#brutal.self

snaking through the veins of this country. like a bacteeiophage or a hookworm or somethin :3

watching the sunflowers spat from trucker's mouths beam and wiggle from the shoulder of the highway. they greet me no matter where i am. cuz its summer and maybe especially because i've lost you. California only ever seems "not really so far away" on my way back. the sun sets behind me. I'll miss the half an hour drive to your place after 8 hours of work to do Absolutely nothing with you. i'll miss your awfully behaved dog and your other silly animals and your advice and your jokes and your awesome boyfriend and how i'd have to whine like a child to get you to enjoy the outdoors with me. But i'm glad I get to miss my beautiful friends like this. I'm glad I have something to mourn!! I'm glad i stumbled and learned to be a little animal with you. I'm glad i get to howl my woes to the moon and tell you all about it next time while you trade me a million stories made up of a million people i don't know yet. I leave you here, wide-eyed and excited but oddly at peace in this strange state far away with a million opportunities. You are my brother in every life time and i hope i have loved you like it. Love you kibby.

I'm glad i have left my adrenaline and anticipation melted in a pile on the beach. I shed my shame a million miles ago. I'm an open book. I think it's funny that everyone is ripping at my spine and stripping the glue off of my form to find my secrets. Just ask and I'll whisper what i know to you when we're alone. The bruises and bloodstains and bitemarks are fading from my body as the ocean comes up to lick and wash away all that i don't want. The families around us glare at me. what was that about my shame? and i thank god there are so many people who have put these marks upon me and shown me i can be well loved. Loved so well it draws scorn from others. i forgot it was an option. Thank you thank you thank you thank you for the sweet distraction. My friends and i play a game where we match the bitemarks to faces as i show them. cute, manicured, Linkedin portraits or insta highlight selfies- the placid, tame, very employable smiles of every lover who may have put them there. No, her teeth are too straight to leave this mark. But this one has that slight bucktooth. It couldn't possibly be them. I stretch my arms up, grinning, palms towards the sun and someone pokes at my arm. but she might have left this bruise here..

God is hiding in the weirdest places. Tucking himself out of sight from behind my restroom light fixtures. He's poorly hidden. The drywall drips in His glory. Prostrating himself in the unwavering drone of fluorescent lights at the hospital. I can see the crucifixion just burned into the bulb. Maybe its me going crazy, chewing off my tail from being subjected to watching his body failing. from hearing his lungs artificially pump air out in small bursts, air whistling between his lips in mechanical, frantic puffs. I chose to be here, of course. I knew what awaited me. I chose to push my car to its limits, zipping down the 375 and coming down from fucking acid of all things to watch someone i have loved dearly die. I'm instructed to pull the blinds a little bit, casting warm sunlight to glow on my uncle's smirking, pale face as we argue with the funeral home about when they oughtta come get him for the love of god please we'll sign the paperwork on monday just please take him out of this lifeless room please he doesn't want to be here anymore. Hes here, too, reflecting off the crosses that are propped up in a mountain mining town, injecting himself into me as the bright Arizona sun beams down. Jarvy and jesus play hide and seek with me. I see jarvy's big feather from his hat sticking out from behind a parked semi. Jesus' robes flutter, tucked tenderly behind Globe Municipal Courthouse. I'm so sickly pale it feels more like the sunlight bounces right off, but my colors are coming back despite myself.

Yeah, it's all coming back to me. I've been holding my breath for months. Pulling out my hair. Twitching in agony. Hiding in this bed for weeks from everything. lying on every questionnaire the doctors' office ladies pass me, their beautiful smiles gleaming.

Do You Feel As if Something Awful Is About to Happen?

my hands shake harder than last time as I make a clean X over the no box. and wince when the heel of my hand smudges it. Fine. Yes. yes. yes.yes.yes.yes i've felt like this my whole life. Am i supposed to tell you when I've stopped feeling it? i answered truthfully once before and was meekly offered xanax. I shove the questionnaire back. "As best as you can", everyone says, and I do just that every waking moment. I can see it but i hope you can too. Shit is tough but i'm tougher. made of rougher stuff. I find little ways to dig myself free of all this guilt and suffering. ways to wash off and load my gun and walk on. I'll keep doing better for myself, humming my little to-dos and washing the salt of holy water off my tongue.

🐣misc photo dump from last week🐣

went thrifting with parker and spent a stupid amount of money, got one of my #grail homura figures just bc i love how she looks. my beautiful calico kitty Koi turned 2 the other day

🪟estate sale goofin 🪟