#brokenpiano

               The last conversation before leaving the hospital still rings in Kyungsoo’s mind. Jongin was insisting him to get the surgery, yes it will heal his hand and he will be able to play the piano again but what good would it be if Jongin will still be the same, if Jongin can’t dance to the sound of his piano again.

                 Jongin was peacefully sleeping by his side but the recent events had been keeping Kyungsoo wide awake. He got up from the bed and heads to the room next door where his piano is located. His fingers brushed the tips of the piano keys and the urge to press down and play the piano is strong. Kyungsoo learned how to play the piano from his dad when he was just a kid and ever since then he loved doing it. Tears escape and questions of whether it was right to refuse the surgery lingers, but at the same time there were the thoughts about Jongin, of how he loves to see Jongin dancing. Refusing the surgery won’t heal Jongin’s legs but at the very least they were both suffering the aftermath of the accident, he’d rather be broken than let Jongin be broken alone.

                 Days passed since they got home but Kyungsoo noticed how Jongin changed. He was always silent, he would smile and talk to Kyungsoo but there was something missing that Kyungsoo couldn’t point out; it was like Jongin was being cold to him in a very discreet manner. Jongin will always be on his phone, talking to someone. Curiosity got the best of Kyungsoo, once Jongin wasn’t looking; he snatched his phone and checked who Jongin was constantly talking to.

                 It was Sehun, Kyungsoo know how close Jongin and Sehun are so it became too suspicious for him on why Jongin was hiding it. Sehun never became a reason for jealousy for Kyungsoo, simply because the taller have Luhan and even after finding out about Jongin hiding his conversations to Sehun, jealousy doesn’t struck Kyungsoo’s mind. It was another thing that bothers Kyungsoo, he was afraid that Jongin was still thinking about leaving him and was seeking help from Sehun.

 “Jongin…” Kyungsoo mutters one night while tucking Jongin to sleep.

 “Hmmm?” Jongin smiled at him, a smile that still seemed cold to Kyungsoo.

 “You still love me right?” Kyungsoo played with Jongin’s fingers, avoiding his eyes… afraid to see the truth in his fiancé’s eyes.

 “Shouldn’t I be the one asking that? I was the reason why you can’t play the piano anymore. I’m also the reason why you were refusing treatment and now I’m just an incapable worthless shit…” The smile faded and Kyungsoo thinks that for the first time after the accident, he was able to see the real Jongin.

 “No, I’m not blaming you for what happened, Jongin. I was not even thinking that way. At least we made it out of the crash alive. I would rather have this broken hand than lose you Jongin…please don’t leave me…” Kyungsoo buried his face on Jongin’s chest, hugging his fiancé tightly.

                 Jongin didn’t answer after that, he just kept quiet and that’s what scares Kyungsoo the most. It just increases the feeling that Jongin might leave him any moment. Kyungsoo fell asleep that night with his broken hands clinging on Jongin’s arms in the best way he can.

                 Kyungsoo woke up the next morning to the biggest nightmare of his life. Jongin was not by his side, Kyungsoo quickly got up and searched the whole apartment for Jongin, but his fiancé was nowhere to be found. Kyungsoo didn’t waste any time, he immediately ran to Sehun and Luhan’s apartment.

 “Where is Jongin?” Kyungsoo demanded… forcing himself in after Luhan opened the door.

 “He’s not here Soo…” It was clear to Kyungsoo that Luhan had expected his presence in his apartment that morning.

“Where is Sehun?! Where did he take Jongin?!” Kyungsoo searched the whole apartment for Jongin.

 “Kyungsoo…” Luhan uttered, letting Kyungsoo do as he please.

 “No, Luhan… please don’t do this to me. Where is Jongin? …just tell me where my Jongin is!... please Luhan please…” Kyungsoo kneeled in front of Luhan, his cheeks wet from the tears.

 “Kyungsoo…” Luhan immediately help Kyungsoo get up. “I’m sorry but they didn’t tell me where. I’m sorry Soo…”

 “No, Luhan! You should know, you’re Sehun’s boyfriend, he might have told you. Luhan please don’t take Jongin away from me, tell me where he is, please Luhan…tell me…”

 “Kyungsoo, maybe it’s better if you Jongin some time alone…” Luhan went to his room to get a letter that Jongin left behind for Kyungsoo… “He asked me to give this to you if ever you come looking for him…” Luhan hands the letter to a distraught Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo didn’t hesitated opening the letter in front of Luhan.

 Soo,

 Please don’t look for me, I am not worth it. I am no longer worth to be you fiancé. I’m sorry for leaving you but I guess it is the best for the both of us, for you at the most. Please get the surgery, you can still live your life normally, you don’t have to be stuck to a crippled man  like me, you don’t have to spend your whole life taking care of someone like me.

