Nervous Habit
{ Reupload because I'm dumb.. don't ask }
Has your mom ever told you to never talk to people you don't know? "Y/N, you can never talk to strangers. You don't know what they're thinking." My mom would tell me that a lot as a child and I've always listened. Actually, it's now developed into a sort of problem.
I'm afraid of men. There. It's out in the open. And before somebody out there gets offended, I want to explain myself, without going into too much detail, that is.
I was hurt. I know, it's cliche, at least in my mind. "A young girl was victimized and was traumatized beyond repair." That sounds like the plot of almost every episode of Law and Order. But, it's my reality and I can't change the past. People tell me I can change the future, and sure, I absolutely can. But do I want to?
Not really… I don't see a need to try and conquer my fear. I'm not interested in dating or meeting a guy for any reason. And unfortunately, I'm just not romantically attracted to girls. Though sometimes I wish I was, I'm just not. And I don't want to try and date anyone I'm not attracted to. That's not fair for anybody involved. I'll settle for having close friends.
Speaking of close friends, the only one who knows of my fear is my best friend Maya. She's a Bengal cat shifter, and even though I'm a boring old human, we've been best friends for 7 years and counting.
We met in maybe 6th grade biology and bonded over knowing absolutely nothing about biology. And not really caring about it, either. We've been by each other's side ever since.
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12 Days Until Christmas
Maya and I have plans to go out for coffee and get some shopping done. We've decided to meet at the coffee shop down the street from my house around noon. When it's not too busy and not too cold as the sun is still out.
As I'm finishing getting ready, putting on a final coat of mascara, I see Maya's face pop up on my phone next to me.
"Hey hey!" I say cheerily as I put Maya on speaker. I'm really starting to get into the Christmas spirit.
"Hi…" Maya says. I immediately notice that she doesn't sound too good. Her voice sounds like the equivalent of tires rolling on gravel, just hoarse and crunchy.
"Maya are you alright? You don't sound too great." She starts to answer but is cut off by a coughing fit.
"Yeah… I'm okay. I just have a cold. I don't think I can go shopping today though…"
"Maya, of course you can't, you need to rest. Do you need any help? I can come over if you want." I tell her.
"No, please don't worry. Minhyuk's gonna come over after work. I'll be alright." Minhyuk is Maya's boyfriend. They've been together so long, maybe 3 years at this point. It's pretty incredible.
Seeing them together and almost nauseatingly happy, it sort of makes me yearn for somebody to hold. But, that would mean talking to somebody, and having social anxiety as bad as I do, that's not an easy task.
I can't even order coffee in person. I order online and pick it up to avoid talking to anybody. And before you say it, I do realize it's a problem, but it's easier to be alone. I can look for my Prince Charming later.
"Okay good," I start. "I'm sure with him by your side you'll be up and running by tomorrow."
"Oh yeah, I'm sure. He always makes me feel better." She says. There was an attempt at a laugh, but that just turns into a lot of painful sounding coughs.
"But Y/N, can you do me a small favor?" Maya asks.
"Yeah Maya, whatever you need." And I do mean that. She is my best (and maybe only) friend after all.
"Can you please, please, pretty please woth a cherry on top, promise me that you'll go outside today." I should've known.
"I don't want you cooped up inside your apartment all day long. It's not healthy." I realize Maya is only looking out for me, but I like staying inside and I don't think she gets that. Even after knowing me for as long as she has.
"Maya, it's not a big deal…" I say. "But for you, I'll go out and do some shopping, okay? I'll even talk to somebody."
Do I mean that?
"Okay good! Great! Thanks Y/N, you know I'm only looking out for you. I'll text you later, okay?" Maya says sleepily.
"Okay, feel better Maya. Keep me posted. Bye."
No. I didn't mean what I said. Do I feel bad for lying to her? Absolutely. But I had to. Maya is often my only reason for going outside and if she knew how mad my social anxiety has been these past few weeks she'd be disappointed in me. She may even be mad at me. It's just easier if she thinks I can still go out and function.
I even work from home as a freelance proofreader. I already have my dream job - I'm reading for a career. I love it.
I make enough to sustain myself and put something away for savings. I don't have a car to make payments on. I have no pets to care for. I'm not strapped for cash.
I'm comfortable. I hardly leave my apartment unless I'm actually craving sunlight, but I'm happy with my life.
Although, maybe a pet wouldn't be so bad. My aunt has three dogs and she just adores them like her own children. Seeing her with them makes me think it may be a good idea to rescue a furry friend to keep my company. I've never really had a pet before, anyway.
I think I'll look into adopting a pet of some kind. I've heard they are theraputic after all and I'm sure Maya would say I could use some therapy.
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Four Days Until Christmas
"Maybe a cat would suit you better, you don't do the whole… "outside" thing and dogs need to go outside."
