#btbday8

When Kanako had given into Miach's will and her demands, she hadn't really thought about the long term. Kanako had never allowed herself to think about the long term. It was only the year after her winter with Miach in the cabin when Kanako truly began to process the fact that she would probably stay with Miach her whole life.

And really? It wasn't so bad anymore. Miach hadn't done anything to hurt her in months. The uneasy dread that came hand-in-hand with the pleasure Miach offered had stopped weighing in Kanako's belly like a stone.

Shortly after that first winter at the cabin, Miach had started higher education. She and Kanako had moved away from the home Miach lived in with her parents to the town where the university was. And for a year, they had been living happily there.

Kanako had stopped trying to humor any thoughts of escaping by then. There wasn't a reason to. Most days, Miach almost treated her like a person. While the other woman was out at her classes, Kanako stayed home and handled cooking and cleaning. When she had free time she even had hobbies she could do. It was a better life than Kanako had ever expected she could have.

She should have known it couldn't last.

The day had been like any other. She had gotten up before Miach did and made breakfast and coffee for her, and she had made sure that her things were neatly packed away in her bookbag and ready to go. Then, she had quietly read a book and had her own coffee until Miach got up.

While Miach was away at classes, Kanako had cleaned the kitchen and done a little work on the balcony garden that they had. There wasn't much work to be done that day. Dinner would be leftovers and she had taken care of the dishes the night before. It was a day that Kanako got to spend relaxed.

She knew the moment Miach got home that something wasn't right. Most days – every day – Miach would get home and give Kanako a chirpy, bright greeting. She would kiss Kanako and say how happy she was to be home. Not that day.

Miach slammed the door open loudly enough the Kanako startled from the couch, and when she slammed it closed it was even louder.

Kanako worried their neighbors might fuss or complain. She worried the slam might damage the home. She didn't say a thing about it, though. She only looked at Miach with wide eyes.

The moment Miach looked at her, her eyes filled with hate. "Why do you have to look just like that stupid bitch?"

Kanako's stomach twisted. Oh. Something had happened. Something with Shu Fang. Kanako didn't try to say anything. She remained rooted to the spot, unable to look away from Miach.

"Stop staring at me like that! Stop staring like you're scared of me!" Miach demanded.

Kanako didn't know what to do. She just wanted to obey Miach as quickly as possible. So, she squeezed her eyes closed. Or maybe she flinched and didn't open her eyes after. Not even she could tell.

"Why are you both scared of me?!" Miach's words were a shriek.

Finally, Kanako would force herself to look for words. "I... I'm not. You just... startled me. I... do you want me to start dinner? Or-"

"Don't try to avoid this!" Miach insisted again. With those words she stormed over to Kanako. "No, I don't want dinner! And you don't want any either! We aren't having dinner until you stop acting like a kicked puppy!"

Kanako knew there wouldn't be any calming Miach down. Not when the woman was already that upset. "Okay. Maybe I should... uh, go to our room?"

That must have been the wrong answer, because Miach's palm slapped across her cheek. Kanako knew there would be no right answer. Not with Miach so upset.

Antony was different from Mack. His pack seemed to change members more frequently, and though I’d never had any intention of learning names he didn’t seem to know some of them either. 

In some ways it was easier. I already knew not to talk unless it had some meaning, or to agree with the leader. Things didn’t hurt as much, emotion replaced by a numb cold. There was even another one of Freya’s subjects. I did learn his name, Damion, but I was never quite sure what to make of him. He seemed to be helping Antony of his own will, which stuck me as too strange for me to trust him.

Because in some ways it was harder. Antony’s pack was crueler, with routine fighting matches that left at least one participant bloody and bruised. It was every man for himself at the slightest sign of danger, Antony remaining in charge only by constant growling, and threats, and endless posturing as leader. Each night I placed myself under his hand, hoping it would be enough. 

And until the night Damion came to steal me away, and bring me to yet another pack, to Hector, it was.

______

Hector doesn’t try to touch me. I’m still not sure why. It feels odd, yet again being in unknown territory. I don’t think I want me life to keep shifting.

I’m not feeling constantly sick anymore. Now I have something more substantial to sustain myself on than unsaid words. 

But I’m cold all the time now. I could sit by the fire for hours, or wrap myself in the thickest clothes I can find but I still feel cold. This is a deeper cold than the biting winds of winter, lingering even as spring comes again. This cold seems to sit in my very bones, detaching me from the warmth of being human. I think the cold has been here a long time. Perhaps all of the After times. Perhaps only since I entered this damn forest.