambert: And then I saw him shirtless in the hall today and- WHAT THE FUCK???

Lambert: WE'RE PRACTICALLY THE SAME SIZE?

Lambert: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT THE BARD IS STRONG??

Geralt, smirking: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Lambert: You're a horrible brother.

Geralt: Okay, liste-

okay there is a lot of “Geralt doesn’t realize how weak humans are” fics with whump Jaskier and guilty Geralt, proceeded by lots of fluff

BUT

what if we take a different approach?? like “humans are space orcs” but Witcher edition

so witchers think humans are a lot more vulnerable and weak than they actually are, just because directly, a witcher could very easily hurt and maim a human.

so imagine Geralt’s surprise at just how stubborn Jaskier is, and how far he can persevere and push with adrenaline and sheer willpower alone?? and like imagine Jaskier beheading a vampire on accident, simply because he was ambushed and on pure instinct, grabbed Geralt’s sword and fought because “i’m not dying today, bitch”

just.

it’s like aliens trying to figure out how humans work, and constantly being surprised at our hardiness. and eventually they’re like “WAIT YOU CAN DO THAT??”

and everyday on the path Jaskier scares Geralt shitless

Jaskier:...

I saw this gif and I mean look at that eyes!😍