Maya says as she takes a bite of her turkey sandwich. Maya is finally feeling better and she asked me out for lunch on this very snowy winter day. I haven't been outside since before Maya got sick a little over two weeks ago. Adding that to the 3 weeks before she got sick that I didn't go outside, I haven't been outside in approximately… a sickeningly long amount of time. I know, pathetic. But I'd never tell Maya about it. She'd get angry and frustrated with me. It's not worth it.
For her sake, I told her I've been out of the house for at least an hour every other day and that seemed to ease her mind.
"You know what, that's probably a better idea." I say before taking a sip of my hot chocolate. I look at Maya as her eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. I can practically see the wheels turning in her head at the revelation she seems to have stumbled upon.
"Actually, you know what!" She starts.
Staring straight into my eyes she nearly shouts,
"You should adopt a Hybrid!"
My own eyes widen at her comment. Adopt a Hybrid? I'm not sure about the social norms in your society, but in mine, Hybrids are tetering on the line between normal civilian and property. As barbaric as that sounds, it's just the truth of the matter.
While Shifters like Maya are widely accepted because of their ability to hide their animal counterparts almost completely, Hybrids are a different story. Hybrids have their ears, tails, scales, feathers, and whatever else they could have on full display at all hours of the day and society isn't okay with that.
And adopting a Hybrid is just not right in my eyes. No matter what you are, Human, Hybrid, Dragon, Goblin, you are not to be bought or sold.
"A Hybrid Maya? You know how I feel about that…" I sort of trail off my last statement because she does already know my views on this subject.
"I know, I know, but it's really not as big a deal as you make it out to be. Minhyuk was adopted and he has a great life!" Maya says enthusiastically. Minhyuk does have a great life. He was lucky enough to have a great owner named Jooheon who treats Minhyuk like he would a brother. But there's so many Hybrids who arent as lucky.
"I don't know Maya. The idea of "owning" another person is so… pre-Civil War-esque."
Maya sighs. "Y/N, I know that you know how badly some Hybrids are treated by their owners." She begins.
"But I know that you would never treat anybody badly. You're an amazing person once you break down those walls! I really think you should think about it. There's a lot of Hybrids who need help…"
She gives me a sympathetic smile and places her hand over mine. I know that there's thousands of Hybrids who need good homes. And yes, I know I'm perfectly capable of helping at least one of them.
I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of not being a good owner for them. I'm afraid of disappointing them. I just don't know if I'm a good enough person. But all Maya asked me to do was think about, so I guess I can give her that.
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Christmas Eve
Maya and I spent the rest of lunch that day talking about the pros and cons of adopting a Hybrid and by the end of it, I had made up my mind. I wanted to adopt one. But now that we're walking to the shelter on Christmas Eve, I'm even more depressed. It's freezing out, the snow must be 4 inches thick on the ground, there's people everywhere, and all I can think about is my book nook in my kitchen and the pile of books waiting for me.
Oh, and by the way, I had to make an appointment with a Hybrid Match Specialist at the shelter. They're supposed to help me find the right kind of Hybrid for me. Maya has been trying to explain the different species and subspecies of Hybrids to me as we walk to the shelter, but it's too much information. There's so many kinds! And they're all different in every way.
There's Reptile Hybrids who are better suited for people who like to explore and party. There's Dog Hybrids who work well with energetic, health conscious people. And Cat Hybrids who like someone calm and family oriented. And the list goes on and on.
Maya continues to ramble on about the differences and complexities of each Hybrid species as we finally reach the shelter in the middle of the city. The building in one of the tallest, it looks like nearly 40 stories. Why is this shelter so big, anyway?
I look up at the building towering over me and I'm frozen in my spot, not just from the cold, but from the events that will transpire in less than two hours. Maya continues walking into the building and all I can do is stare up at this building. I may end up leaving with a whole other person that I will be solely responsible for. And it's not just that, what if that person's a man? I really don't mean to be rude, I'm just not comfortable around men and I haven't been in a very long time. I'm horrified of walking into this building and it must show because Maya stands in front of me and takes my gloved hands in hers.
She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and says, "Y/N? Can you hear me?" I'm still looking up at the skyscraper. Thoughts zooming through my mind like a Nascar race. She places a hand on my cheek and lightly forces me to look in her eyes. She flashes me a sympathetic smile.
"If you really don't wanna do this, you don't have to. We can turn around right now and I can take you home." She says gently.
I know I can go home, all of this is voluntary, after all. I'm torn, I feel like I'm at war with myself. On one hand, I can walk into this building and come out with an adoring companion who will be with me until the end of my days. On the other hand, am I willing to let this person into my home? My safe space. The place I cherish and the place I know I can never be harmed? What if this person has ill intentions? What if they just wanna get out of the shelter and will do anything to make that happen? There's so many things that could go wrong, so many ways I could get hurt.
"I wanna do this." I say with a heavy sigh. Maya grips my hand tighter and pulls me by neck into a bone crushing hug. She says she's proud of me, says I won't regret this. I don't believe her, but I'd really, really like to.