 Please Kyungsoo, get your hands treated and live happily. I love you so much Soo and there’s nothing in this world that I would want but to see you happy and well. I am fine, don’t worry about me.

                 Jongin

 “Is that it?... is this just about my damn hands?... If I get that damn surgery will he come back to me?” Kyungsoo asks Luhan. “I’ll undergo treatment; just tell him to go back to me Luhan…please…”

“I’ll try my best to convince him Kyungsoo, but for now, it will be better to let him be…” Luhan hugged Kyungsoo tightly hoping it would lessen the pain he was feeling.

                 Kyungsoo spent the next days moping in his apartment; he never stopped trying to call Jongin. He would sometimes go to the places that are special to him and Jongin, hoping he would see the latter there but Jongin doesn’t want to be found. After a week, Kyungsoo decided to get ready for the surgery, if there’s a chance to have Jongin back, he would do it in a heartbeat.

                 Three days after the surgery, Kyungsoo visits Sehun and Luhan’s apartment. He showed Sehun and Luhan his hospital records to prove that he had undergone surgery.

 “I’ve undergone treatment; now please tell me where he is…please Sehun, where did you take Jongin?” Kyungsoo begged Jongin’s best friend.

 “Kyungsoo I’ll tell him that you got the surgery, I promise… Jongin wants to be alone right now, please don’t make it hard for you, just let him be…” Sehun answers, trying to calm Kyungsoo down.

 “How much more time does he want, Sehun? I haven’t seen him in almost three weeks, I feel like dying every time I woke up without him by my side…just tell me where he is. I need him, I need Jongin.”

 “This is hard for him too, Soo…”

 “But it doesn’t have to be!... all he needs to do is come back to me. Sehun, please tell me where he is…”                              

               Kyungsoo continued to beg Sehun to tell him where Jongin but Sehun won’t tell him. Kyungsoo waited and waited everyday for Jongin to come home to him but weeks continue to pass by with no sight of Jongin.

                 Baekhyun and Chanyeol tried to convince Kyungsoo to go back to work but Kyungsoo refuses to touch the piano anymore not when Jongin is out of his life now. Kyungsoo settled for a job at a nearby restaurant and at night he would often drink his depression away with alcohol. On his rest days, he would go the club and that’s where he met Suho.

                 Suho showed interest in Kyungsoo the first time he saw him. Suho was good at reading in people and one look at Kyungsoo and he knows that the boy was utterly depressed. Suho bravely offered him ‘ecstasy’ and he was not surprised when the other nonchalantly popped it into his mouth.

 Kyungsoo didn’t care that a stranger offered him drugs, he didn’t care when the stranger kissed and groped him in the crowded club. He didn’t care when Suho took him home and took advantage of him. Kyungsoo simply didn’t care at all, for him it was the fix that he needed, a momentary fix…just as long as the drugs stayed in his system or as long as someone is by his side taking all the feeling of being alone temporarily.

 Weekends with Suho, became a permanent part of his week. Baekhyun would scold him at times especially when he started to smoke but Kyungsoo just couldn’t care about his life anymore. Jongin was his life and he left him, taking an important part of Kyungsoo with him, how could he simply return to his old life back when Jongin was not by his side.

                 Kyungsoo was back at the building where Jongin and he used to teach, Baekhyun was having a ‘farewell’ party at their workplace and Kyungsoo just couldn’t say no to a friend who had always been there for him.

                 It had been almost a year, Kyungsoo was supposed to be married now and probably had adopted a kid but that life was nowhere near his life right now. Kyungsoo was stuck in the past, life didn’t move on for him since he woke up alone in his bed and all that was left was the smell of Jongin that lingered on his pillows. Being with Suho is not moving on for Kyungsoo, it was still a temporary fix for him; they were both using each other for the pleasure.

                 Kyungsoo excused himself from the party and wandered around the building. His feet took him to his old classroom, he made his way to the grand piano in the middle of the room, it also had been a year since he played the piano. He pressed a few keys and unconsciously he started to play a song.

~~~Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection like an apple hanging from a tree I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go? I guess second best is all I will know~~~

               Kyungsoo continued to play the piano, not knowing that a guy in a wheelchair was silently watching him from outside the room. Jongin was happy to see Kyungsoo playing the piano again, but another thing lingers on his mind…

                 ‘You don’t deserve a crippled man like me…I am no good for you Kyungsoo…’

                 So the guy in the wheelchair ‘walks’ away, Jongin missed the tears in Kyungsoo’s eyes as he sings…

