#btwids

The grief that follows this forsakenness, the quiet tragedy that is life - may one day my soul reunites with what it has lost, and finally settles down in unabated rest.

On a warm evening, we let each other leave. It didn't matter if I were sorry or if he was sorry but I wish we'd stuck a bit longer to tie up our loose ends. All I remember now is him smelling like cedar and dust and everything that will never come back to me. That night the moon kept me company, told me stories about mountains who are the loneliest but also the sturdiest she’d seen. She leaned in to whisper that sometimes blessings are shaped more like a mistake. Maybe it wasn’t, but we spoiled our chance to turn it into something beautiful. She wept when she muttered that he’d found another. I held her hand and said that people always find another. Maybe from the last time we have learned, and fear will no longer make us leave, keep us going in circles - until finally we collapse on ourselves. After all, this is how I love— this is how we love; we’re still figuring out how to. [2017]

I guess I will make it a habit to write before my last exam. I couldn’t sleep yesterday, heard police sirens ringing faintly on the streets below while forcing myself to sleep. It’s winter, so the sun rises late. There’s so much to do in life, right? So much, but you only get to experience life in fragments and sorry you can’t have all of them. And then there are times when you don’t want to get out of bed— you’re missing out, but it’s okay because the bed is warmer than the rest of the world and it makes you feel safe. Life is nice when the clock is ticking slowly like this. Here, sip a cuppa. Put Vibin’ Out with (((O))) in a loop. I’m so glad I have a room with a window the size of Alaska, so I can watch the lights waking up collectively. One of the lights on my ceiling flickered again, but I have no idea how to change it. My neighbour tried to work his way around it with a screwdriver, but even that didn’t work. So I let it be. This guy I’ve been talking to enjoys talking to me. Maybe because I’m 20 now, more toned-down and learned. Well, I hope we all age like wine— especially for those people back home. Loosen up, you’ll break your neck tensing it all the time. You’ll drown the city too screaming with your spits all over the place. What’s with the hate and constant nit-picking. Grow up. I’m trying to grow up too. Let’s grow up well and wrap it up. Good luck.