#broratio

I don’t remember the last time I’ve slept, but horatio came over and brought me some tea. maybe not all humans are pitiful creatures

kat this is us

hell yeah hell yeah

misandry is too real

Blest as the Gods! Sicilian Maid is he, The youth whose soul thy yielding graces charm; Who bound, O! thraldom sweet! by beauty’s arm, In idle dalliance fondly sports with thee! Blest as the Gods! that iv’ry throne to see, Throbbing with transports, tender, timid, warm! While round thy fragrant lips zephyrs swarm! As op’ning buds attract the wand’ring Bee! Yet, short is youthful passion’s fervid hour; Soon, shall another clasp the beauteous boy; Soon, shall a rival prove, in that gay bow’r, The pleasing torture of excessive joy! The Bee flies sicken’d from the sweetest flow’r; The lightning’s shaft, but dazzles to destroy!

Okay so like I'm really confused over what 'that iv'ry throne' is - syntactically it seems that it's the Sicilian maid but why is she a throne???? An ivory throne, like a toilet bowl? I'm pretty sure even if Sappho was trash-talking her 'rival' she wouldn't have known what a toilet bowl is. And also it's not really trash-talk, more like some weird as fuck wet dream where she's like 'wow my boyfriend is so lucky that he gets to fuck you, Sicilian maid, you are the hottest piece of ass in the world'.

For most of last year, I operated on the kind of philosophy that if you couldn't put up with me then you should just piss off forever and leave me alone. Similar mindset to that oft-misattributed quote that goes something like 'if you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best' or whatever.

It's a pretty awful way to lead your life because it means you push everyone away. No one has the fucking responsibility to deal with you at your worst, and maybe instead of being a burden to the people you care about, you should just be less shitty. 

I'm glad I'm coming to realise this, and I hope this change in attitude has affected my relationships in a positive way. I'm trying not to 'test' my relationships by being hard to handle. I'm trying not to challenge whether or not my friends 'deserve' me. Instead, I want to be deserving of the people around me. I want us to choose to be around one another, rather than it having to be some kind of obstacle or chore. 

My best friend reminded me a while ago that I shouldn't feel obliged to be anyone's friend or saviour. That it wasn't my job to be there when they called at three in the morning crying if I didn't want to be there for them. That I wasn't doing anyone any favours if I was pretending to be someone's friend out of obligation. That I shouldn't have to feel needed because I don't owe anyone anything. And he was right - it hurts them more if they start to rely on my artificial sentiments. 

I'm trying to learn this, and it's hard to learn - it's hard to suddenly realise you don't actually care about most of the people in your life very much. He made me realise that I maintain a lot of relationships out of obligation or politeness. I waste so much time on people I wouldn't miss if I had never met them. Those people have rarely contributed to my emotional or intellectual development. Rather than being a positive factor in my life, they're negatives - they drain me of my time and energy. I have psych disabilities. I have a chronic disease. I do not have the time or energy to spare for things that don't make me happy.