~~~He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh! (Taste your mouth) He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you (Thinking of you, thinking of you) Thinking of you, what you would do If you were the one who was spending the night (Spending the night, spending the night) Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You're the best, and yes, I do regret How I could let myself let you go Now, now the lesson's learned I touched it, I was burned Oh, I think you should know!~~~

               Kyungsoo let his tears fall, he let everything go with the song, thinking of Jongin in every line he sings, and he let his broken heart crumble a little more.

~~~Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through and bust in the door and take me away? Oh, no more mistakes 'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay...~~~

               For the first time in almost a year, Kyungsoo let himself cry everything out. He embraced all the pain once again throwing all the façade that he used. For once, he let the true Kyungsoo out, the one that was more broken, the one that only Jongin can repair. He spent the next hour crying, he was a mess when Baekhyun found him and all that Baekhyun can do was hug him.

 “What do I need to do Baek? What else do I still need to do for him to come back to me? How long do I have to suffer this way Baek? Doesn’t he love me anymore?” Kyungsoo blurted out in Baekhyun’s embrace as they sat on the wooden floor.

 “I don’t know Kyungsoo…I really don’t know…” Baekhyun hugged him tighter, he honestly don’t know the answers to Kyungsoo’s question, all that he wants is for Kyungsoo to overcome the pain.

 “Why don’t you just come with me and Chanyeol to London, there’s still an opening for a piano teacher at the school I’ll be teaching to…I really don’t want to leave you here Soo, especially not in this condition…please Kyungsoo come with us to London…” Baekhyun wiped the tears on Kyungsoo’s eyes.

 “I can’t Baekhyun…you know I can’t do that…”

 “You’ve done your part…you waited for almost a year for him to come back but he didn’t. Maybe it’s time that you leave everything behind…maybe it’s time for you to take your life back and leave him behind. Kyungsoo, if he wanted to come back, he could have come back to you, a long time ago.” Baekhyun tried to reason out.

                 Kyungsoo just stared at him, thinking about everything he said. Could he really let go of Jongin?

                 Kyungsoo made a brave decision, he decided to take Baekhyun’s offer and go with him to London. It was not an easy decision, for almost a year he waited for Jongin maybe Baekhyun was right, maybe it was time for him to move on.

                 Baekhyun was of course ecstatic about it, he helped Kyungsoo with his papers, days before they leave, he helped Kyungsoo with packing his things up. Kyungsoo felt like crying as he stare at his now almost empty apartment, he don’t know when he will be back…a year?...or maybe five years?... he honestly don’t know.

 “It’s time to go Soo…we don’t want to be late…” Chanyeol yelled from across the hallway, it was the day of their departure and the couple picked him up on the way to the airport. Kyungsoo took one last look at his apartment, he silently say goodbye to the apartment that witnessed how Jongin and him loved each other. He locked the doors and walked to where Baekhyun and Chanyeol were waiting.

                 Their flight was paged and so the three of them heads to the boarding gates. In the midst of the sea of people Kyungsoo’s eyes caught the one that he had been longing to see, Jongin. Jongin was on his wheelchair with Sehun and Luhan, they were on the other side of the glass wall, but Jongin’s eyes were fixed on Kyungsoo.

 “Jongin…” Kyungsoo whispered, abruptly stopping causing Baekhyun to stop as well. Baekhyun followed Kyungsoo’s line of vision and saw Jongin too.

 “Jongin…” Kyungsoo uttered once more, taking a step towards the man on the wheelchair but Baekhyun was fast enough to take a hold of him.

 “Let me go, Baek…I need to talk to him…” Kyungsoo tried to get away from Baekhyun but Chanyeol was holding him too.

 “And then what Soo?...he’s still not coming back to you. He knows you’re leaving. I told Sehun and Luhan that you’re coming with me to London a week ago, I gave Jongin a chance to stop you from leaving but he’s not here to do that. Jongin is here to see you go Kyungsoo…”Baekhyun said firmly.

                 Kyungsoo stared stupidly at Baekhyun and then he looked back at Jongin, true enough, Jongin was waving at him, waving goodbye to him. Kyungsoo can see the tears from Jongin’s eyes but he was also smiling, a bittersweet smile, Jongin was really ready to let him go. Kyungsoo’s vision starts to blur as his tears fall, he stared at the man who held his heart for almost six years.

 “Let’s go, Kyungsoo. It’s time to go, a new life is waiting for you in London…” Baekhyun smiled, stretching his hand out for Kyungsoo.

                 Kyungsoo’s eyes went from Baekhyun’s hand to Jongin and back. He wiped his tears and sighed, taking Baekhyun’s hands. He took one last look at Jongin before taking a step towards the boarding gate.

                  Kyungsoo took a step towards his new life, a life without Kim Jongin.

  …saem.riel’s note…

this is the end..