#bryan camilo

Reborn pt. 2

I was 🤏🏽 this close to sending both reborn clips to Bryan but then I was like, let me fucking not lmfao. Instead I added him to the tag so if he for whatever reason checks out my tumblr & goes through his tag at least he can see it.

Puerto Rico owes me NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGG. This year all I wanted for my birthday was to be beach bound, tanning, reading, & drunk. And that's exactly what I did 😌

This year prepping for my birthday was different. First, Jaz and I are different. We're in a better space then we were when we left PR in August but it doesn't change the fact that I can't give my true vulnerable self to her like I used to. It makes me sad thinking about it. If people were to see us talking, they'd assume nothing has changed between us, but it has. Jazmin was the only family member I felt safe with, I don't feel that now. So much so that I don't feel comfortable going to her place without a buffer & I hate that but it's true. The last time I went Bryan came with, and as aggravating as it was was having to manage his emotions on my time off I appreciated having a buffer. I really hope that changes because like I said it makes me really sad to think my once safe space is no longer one I feel comfortable going to alone.

Second, mama rose has Cancer. Mimferddd spends her weekends in Bangfield (as she should) so that erases my second safe space in NY. & don't get me wrong, both Mims & Salma would have no issues me crashing there but if I'm not spending time with them what's the point??? As is, I'm struggling with the fact that mama Rose has cancer. That's really my mom, like how in the fuck?!?!?!?!?!? Another part of me feels stupid. Mama Rose's eating habbits screamed disordered eating meanwhile it was stomach cancer 🙃. I pray she makes a speedy recovery!

Third, Easter was the day before my birthday so people were busy.

I hoped it was my cup because I really want that back 😭 But if I’m being completely honest I was hoping for a box with all my stuff and a note from him.

I really meant it when I said romantically I’m good. It’s just, it’s Bryan. At the very least we were always friends. And even if we never spoke again, as a pair who always left notes for one another I wished my friend would write me one last note. How embarrassing that I want any memory of my end with Bryan that isn’t the one that I have to accept. It’s difficult for me to accept that my last memory of him will be he left and never said anything.

It’s officially the year of the fire horse, a time for new beginnings. So I leave this here, and I won’t look back.

I originally was hesitant to post about this on here because my ego initially was heavy on, "I'm not going to give this nigga the satisfaction" in the event you checked my tumblr, since you're one of the few that know I even still use this platform. But honestly, and not even pettily I actually don't care. That alone is telling that it's best that we aren't together anymore. Because realistically despite the love being there (& despite how dusty you did me, I do love you as person; I think you're spineless now lol but I do have love for you as a person).

You were my AnDell before I ever had an AnDell in my life. AnDell was the man in my 20s that understood & played his position very well. When I was single we were fucking. Fucking fucking at that. But he always treated me with the utmost respect, knew that we were never going to be in a serious relationship but babied me and gave me princess treatment while he had me. Yo, not for nothing, shout out to AnDell lmfaoo but he's not the focus so let me get back to the point.

You were my first love, puppy love at that. Check the tags on my tumblr w/ your name and you can see for yourself. I always credited you (& my dad obvi, s/o to not having daddy issues) for being the reason my bar is set high when it comes to dating. At the young age of 12 you set the standard for what I expected while dating, and I'll always give credit where credit is due.

In high school we did the off and on game that heavily was influenced by boredom. When I was in a relationship you respected it and let me rock, but if I was single and you were single, we both kind of gravitated towards each other, would start dating, and then like I said … boredom would hit and we'd split. No animosity, just a very clear unspoken understanding of who we were in each others lives. I know this plays a big part in why I'm already over us not being together anymore. That and a laundry list of why it makes sense that we wouldn't work out in the long run that can be summarized into 1 sentence:

We don't fit each others needs.

That's my respectful way of putting it for future Brittney who's bound to reread this one day. We know the real and very full list of why this would've been really bad if we continued dating and followed through with our initial plans. Meeting your kids in March, eventually moving in together, marriage, hell we even talked about us having kids dead ass within 2 years. YIKES lol.

Now, what I will say is I'm not heart broken about us not being together anymore, honestly I'm super grateful for it. What's heart breaking is how things came to an end. You just left. No conversation, no communication at all, you told me you were going to take out the trash, smoke, shower, & come to bed then left and never came back. Even when I followed up the next day to ask for us to have a conversation, nothing. Just my message left on delivered.

Not even when we were young and dumb 12-16 years old did we have break ups this immature.

The disappearing act is very childish. But what hurts most is I kind of view you as a childhood best friend. & yes we have a dating history, I'm not skipping over that. But nigga. We've know each other since we were 12. WE'RE 30. Even if we didn't work out romantically, I thought out of respect for our history you'd respect me enough to have an in person split. Shit, I would have even settled for a text message saying you don't want to talk and that you want to call it quits. But silence and disappearance????

I can't even say I wouldn't expect this of you because you've told me in the past this is how you dropped your last friend group. Since you've mentioned that said friend group was more an extension of your ex … I just figured you'd respect me enough do the split in person and not write me off like some random bitch.

Aside from the disrespect, what really stings is this will be how I remember you moving forward. A bitch. A man that at this grown age couldn't have a conversation to end a relationship. I hate that that's what I'm going to think of in reference to you as opposed to being like "omg, Bryan, he was the best".

I meant it when I said I love you as a person. Because regardless of how dusty you did me, I love you. I meant it when I said you're my best friend. So please don't take it disrespectfully when/if you read that I'm already over us not being together romantically. Know that I feel like I lost my childhood friend and that stings more than anything romantic.

I genuinely hope that you find someone who is more realistic for what you'd want in a woman. It just was never going to be me, and that's okay. I hope you heal, gain security & self esteem that you currently lack, and know that together or apart I'm always rooting for you. Even though you're a bitch, I see you, like actually see you.

Good bye Bryan, God bless💛

NY weekend with Bryan that got cut short because of the damn snow storm. Still, a time was had